Misfits Mid-Life Crisis……..

Week 241, Saturday 26th January until Friday 1st February 2019.

This weeks ramble is being edited (yes it really is edited!) and published from the Isle of Wight, so it may look a little different due to using a different device. I am visiting for a couple of days (trying to escape the “B” word **. Only joking! That’s impossible at the moment) all will be revealed in next weeks in blog week 242 (I bet you can’t wait).
That’s the over long unplanned intro, here’s the ramble……..

I am an electronic genus!!! My friends small electronic handheld device (not that type, you mucky pups!) decided to have a fit, it wouldn’t unlock. Trying to be helpful I suggested looking up the official website. Within a couple of minutes she was having a “live text chat” with an advisor (*** who I like to think was sitting in there bedroom playing video games and probably just wearing there pants). Whose only suggestion was to take the device to a store so it can be looked at by someone very clever person who probably has no friends. Which would more than likely result in her losing everything, especially all the pictures of our adopted hamster!

Once the useless chat was over, I opened my cavernous gob and uttered the phrase “have you pressed all the buttons at the same!”. Quite where that statement came from I have no idea. My friend who was clearly frustrated did just this and suddenly as if by magic (all small electronic devices are powered by rainbows and unicorns or so I have told my niece) the screen came to life in vivid bright colours. Why didn’t the advisor suggest something so simple? I am not a conspiracy nut, but by telling someone that need to visit a support centre which will more than likely result in them spending more money, when there was such a quick fix just seems wrong.

By the way my friend was very pleased that her small devise was vibrating happily to itself again (i still don’t mean that kind of device, yes I’m looking at you Davian).

And Now For Something Completely Different……

I am not competitive; it doesn’t matter if I come first or last. When I completed in a number of triathlons (yes you read that correct, I really have done 9 of them). I wasn’t racing others I just wanted to finish with my aging knees still attached. There is however one situation where I get a tad competitive. Stepping on to a tube every morning I scan the carriage for who is likely to get off allowing my lardy arse a rest from the pull of gravity which is dragging it towards the ground faster that Usain Bolt on a good day. At each stop there’s a primeval part of my brain willing the person sitting in front to stand up and let my derriere rest on the still warm fabric of the seat (the warmth from someone’s patootie **** is something I really dislike).

One journey this week, as normal I positioned myself in such a way that when/if the person in front stood up they could walk away easily as I lower my wide load onto the seat. This particular morning a small woman managed to squeeze herself through a gap in the crowd to stand next to me. Normally as a train pulls into a station the seated person gathers up bags and belonging which is an indication that I need to be ready. This morning the train slowed and nothing. Only when the doors had fully opened did the man suddenly stand up. As he stepped aside the women next to me in one fluid movement sat on my seat. Everything happened so quickly, I was furious and wished I could produce death ray’s from my eyes. My whole being ached feeling robbed of what should have been mine.

I really am not a competitive person. But when it comes to getting a seat on the train, let the games begin! From now on I need to up my game, be sharper on my feet and ready for any last minute attacks such as the one describe above. If you’re on the District line in the morning, be afraid, be very afraid!

And Finally……

Last Sunday afternoon it raining and the temp was 10c, in the distance a couple of times I could hear an ice cream van touting for business. Times are tough i realise, but are there really enough people rushing outside to buying a 99 from the roadside in late January.

P.S……

** If you didn’t guess the “B” word is of course “Brexit”, my head wants to explode and my heart sinks every time I hear it.

*** My apologies for the stereotypical comment (I’m a geek, and suppose I’m jealous of techy homeworking geeks).

**** This would make a great name for a Star Wars planet.
My Mid-Life Crisis Conts……
This week I have mainly been watching:

To follow…
This week I have mainly been listening to:

To follow….

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in East, West & North East London and Surrey (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 240 Saturday 19^th until Friday 25^th January 2019.

Happy 7th Bday to Anoodle, this week.

Everyone thinks that bankers, businesswomen/men, the government or in some people’s minds (whispering) the Illuminati are the people in power. Wrong! The people with power can be seen walking every street (certainly in the UK) or driving around in a red van. One of them has even been entertaining children on TV since 1981. The most powerful people (in my very unscientific opinion) are post women/men. I realise that in this digital age a person sitting in their parents’ house wearing just their pants can bring an organisation to its knees or make a government look foolish. But there activities generally don’t affect every day individual lives. However people walking around in shorts (most UK post-delivery people seem to wear shorts all year round) do appear to have the power to make normal people’s lives awkward.

“Family celebrations”.
If you have read this shiz before you know I work in a call centre talking carp to people who would rather be picking their own (or other peoples in some cases) belly button than speak to me. The organisation I work for sends out hundreds of letters every day, some are just notifications, others reminders and finally there are red frightening ones. Once the sacks of mail have left the building its anyone’s guess when the letters will arrive at its final destination. Multiple times every day people say to me “I didn’t get any letters!” or “We have never had anything from you before, except this nasty letter!”.

“8 candles for a 7 yr old”.
Ok back to my point about post men/women. I want to stop one of these red uniformed people and ask them about the secret heavily guarded (it must be) bunker where all the letters from my department end up (there must be bunkers all over the country for other large companies and utilities, full of undelivered letters). How does the postal employee decide which letter to post and which to conceal only to end up in a bunker unread. What special training did they have to go through to make this important decision? Talking about training, in late 2017 I applied for a number of postal delivery jobs (I look good in shorts and the walking would be good exercise. Think about it, how many large postal delivery people have you seen over the years!). The test seemed so complicated for what appears (of course in reality I know there’s a lot more to it) to be a relatively easy job. It’s probably easier to apply for a position with MI5/6 than to deliver letters. When I filled in the first online application, I thought I was being clever writing all the answers and the sequence of multiple choice options. I then discovered that the questions and the pattern of answers changed with every application. Damn you HR!

“Even i was feeling chilly during this morning”.
Seriously, i sit in the call centre day after day thinking how strange (of course i am not suggesting that all customers are lying) that selective letters sent out don’t arrive at their final location. Letters do of course get lost, some come back returned but the majority do arrive correctly. The reality is that people either don’t open them or want to open them (my dept is a scary). There’s no conspiracy involving the Post Office and its army of men and women in shorts stomping up and down the streets in all weather, dodging adults (who should know better) on scooters racing for the tube. Or risking fingers with letter boxes a lot more vicious than dogs of the 70s and 80s. They do a tough job and can’t please everyone all of the time. I still maintain that postal delivery people are the power makers slipping good and bad news into your slot daily.

“Bright moon on the way to work”.
However I have always had my suspicion about Pat, a postman who delivers letters and parcels around the idyllic village of Greendale with his cat Jess. I bet he deliberately hides Granny Drydens bills, no wonder she’s has to give away her belongings.

“This waterway was partly frozen when i passed”.
And Finally……

“I had a swinging time in North East London”.
Blonde moment of the week. Arriving home in the car, MOZ suddenly said looking at the empty driveway. Where’s the car?

“This is a lovely room to hang upside down in”.
Magic moment of the week. Early on Sunday Arriving for Ariel yoga we saw a couple of people standing waiting for very large heavy gates to be unlocked. From the way they were talking they had been waiting a few minutes. Without thinking I pushed open a smaller gate that was set inside the larger one and stepped through as if I was David Copperfield walking through the Great Wall of China to the amazement of the people waiting.

“You can just make out the large gate that was / wasn’t closed”
Retro TV moment of the week. Met a Jonathan Higgins. I really wanted to ask if he had dogs named Zeus and Apollo.

“Aries picture of the week. What a beauty”.
Celebrity moment of the week. Spoke to a tennis player who was British number 1 in the 90s. I think he is a TV pundit these days.

“Writing this shiz, while watching funny geeks”.
My Mid Life Crisis Conts……
This week I have mainly been watching:
“Catastrophe”, (S4, ep 3). “Charmed (2019)”, (S1, ep 3). “Click”, (TX: 19/01/19). “Dark Son: Hunt For A Serial Killer”, (TX: 12/01/19). “Frasier”, (S11 ep 20 to ep 24). “Laurel And Hardy: Way Out West”, (1937). “Laurel And Hardy: One Good Turn”, (1931). “Les Miserable”, (S1, ep 4). “Mary Poppins”, (1964). “Star Trek: Discovery”, (S2, ep 2). “Swimming With Men”, (2018). “The Big Bang Theory”, (S1, ep 7 to ep 17)(S2, ep 1 to ep 23)(S3, ep 1 to ep 5). “The Graham Norton Show”, (S24, ep 14, TX: 18/01/19)(ep 15, 25/01/19). “The Inbetweeners: Fwends Reunited”, (TX: 01/01/19). “The Last leg”, (S16, ep 1, TX: 25/01/19). “The Orville”, (S2, ep 4). “The Walking Dead”, (S3, ep 1 to ep 16).
This week I have mainly been listening to:
“Best Bad Movie Ever”, (22/01/19). “Iain Lee (Highlights)”, (18/01, 21/01/19). “In Poor Taste”, (ep 102, 23/01/19). “LBC Podcast: Mystery Hour”, (25/01/18). “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (19/01, 25/01/19). “Skeptoid”, (ep 659, 22/01/19). “Soundtracking With Edith Bowman”, (ep 124, 21/01/19). “The All New Angelos & Barry Podcast”, (21/01/19). “The Nick Abbot Habit”, (25/01/19). “Morrissey”, “Tindersticks”, “Portishead”, “The Cure”, “Toto”, “John Lennon”, “Mary Poppins (OST, 1964)”, “The Barenaked Ladies”, “P.J Harvey”.

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in East and West London & Surrey (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 239 Saturday 12^th until Friday 18^th January 2019.

12th Jan would have been my Dad’s 90th D’day.
If you ask me what gives me the greatest pleasure I would reply, the cinema. As soon as I was old enough to visit the local fleapit on my own there was no stopping me. It was from these early visits that I discovered that the best seat in the house was middle of the front row. I love everything about the whole experience, the ads (I fondly remember Aunty Beryl from the Bacardi adverts) trailers and of course the main feature. Plus I am also one of those strange people who sit all the way through the end credits, and have been doing that long before it became fashionable just in case there might be a hidden scene.

“Thanks Mum for everything”.
Even though going to the cinema is a pleasure, it is also a cause of stress. My internal cinematic stress-o-meter has different levels of stress and frustration.

“Posh crisps, nana and a cheap roll. The perfect work snack”.
Yellow Alert: inconsiderate rustling of wrappers. People masticating loudly on snacks! A herd of Jersey cows would make less noise than fellow patrons.
Amber Alert: late comer’s (I realise it might not be there fault) disrupting my view walking back and forth in front of the screen. Then spending time faffing around folding coats, arranging bags. Kicking the back of my seat is really annoying; the continual thudding is a distraction I don’t need while the world is being destroyed before my eyes.

“Such a sweet little lady”.
Red Alert: This include people who deicide to ignore the film and just talk to each other. These people must have so much money that they can afford to pay the high admission price and then completely ignore the feature. Then there are the addicts, people who cannot spent a couple of hours without looking at their small electronic device to see if they are liked and loved by people they haven’t met and probably won’t ever meet!

“Deffo a film to go and see”.
My entertainment stress level builds to a Flashing Red Alert with internal Klaxon when the above categories clash. Recently my film buddy and I have been visiting a local indie cinema, it’s a little cheaper than the big names and rough around the edges but for the price I can’t complain (i try not to touch any surface, never put my bag on the floor and wait till i get home to go to use loo). Last weekend we saw “Stan and Ollie”. Just as the BBCF black card (which states the films certificate) appeared, a women and child stumbled upon the front row. Normally the front row and rows around are empty which is why I like sitting there. During the opening credits of the film, the women fussed around the kid who was old enough to fuss himself. Throughout the movie this lady would get up, asks if the child wanted food, was he warm enough and generally be a pain. I could also hear her explaining who Stan and Ollie were during key moments. At the end while music closely associated with these comedy heroes played over the credits (which of course I enjoyed) the women sat clapping as if she was at a panto. As you would expect I did try a number of times to shoot death rays out of my eyes. Unfortunately this is a super skill that needs a lot more practice to perfect.

“7.30am on Friday“.
Even though I get a little hot and bothered and stressed, I really enjoy everything about going to the cinema i just wish I could visit more often. The dream is one day to see something on the big screen that I had written and possibly directed. If that was to happen then I would hire the cinema to myself and of course I ensure not to trigger the Yellow Alert by eating snacks in a considerate way so I don’t annoy myself and so ruin my masterpiece. I’ll dream on, and just be tolerant of others and if things get worse then run for a usher or manger. Then of course I would need the film to be rewound slightly to see the section I missed. Who’s annoying now!

And Finally……

“Someone had a big night out!”.
Mistakenly said. Person on the phone called the executors of an estate, the executioners.
And now, innuendo. Overheard a women in the supermarket talking about Bottom Muffins, this of course made me smile and snigger as if I was at school. A few mins later I realised that I had egg on my face when i saw what she was looking at, a packet of Bottom Muffins.
After that filth, a sad tale. Early morning at Earls Court tube, I sat down next to a mother and child, who got up and boarded there train which left straight away. As the tube sped out of the platform a man sat down and picked up a small cuddly toy, that child must have dropped.

“Writing this shiz, while thinking of Zombies”.
My Mid Life Crisis Conts……
This week I have mainly been watching:
“Better Things”, (S1, 3 to ep 10). “Catastrophe”, (S4, ep 2). “Charmed (2019)”, (S1, ep 2). “Click”, (TX: 12/01/19). “Frasier”, (S10 ep 11 to ep 24)(S11 ep 1 to ep 19). “Les Miserable”, (S1, ep 3). “Peppa Pig”, (S2, ep 19 & ep 20). “Stan And Ollie”, (2019). “Stan Against Evil”, (S1, ep 1 to ep 8). “Star Trek: Discovery”, (S2, ep 1). “Tracey Beaker Returns”, (S3, ep 6). “The Big Bang Theory”, (S1, ep 1 to ep 6). “The Graham Norton Show”, (S24, ep 13, TX: 11/01/19). “The Last Kingdom”, (S3, ep 1 & ep 2). “The Orville”, (S2, ep 3 & ep 4). “The Sky At Night”, (TX: 13/01/19). “The Walking Dead”, (S1, ep 1 to ep 6)(S2, ep 1 to ep 13). “Woolly Mammoth Secrets From The Ice”, (TX: 04/04/12).
This week I have mainly been listening to:
“Best Bad Movie Ever”, (27/03/18). “Iain Lee (Bonus)”, (14/01, 16/01, 17/01/19). “Iain Lee (Highlights)”, (11/01, 14/01, 16/01, 17/01/19). “LBC Podcast: Mystery Hour”, (17/01/18). “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (12/01, 18/01/19). “Rule Of Three”, (24/05/18)(14/06/18)(18/10/18)(22/11/18). “Skeptoid”, (ep 657, 08/01/19)(ep 658, 15/01/19). “Soundtracking With Edith Bowman”, (ep 123, 14/01/19). “The Nick Abbot Habit”, (18/01/19). “The Rabbit Hole”, (ep 78, 17/01/19). “Morrissey”, “Biffy Clyro”, “The Stone Roses”, “The Pretenders”, “Bowie”, “Chris Cornell”, “The Devine Comedy”.

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in East and West London, Surrey (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 238 Saturday 5^th until Friday 11^th January 2019.

The season of good will or for the festival of excessive drunkenness and over eating has definitely ended.  In the capital during the few weeks of old stringy tinsel and sparklingly lights (which could be a health hazard if looked at for too long) people seemed to be in a better mood.  There are a number of reasons in my opinion for this, none of which have been scientifically researched (of course).

 “A thing the shape of a Mushroom.  Or a Mushroom shaped like a thingy”.

“People could have been happier because of”.

1/ The amount of food and drink consumed!

2/ Extra sleep!  Due to being on holiday, people didn’t have to wake up day after day before sparrow fart!

3/ Not travelling on public transport, or sat in traffic jams!  Both really do not help with commuter’s general mood.

 “Something is eating this birdfeeder”.

I did warn you that none of the above had been thought through.

That period is the only time of the year you will really see strangers smiling at each other on the tube. Everyone’s general attitude towards each other did seem to improve.

 “Fancy a glass of Badass”.

However at the end of the first full week of this New Year, I sadly report that everything has returned to how it was before the recent mass wrapping of odd shaped gifts. Travel on the tube and you will see faces staring at tablets, books or just asleep. No one will look at anyone unless they really have to.  Look down any supermarket queue you will see people muttering and tutting under there breathe because someone is taking a few seconds longer than they should.  On the road you will see selfishness everywhere.  Innocent cars being forced against their will to undertake or cut in at the last moment, only to end up stuck directly in front at the lights. Take your headphones or earbuds out/off while walking and you will hear drivers all around venting their frustration publicly.  Last weekend I was stuck in traffic for possibly a minute (not much more).  One person decided they couldn’t possibly wait a moment longer and sounded the horn, this spread like a virus as others joined in. Within seconds a chorus of annoyance could be heard all around.  I understand that everyone is in a hurry (I am, always) and need to be somewhere “Now“.  But! Come one people; let’s just be nice to each other.  Wouldn’t it be great if in 2019 humans were considerate to others, is that such a radically strange idea (if this makes me sound like a hippy, then I’ll gladly put flowers in my hair, wear a cheesecloth dress while dancing barefoot in a field).

 “Larry, Curly and Moe”.

I’m not the biggest Crimbum fan, but if flashing lights and decorations badly taped to walls in homes, shops and offices helps calm the general attitude of the population then I’m all for it. We don’t have to do the whole prezzie thing or watch “The Wizard of Oz” or “The Sound of Music” all the time”.  If the thought of an obese stranger in a red suit breaking into people’s homes in the middle of the night helps them to feel more relaxed then I’m game.  While I think about this, I wonder if the nation’s bosses would allow everyone a little extra time off every week, surely they want happy employees, who enjoy their work.  Not getting political here, considering what is currently happening in the UK, I would have thought that some companies might like to spread what work they have over a longer period allowing worker more leave and relaxation time (Now you understand why I don’t manage people or run a business with mad ideas like that) which could result in happier, less rushed or stressed people.

 “Seen at Clapham Jct station”.

In conclusion, its official the season of goodwill is well and truly over.  However I am going to try over the next 51 weeks to smile more.  This could make another person smile, which in turn might lead to others smiling (doesn’t smiling even if you feel like shiz, releases good feeling chemicals).

And Now For Something Completely Different……

 “The dancing Wookie”.

A final mention, about public transport this week.  Look around trains and stations; you will see two types of adverts dominating all others.  One teases far off paradises that could visited in summer.  While others make passengers feel extremely guilty about (possible) extra weight gained recently.  I’ll let you guess which ones I try to ignore while sucking in my ever expanding equatorial region.

 “The Turner prize goes to….”.

And Finally……

Sitting in a corporate coffee shop, I couldn’t put the lid of my flask on due to an excessive amount of cream (now you can know which ad mentioned above, I was looking at).  Of course I licked the cream until the lid would comfortably screw on.  That’s when I became aware of being watched.  A small child was looking and smiling at this strange cat licking so-called adult.

 “Getting my tongue right in there”.

Oh,

I have also submitted another article to DWAS Celestial Toyroom magazine, fingers crossed.

 “Trying to write this shiz, while Eric and Ern distracting me”.

My Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:  

“Better Things”, (S1, Pilot/ep 1, ep 2).  “Catastrophe”, (S4, ep 1).  “Charmed (2019)”, (S1, ep 1).  “Click, Best of 2018”, (TX: 05/01/19).  “Doctor Who”, (S1, Serial 2, ep 3 to ep 5).  “Frasier”, (S8 ep 11 to ep 22)(S9, ep 1 to ep 22)(S10, ep 1 to ep 10).  “Horizon, 2016: Wildest Weather In The Universe”, (2016, ep 6, TX: 23/10/16).  “How Not To Die”, (S1, ep 1, TX: 03/01/19).  “Island Of Dreams”, (Pilot, TX: 03/01/19).  “Kate Bush At The BBC”, (TX: 22/08/14).  “Les Miserable”, (S1, ep 2).  “Midnight Texas”, (S1, ep 5 to ep 10)(S2, ep 1 to ep 9).  “Semi-Detached”, (Pilot, TX: 04/01/19).  “Storyville Waco: Madman Or Messiah”, (pt 1, TX: 02/01/19)(pt 2, TX: 03/01/19).  “The Graham Norton Show: Good Story Guide”, (TX: 04/01/19).  “The Morecombe And Wise Show: The Lost Tapes”, (ep 1, TX: 16/10/68)(ep 2, TX: 30/09/68).  “Tracey Beaker Returns”, (S1, ep 6).  “You”, (S1, ep 7).                

This week I have mainly been listening to:  

“Brian Gittens And Friends”, (ep 49.75, 05/01/19).  “Iain Lee (Bonus)”, (09/01/19).  “Iain Lee (Highlights)”, (04/01, 07/01, 08/01, 09/01, 10/01/19).  “In Poor Taste”, (ep 101, 08/01/19).  “LBC Podcast: Mystery Hour”, (10/01/18).  “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (05/01, 11/01/19).  “Rule Of Three”, (10/05/18).  “Soundtracking With Edith Bowman”, (ep 122, 07/01/19)(EE Rising Stars Special, 04/01/19).  “Strange Times”, (ep 286, 05/01/19).  “The All New Angelos And Barry Show”, (11/01/19).  “Morrissey”, “Bowie”, “The Zutons”, “Franz Ferdinand”, “The Killers”.

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in East and West London (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 237 Saturday 29^th December 2018, until Friday 4^th January 2019.

Happy bday on January 1st to my lovely brother-in-law Tim.

By the time you read this 2018 will be just a dirty memory, we can all forget what “may or may not” have happened during the last 365 days. There are definitely a number of things I don’t want to remember!

“World domination”.

This week’s blog is a short ramble, no ones in any condition to read my normal moaning so I thought I would go over the stats for the last year. In the last 12 months there were 1772 views from 980 visitors living in 39 countries across 5 continents. That’s an increase of 228 views and 98 visitors on the total 2017 figure. I realise that these numbers are extremely small compared to other blogs, which get thousands of views every week. But for this insignificant weekly ramble written by an idiot, they made me smile. I am so grateful to everyone who has read or looked at this, and if you pressed share then then I love you even more** (** love mentioned is purely platonic). Originally I thought about looking back at the last 52 weeks and pick out a few highlights, however I soon came to realise that I couldn’t think of any s it’s been a non-eventful year. Unless you know better, then please contact!

  “A full breakdown of the countriesand number of views”.

Ifyouexpectmetolookthroughthisshiztofindtheoddgemyouhaveanotherthingcomingyoulazylardycow@dietcoke.UcaKe

There is a way that “you” can stop this rot continuing, if I am paid enough** (** that figure is still to be arranged). I will throw the keyboard out of the window of the highest tower block in the capital and none of us ever need to mention this pathetic display of so-called creative writing ever again. And that’s a promise!

“Travelling on the train, id rather be on the river (look closely)”.

And Now For Something Completely Different……

One of the last things I did in 2018 was to nearly injure a new acquaintance. He stupidly asked “ME” to help construct a piece of flat pack exercise equipment. My plan is to use the machine now and then in order to attempt to lose some additional MMXVIII baggage that I appear to have accidentally picked up over the last 12 months.

“Spot the wildlife living at the station. Its always lovely seeing members of this family”.

After an hour of pushing, shoving and screwing we stood back both proud of the results. That soon ended when he climbed on the trainer and it started to tip backwards. Luckily for him the wall stopped him from falling to the floor and the machine on to him. Unluckily for me it ruined my chance of £250 “You’ve Been Framed” money, because I was filming at the time of the incident.

  “Can you guess which is wrong and right”.

I’ll have to find a better way of making some extra cash (no, I didn’t incorrectly positioned the exercise machines feet the wrong way round on purpose) over the next year.

“Thanks Anoodle”.

Oh, Happy New Year….

 “Jodie staring at me while i write this shiz”.

My Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:

“A Year In The Life Of A Year 2018”, (TX; 27/12/18). “Big Fat Quiz of The Year 2018”, (TX: 26/12/18). “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”, (1968). “Click, LIVE”, (TX: 29/12/18). “Click & Collect”, (TX: 24/12/18). “Doctor Who: Resolution”, (TX: 01/01/19). “Frankie Boyles 2018 New World Order”, (TX: 27/12/18). “Frasier”, (S6 ep 13 to ep 23)(S7, ep 1 to ep 23)(S8, ep 1 to ep 10). “Ghoutbusters II”, (1989). “Goodness Gracious Me: Crimbum Special”, (TX: 23/12/98). “Groundhog Day”, (1993). “Les Miserable”, (S1, ep 1). “Madness Rocks Big Ben Live”, (pt 1, TX: 31/12/18)(pt 2, TX: 01/01/19). “Midnight Texas”, (S1, ep 1 to ep 6). “Mrs Browns Boy’s 2018 Crimbum Special”, (ep 2, TX: 01/01/9). “No Activity The Night Before Crimbum”, (TX: 27/12/18). “Oliver”, (1968). “Only An Excuse 2018”, (TX: 31/12/18). “Peter Kay’s Car Share”, (S2, ep 1 to ep 4, Unscripted ep & The Final). “Regression”, (2015). “Royal Institution Crimbum Lecture 2018”, (ep 3, TX:28/12/18). “The Best Of Dick Emery”, (BBC DVD, 2005). “The Crystal Maze; Crimbum Celebrity 2018 Special”, (26/12/18). “The Graham Norton Show”, (S24, ep 12, TX: 21/12/18)(New Years Eve, TX: 31/12/18). “The Great New Year’s Bake Off: Festive Special 2018”, (ep 2, TX: 01/01/9). “The Orville”, (S2, ep 1). “The Last Leg of The Year”, (S15, ep 11, TX: 31/12/18). “Van Helsing”, (S3, ep 13). “Twinstitute”, (S1, ep 1, TX: 02/01/19).

This week I have mainly been listening to:

“Anti Social Show”, (ep 66, 30/12/18). “Clinton Baptiste’s Paranormal Podcast”, (ep 6, 01/01/19). “Iain Lee (Bonus)”, (03/01/19). “Iain Lee (Highlights)”, (21/12, 31/12/18)(01/01, 02/01, 03/01/19). “LBC Podcast: Mystery Hour”, (03/01/18). “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (29/12,30/12, 31/12/18)(01/01, 02/01, 03/01, 04/01/19). “Rule Of Three”, (11/10/18). “Skeptiod”, (ep 656, 01/01/19). “Soundtracking With Edith Bowman”, (ep 121, 31/12/18). “The Rabbit Hole”, (ep 71, 03/01/19). “Morrissey”, “Sophie B Hawkins”, “Alanis Morissette”, “Foo Fighters”, “The Beatles”, “Kate Bush”, “S.I.A”, “Madness”.

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in East London and Northamptonshire (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 236 Saturday 22^nd until Friday 28^th December  2018.

The Crimbum special. You’ll be so pleased that this ramble is a lot shorter than normal, it’s more a collection of thoughts.

 “Hope you had a good time”.

This week I have been most thankful for not travelling on public transport and sitting in an office, talking carp on the phone to people who really don’t want to be speaking to me. If I am completely honest I don’t want to be speaking to them either. It’s a mutual relationship.

Lesson learned over the last 7 days, never mix hair dye in a bedroom.

 “Opps”.

Occasionally outside of the tube station near me, I see a man and his dog. Foolishly on Crimbum eve I popped to the shops which of course i regretted when confronted by thousands of others regretting that they had ventured out. While out I decided to try and do some good, by buying some sandwiches and dog treats. Once back at the tube station, the one man and his dog has gone. I popped back up a couple of times just in case he was back. Deep down I am glad that he wasn’t sitting in his normal position, hopefully he and the dog were somewhere warm and happy. I will get a few more sandwiches and hand over the dog treats in the new year. The amount of people currently homeless is increasing from what I have read. Not getting political I think 2019 is only going to get worse.

 “No wonder fares increase, all the lights on at a closed locked up Tube station on Crimbum day”. 

This Crimbum I received the gift that keeps giving, a cold. Damn you Santa you basket! The last few days I have spent a huge amount of tme in bed, feeling even more sorry for myself than I normally do. When family members should have been admiring my freshly dyed hair, especially after the mess I made at home (sorry MOZ).

 “The carnage started at Grandmas”.

And that’s it, after weeks, even months of preparing for one day of madness it’s all over. However the thought of so-called normality which starts all over again next Monday is something I really am trying not to think about. This might be the right time to hide under mums duvet and hope that no one notices me. Is there anyone reading this shiz who might like to put me out of my misery if so please contact.

 “MOZ enjoy a few days off work”.

ireallyneedtogetoffmylardyarseandmake2019countasihavewastedthelast50year.coke.ucake

Next week will continue to be a shorter ramble as I look back at 18 and forward to 19.

 “Writing this shiz, sort of“.

My Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:  

“Blackadder Goes Forth”, (S1, ep 1 & ep 2).  “Cbeebies Bedtime Story”, (Ep 671, TX: 17/12/18).  “Chris & Michaela: Under A Crimbum Sky”, (TX: 23/12/18).  “Click(mass)”, (TX: 22/12/18).  “Elf”, (2003).  “Father Ted”, (S2, ep 5 to ep 7).  “Flatliners”, (2017).  “Frasier”, (S5, ep 10 to ep 24)(S6, 2 to ep 12).  “Front Row Late”, (S3, ep 9, TX: 21/12/18).  “Goodness Gracious Me: 20 Years Innit!”, (TX: 22/12/18).  “Have I Got 2018 News For You”, (TX: 24/12/18).  “Inside The Factory: Crimbum, 2018”, (17/12/18).  “King Gary”, (pilot ep, TX: 23/12/18).  “Lost Hearts, (TX: 25/12/1973).  “Michael Palin In North Korea: Special Edition”, (TX: 27/12/18).  “MR James: The Ash Tree”, (TX: 23/12/1975).  “Mrs Browns Boy’s 2018 Crimbum Special”, (ep 1, TX: 25/12/18).  “Not Going Out, Live”, (TX: 21/12/18).  “Peter Kay’s Car Share”, (S1, ep 1 to ep 6)(A Crimbum Car Chase, 2017).  “Royal Institution Crimbum Lectures 2018”, (ep 1, TX: 26/12/18)(ep 2, 27/12/18).  “Star Wars: Episode VI: The Return Of The Jedi”, (1983).  “The Apprentice: Honest Subtitles”, (S4, ep 12, 16/12/18).  “The Dead Room, A Ghost Story For Crimbum,”, (TX: 24/12/18).  “The Crimbum Last Leg”, (S15, ep 10, TX: 21/12/18).  “The Crimbum Misadventures Of Romesh Ranganathan”, (TX: 20/12/18).  “The Graham Norton Show”, (S24, ep 12, TX: 21/12/18).  “The Great British Bake Off: Festive Special 2018”, (ep 1, TX: 25/12/18).  “The Jonathan Ross Crimbum Special”, (S13, ep 15, TX: 22/12/18).  “The Secret Story Of The BBC Crimbum Tapes”, (TX: 23/12/18).  “Travelman 96hrs in Jordan”, (TX: 27/12/18).  “Upstart Crow: A Crow Crimbum Carol”, (TX: 25/12/18).  “Van Helsing”, (S3, ep 12).               

This week I have mainly been listening to:  

“Brian Gittens And Friends”, (ep 49.5,24/12/18).  “Brian & Roger (Crimbum Special)”, (24/12/18).  “Chasing Earhart”, (ep 69, 23/12/18).  “Clinton Baptiste’s Paranormal Podcast”, (ep 5, 24/12/18).  “Griefcast”, (ep 65, 26/12/18).  “Iain Lee (Bonus)”, (21/12/18).  “Jo Whiley Meets Jodie Whitaker”, (BBC Radio 2, TX: 25/12/18).  “In Poor Taste”, (ep 100, 22/12/18).  “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (22/12, 23/12, 24/12, 25/12, 26/12, 27/12, 28/12/18).  “Rule Of Three, Crimbum Special”, (ep 1, 23/12/18)(ep 2. 25/12/18).  “Skeptiod”, (ep 655, 24/12/18).  “Soundtracking With Edith Bowman”, (ep 120, 24/12/18).  “The Adam Buxton Podcast, Crimbum Speical”, (ep 88, TX: 25/12/18). “The Rabbit Hole”, (ep 70, 22/12/18).  “Strange Times”, (ep 285, 23/12/18)(Shamus O’Coont Guide To Surviving Crimbum, 26/12/18).   “Morrissey”, “The Darkness”, “Ash”, “Starship”, “Slade”, “The Waitresses”, “The pretender”, “East 17”, “Cyndi Lauper”, “Nancy Sinatra”.

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in East, West & London and Surrey (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 235 Saturday 15^th until Friday 21^st December  2018.

Everything appears to be winding down in preparation for the mammoth festival of unwrapping “things” made in China that have travelled the planet in containers or on the back of a sleigh next week.  More importantly It’s also the start of the overeating period, next week I will be eating my body weight every day.  Like others I will try to squeeze my expanding equatorial region behind the steering wheel in order to travel the nation’s motorways.  That might be a great opportunity to test my new driverless car system, where my stomach muscles control the steering wheel allowing both hands free to change what I am watching on Netflix (other streaming services are available) and stuff my face.

 “Someone finally has a desk”.

Food shops are full to bursting, with people rushing around as if World War III **has been announced (**it hasn’t at the time of writing).  When i was young (in black and white days) most shops closed over the festive period, cash points were not located on every wall and of course there was no net.  That’s the reason my parents and others would stock up on pickled onions and extra coleslaw.  But the stockpiling which takes place these days is not necessary, especially if you consider how much will just thrown away.

 “This wont interest many of you, but it pleased me”.

In between unwrapping “stuff” from the Far East and forcing another slice of quiche into my cavernous gob.  I will of course remember people who are sorely missed.  This is a time for family!  For kids with huge smiles!  Personally it’s not for single, fat; old, bitter over the hill saggy sacks of meat (like me).  A highlight will be seeing my niece and nephews faces light up as they play with the toy’s that Santa transported from a factory thousands of miles away made off materials which won’t biodegrade.  What future archaeologist will make of our landfill sites when they dig to discover what our “So-Called” modern society was like, I hate to think.

 “The Lovely Otis, made sure everyone was fed and watered at Weligama Supper Club”.

The next week can be tough!  It’s not all fun sitting in front of the telly watching the same repeats year after year.  Try to enjoy it; don’t get stressed if the sprouts aren’t quite right. Or something made by someone in a factory far away with terrible health and safety standards falls apart 30 mins after coming out of the box.  Just enjoy being off work, not travelling on public transport.  Have fun with family and friends and take time out to remember others not so fortunate.

 “Amazing Sri-Lankan in a basement in Vauxhall”. 

Next weeks: Due to being off all of the week, the blog will probably just consist of pictures of me on the floor flashing my knickers with food smeared over my face and clothes.  It could be the best blog ever!

 “SAZ and i really enjoyed the “Supper Club”, looking forward to more in 2019″.

And Now For Something Completely Different……

 “Early morning, helping to make the day ahead feel better”.

This is not just the season to give prezzies made of non-recyclable materials.  It’s the time when complete strangers unselfishly spread germs.  On public transport, in shops and the offices people are coughing and spluttering leaving microscopic blobs of mucus floating around ready to be inhaled by the person next to them.  Yes, I am one of those people who have received the “gift that keeps giving”!  Please note however I try my best not to expose others to my bugs, by contributing to the ever growing bank accounts of loo roll or pocket tissue manufactures.

 “No i didn’t have them both”.

Because I don’t want to give my lurgy to any random unsuspecting person, I would like to offer “YOU” the opportunity to receive this as a seasonal gift.  Please apply to….

spreadingthefestivejoyofaseasonalcoldwithlove.coke.UcaKe

And Finally……

Sitting in the living room my best Friend said, “don’t worry about hoovering, I’ll do it later!”

Slight pause

Looking around embarrassed, I replied, “I’ve just done it!”

My friends said, “I though you hadn’t, because you didn’t want to wake the Hamster”

New Year’s resolution, do an intensive course in hoovering and housework.  My friend who is a professor of cleaning has offered me a great mate’s rate package.  But I have to supply my own marigolds!

 “Something floating in the water bottle at work.  That’s budget cuts for you”‘.

This was told to me.

A women said to a male colleague, “I nearly sat on your face!”

She was referring to the fact that when she got into the company van, she nearly sat on the man’s ID pass with his face plastered all over it.

They laughed. It also tickled me!

 “Want a glass of Badass?”

This is the last one, honest.

At the start of a call this week, I asked a man if he was on hands free because I could hardly hear him.

He replied, “No, I am having a wee at the moment”.  What could I say! He then said, “Could you wait for me to wash my hands?”

Two things sprung to mind during this introduction. One, I am glad he wasn’t “hands free” while having a wee, unless of course he is a modern metrosexual who sits down to pee (which there is nothing wrong with).  And Two, at least he washed his hands!

 “Next week looks like it will be messy”.

Oh by the way Happy Crimbum from me.

 “Writing this Shiz, hoping that there will be more Vic & Bob in 2019”.

My Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:  

“Black Mirror”, (S3, ep 3 & ep 6)(S4, ep 1 to ep 6).  “Click”, (TX: 15/12/18).  “Frasier”, (S5, ep 1 to ep 9).  “Garth Merengi’s Darkplace”, (S1, ep 1).  “Nightflyers”, (S1, ep 5 to ep 10).  “People Just Do Nothing”, (S5, ep 6).  “Storyville: The Farthest Voyager’s Interstellar Journey”, (TX: 30/11/17).  “Strictly Come Dancing (The Final)”, (S16, ep 24, TX: 15/12/18).  “The Apprentice”, (S14, ep 14, TX: 16/12/18).  “The Apprentice: You’re Fired/Hired”, (S13, ep 12, TX: 16/12/18).  “The Chilling Adventures Of Sabrina (Crimbum Special)”, (S1, ep 11).  “The Graham Norton Show”, (S24, ep 11, TX: 14/12/18).  “The Last Leg (Crimbum Special)”, (S15, ep 10, TX: 21/12/18).  “The Orville”, (S1, ep 1 to ep 12).  “The Sky At Night (Crimbum Special)”, (30/12/15).  “Van Helsing”, (S3, ep 11).  “Vic & Bobs Big Night Out”, (S1, ep 4).               

This week I have mainly been listening to:  

“Best Bad Movie Ever”, (11/09/18)(17/12/18).  “Brian Gittens And Friends”, (ep 49, 18/12/18).  “Clinton Baptiste’s Paranormal Podcast”, (ep 4, 18/12/18).  “Griefcast”, (ep 64, 19/12/18).  “Iain Lee (Highlights)”, (14/12,17/12,18/12,19/11, 20/12/18).  “LBC Podcast: Mystery Hour”, (20/12/18).  “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (15/12,21/12/18).  “NASA: Houston We Have A Podcast”, (ep 76, 21/12/18).  “NASA: In Silicon Valley”, (14/12/18).  “NASA: Rocket Ranch”, (ep 7, 21/12/18).  “Rule Of Three”,  (05/07/18)(19/0718)(20/12/18).  “Skeptiod”, (Special ep, 14/12/18)(ep 654, 18/12/18).  “Soundtracking With Edith Bowman”, (Special ep, 12/12)(ep 119, 17/12/18).  “The All New Angelos And Barry Podcast”, (ep 21/12/18).  “Morrissey”, “Suede”, “Fleetwood Mac”, “Elbow”, “Goldfrapp”, “Athlete”, “The Artic Monkeys”, “Jeff Buckley”, “The Cranberries”, “Natalie Imbruglia”, “Hairspray (Original Theatre Cast Album)”, “Belinda Carlisle”, T’Pau”, “The Pouges And Kirtsy McColl”.

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in East and West London, Hertfordshire and Surrey (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 234 Saturday 8^th until Friday 14^th December 2018.

Special B’day mention this week to my lovely Sister-in-law Sigrida.

I may be old, but I still have a very over active imagination, its because of this my niece who is nearly 7 calls me an “adult-baby”. For instance if I am going to take the car for a spin, as I open the gates of the driveway and drive on to the road outside the house, in my mind I am piloting a Soyuz as it undocking from the ISS. I can envisage the docking clamps unlatching as the two crafts drift apart in the soundless vacuum of space. This car thing is not new! After watching “Star Trek The Motion Picture” in 1979, every time dad brought the family old banger out of the garage, I saw the USS Enterprise leaving space dock.

“This man got his huge package out in the Post Office”.

At junior school my duffel coat would be a spacesuit from “Space 1999” (1975-77). The hood was the helmet; knitted gloves made by mum were in my mind bulky environmental suit gauntlets that needed to be secured to the “O ring” at the end of the sleeve to achieve an air tight seal. This theme continues while scuba diving, I imagine myself weightless on an EVA (Extra vehicular Activity) that feeling is the nearest I will get to being in space.

“Its east London, not Yorkshire”.

There are a lot of things about getting older which are not fun, many of them I could change if I got off my large lardy arse more often (I feel a New Year resolution coming on!). One muscle that doesn’t need any continued exercise is the jaw. My Masseter Musculus should be the most toned muscle in this lardy excuse for a body due to the amount of food that passes my lips.

“This week’s Blog is brought to you by a random letter “K”!

My imagination doesn’t need any exercise; as I get older it appears to get more vivid. In early January I plan to send a sample script to a number of agents hoping that one of them might reply saying “oh, that was an interesting read, please tell me more”. Of course I am realistic, the chances that one of them will look at what I send is so small there’s probably more chance of becoming worshiped by the population of a small south pacific island! Or bitten by a radioactive Hedgehog than an agent liking something I have created.

“Guessed who pissed on me again”.

See! I stated that at the top of this ramble that I have an overactive imagination.

And Now For Something Completely Different……

“Jbomb, watching an awful 2014 film. See the list below to find out what its called”.

Look at any picture of me from the last few years and you will notice immediately that I really don’t give a flying fig about my appearance. There was a time when I went to work fully made up, looking like a cross between a victim of a paint factory explosion and a clown who has been waterboarded. Eventually I realised how stupid I appeared, and that the wasted time used to splatter chemicals over my fat face could be spent in bed. I don’t sleep well, so those extras valuable minutes spent dreaming or just being vertical are so important to what’s left of my mental health.

“One of these people is suppose to be responsible”.

It’s the same with hair! Generally my style is “what style?” I don’t see the point of fussing and teasing each individual strand, this is because by the time the front door has been locked I will look as if I have been dragged through a hedge backwards. In my mind I am rocking an image of my own called “Scarecrow chic”, think of Robert Smith from “The Cure” just not as sexy. On the train every day I see people who look like they “just stepped out of a salon”. How much earlier do they have to get up in order to look that good?

“Someones ready for Crimbum”.

Last week my hair was cut for the second time this year, that’s good considering most years scissors never go near the barnet. Jules the hairdresser within 20 mins made me look “normal”. However in the morning I returned to my natural state of looking like I had slept with a saucepan on my head. When I ask if she would pop over to where I live every morning and make me look respectable; strangely she turned that offer down that charitable offer.

“Someone, started early”.

In a world where so many strive to look like each other, I’ll continue to remain an individual. Style and fashion have never bothered me. I have never been normal, why change now at this great age.

“I thought it was a pretty picture”.

And Finally……

This week I uttered the line “could you remove that from between my legs?” I was talking about a packet of crisps that I put there before a drive. It soon became apparent that I couldn’t do both. Thank you MOZ for obliging, I hope you disinfected your hands.

“Blog joke of the week”.

In the supermarket I kept bumping into the same smiley man isle after isle. While talking it turned out we had something in common. Our conversation ended in a geek fest gushing over how good Jodie Whittaker has been in “Doctor Who”. Be afraid, Geeks are amongst you, everywhere even in the cheese isle.

“Writing this shiz, while watching Vic & Bob, WB wants to watch as well”.

This week I have mainly been watching:

“Black Mirror”, (S3, ep 1 & ep 2). “CBeebies Bedtime Stories”, (ep 666, TX: 02x/12/18)(ep 612, 31/12/17). “Celebrity Lego Masters Crimbum Special”, (S2, ep 6, TX: 11/12/18). “Click”, (TX: 09/12/17)(TX: 08/12/18). “Colin Murphy’s Panic Room (BBC NI)”, (S1, ep 3, TX: 10/12/18). “Doctor Who”, (S37/S11, ep 10). “Four Weddings And A Funeral”, (1995). “Frasier”, (S4, ep 17 to ep 23). “Have I Got News For You”, (S56, ep 10, TX: 14/12/18). “Ireland With Simon Reeves”, (S1, ep 2, TX: 29/11/15). “Jonathan Pie’s, American Pie”, (TX: 12/12/18). “Michael Mcintyre’s Big Show”, (S4, ep 4, TX: 08/12/18). “Ministry Of Justice”, (S1, ep 3, TX: 14/12/18). “Nativity 3, Dude, Where’s My Donkey?”, (2014). “Nightflyers”, (S1, ep 1 to ep 4). “Origin”, (S1, ep 5 to ep 10). “People Just Do Nothing”, (S5, ep 5). “People Just Do Nothing Vs Top Gear”, (TX: 10/12/18). “Stargate SG1”, (S1, ep 1). “Strictly Come Dancing”, (S16, ep 12, TX: 08/12/18). “The Apprentice”, (S14, ep 11, TX: 11/12/18)(ep 12, TX: 12/12/18)(ep 13, TX:13/12/18). “The Apprentice: Honest Subtitles”, (ep 10, 05/12/18)(ep 11, 12/12/18). “The Apprentice: You’re Fired”, (S13, ep 11, TX:12/12/18). “The Last Leg”, (S15, ep 9, TX: 14/12/18). “The Sky At Night”, (09/12/18). “Van Helsing”, (S3, ep 8 to ep 10). “Vic & Bobs Big Night Out”, (S1, ep 3).

This week I have mainly been listening to:

“Best Bad Movie Ever”, (ep 41, 11/12/18). “Chasing Earhart”, (ep 68, 09/12/18). “Clinton Baptiste’s Paranormal Podcast”, (ep 3, 11/12/18). “Griefcast”, (ep 63, 12/12/18). “Iain Lee (Highlights)”, (07/12, 08/12,11/12,13/11/18). “LBC Podcast: Mystery Hour”, (13/12/18). “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (08/12, 14/12/18). “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot Habit”, (S2, ep 6, 13/12/18). “NASA: Gravity Assist”, (ep 23, 11/12/18). “NASA: Houston We Have A Podcast”, (ep 75,14/12/18). “NASA: Silicon Valley Live”, (14/12/18). “Rule Of Three”, (ep 15, 27/09/18)(ep 19, 25/10/18)(ep 25, 06/12/18)(ep 26, 13/12/18). “Skeptiod”, (ep 653, 11/12/18). “Soundtracking With Edith Bowman”, (ep 118, 10/12/18). “The Adam Buxton Podcast”, (ep 87, 10/12/18). “The All New Angelos And Barry Podcast”, (ep 4, 14/12/18). “Morrissey”, “Fuzzbox”, “Transvison Vamp”, “David Grey”, “The Waitresses”, “Band Aid (Original)”, “No Doubt”, “Lush”, “Manic Street Preachers”, “Radiohead”, “Velvet Underground”, “Weezer”.

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in East, West & Central London, Essex and Surrey (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 233 Saturday 1^st until Friday 7^th December 2018.

HAPPY B’DAY this week to, MOZ, Hel & SAZ on December 2^nd. And a special mention to Nico, 7 on 5^th December.

Recently shop windows have displayed huge posters enticing people inside because of the madness of “Black Friday”, which lasts a lot longer than one day I noticed. Last weekend I succumb to the bribing of a few quid off the RRP. Don’t worry I didn’t queue up at 6am, pushing others out of the way, no this was a far more civilised affair.

“I didn’t drop the phone, down this one”.

My phone has never worked properly after it took a dive into the bog 6 weeks after I bought it just over a year ago. While in town last weekend I stumbled across a worldwide electrical company (not the fruit named one) which sells products that to my simple mind must be powered by pixie dust. Fifteen mins later, I stepped onto the pavement holding a small box which made my credit card feel a lot heavier. That evening I really felt for the staff of a large UK high streets electrical shop across the road who were turning people away, because there systems being down. It must have been painful for them to see potential “Black Friday” customers crossing the road to the worldwide name. For me, this just goes to show how our reliance on computers may have gone too far. Except of course when systems at work go down, “oh dear” I have to sit at my desk writing this shiz or doodling. Honestly I love tech, but at heart I think I am a Luddite.

“Two tiny slugs and mushrooms seen this week”.

Next I need to contact my phone provider. Because i work in a call centre I really don’t want to speak to another “call centre monkey”. Finding a branch to visit is proving difficult. Looking at my old device I found that there was a branch in Oxford St, when I reached the location the shop had camouflaged itself as a foreign language school. During the week I tried to visit a kiosk stall, which I discovered was closed during the afternoon I visited. If I do have to ring a call centre, I will really empathise with the poorly paid sole on the other end and try to make that call the easiest of their day.

And Now For Something Completely Different……

“All aboard”.

Last weekend I took MOZ on the Necro bus, a ghost tour around central London in a black-double decker Routemaster. It’s claimed that the bus is the last of its fleet, due to a fire in depot in 1967. This it turns out is a fictional history, but could be based on the very real “London Necropolis Railway” which ran between 1854 until 1941.

“Which of these two more scary”.

The trip is not scary, it funny and informative. The conductor who would stand on the open platform at the back appeared on screens around the bus, and tells stories of ghost in various locations as we passed them. Not long after the tour started, while sat in traffic a man stepped on to the bus. I was expecting the conductor to say something, he didn’t! It soon became apparent that the additional passenger is part of the act. For the rest of the tour both men raced between the two deck telling us chillingly ghoulish tales, while at the same time weaving a narratives that the passengers were included in which had a conclusion at the end of the tour.

“Mum would love one of these, is it bolted down?”.

I imagine that both hosts are actors, who after spending years studying “Shake-in-spear” or the “Stanislavski method” have ended up telling spooky tales in an old black Bus. I Imagine that this would probably be a really fun job, I’ve done a little acting and wonder if I should apply. Anything is better than sitting in a call centre.

“The tour starts and stops here”.

MOZ really enjoyed herself; it was definitely an interesting way to spend 75mins. By the way, we bag the best seats, front of the top deck. As a child these were the seats I was desperate to occupy, and of course I would pretend to drive the bus. During the ghost tour I left the driving to the ghoul in the driver’s seat.

“If the Ghost bus didnt scare you, this might”.

And Finally……

“Nearly a Strike”.

RAC and I took MOZ bowling (a continuation of her bday celebrations). The embarrassing memory I won’t forget is when I did a “Johnson” (a reference to Bojo the ex London major who floored a child accidentally years ago) as I stumbled while snuffling backwards after bowling and missing every skittle. The reason for this was because a small child from the next lane wondered into ours. I am thinking of having flashing lights and a reversing siren fitted for future occasions.

“If you don’t want to know the final score, look away!”.

Honorary mention must go to the women who had a couple of bowling balls spilling over the top of her dress. Once her boobs were pointed out, I couldn’t help not see them.

“The Shuffle, Fabulous50 (Calamity) and Lunge”.

And finally, honest!

“She pissed on me last week”.

Is it good luck when a Hamster whizzes on you. Aries the Hamster enjoys running from hand to hand, what I call hamster juggling. A couple of nights ago I felt a wet patch on my fingers. Am I about to win the lottery?

(Writing this shiz, while Vic & Bob are dancing)

My Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:

“Altered Carbon”,(S1, ep 5 to 10). “Black Mirror”, (S1, ep 1 to ep 3)(S2, ep 1 to ep 4). “CBeebies Bedtime Stories”, (ep 667, TX: 07/12/18). “Click”, (TX: 01/12/18). “Colin Murphy’s Panic Room (BBC NI)”, (S1, ep 2). “Digging For Britain”, (S7, ep 1, TX: 28/11/18). “Doctor Who”, (S37/S11, ep 9). “Frasier”, (S3, ep 10 to ep 24)(S4, ep 13 & 14). “Have I Got News For You”, (S56, ep 9, TX: 07/12/18). “Hey Duggie”, (S1, ep 18). “Horizon (2008/09): 10, Can We Make A Star On Earth?”, (TX: 17/02/09). “Jamie And Jimmy’s Friday Night Feast”, (S6, ep 1, TX: 07/12/18). “Lego Masters”, (S2, ep 5, TX: 04/11/18). “Ministry Of Justice”, (S1, ep 1, TX: 30/11/18)(ep 2, TX: 07/12/18). “Origin”, (S1, ep 1 to ep 4). “People Just Do Nothing”, (S5, ep 4). “Rouge One: A Star Wars Story”, (2016). “Searching For Starlite (BBC News)”, (TX: 10/11/18). “The Apprentice”, (S14, ep 10, TX: 05/12/18). “The Apprentice: You’re Fired”, (S13, ep 10, TX: 05/12/18). “The Graham Norton Show”, (S24, ep 10, TX: 07/12/18). “The Last Leg”, (S15, ep 7, TX: 30/11/18)(ep 8, 07/12/18). “The Mash Report”, (S2, ep 6, TX: 07/12/18). “Tomorrow’s World: The Science Behind Spiderman”, (TX: 19/06/02). “Vic & Bobs Big Night Out”, (S1, ep 2).

This week I have mainly been listening to:

“Anti Social Show”, (ep 64, 30/11/18). “Best Bad Movie Ever”, (ep 19, 19/06/18)(ep 39, 06/11/18)(ep 40, 13/11/18). “Brian Gittens And Friends”, (ep 48, 06/12/18). “Chasing Earhart”, (ep 67 02/12/18). “Clinton Baptiste’s Paranormal Podcast”, (ep 2, 04/12/18). “Griefcast”, (ep 62, 05/12/18). “Iain Lee (Bonus)”, (30/11/18). “Iain Lee (Highlights)”, (30/11, 02/12, 03/12, 05/11, 06/11/18). “LBC Podcast: Mystery Hour”, (06/12/18). “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (01/12, 07/12/18). “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot Habit”, (S2, ep 5, 05/12/18). “NASA: Houston We Have A Podcast”, (ep 74, 07/12/18). “Skeptiod”, (ep 652, 04/12/18). “Soundtracking With Edith Bowman”, (ep 117, 04/12/18). “The Adam Buxton Podcast”, (ep 86, 03/12/18). “The All New Angelos And Barry Podcast”, (ep 1, 21/11/18)(ep 2, 30/11/18)(ep 3, 07/12/18). “The Rabbit Hole”, (ep 69, 06/12/18). “Morrissey”, “Kate Bush”, “ACDC”, “Ash”, “Bran Van 3000”, “The Wannadies”, “Kula Shaker”, “Heaven 17”, “The Human League”, “Alanis Morissette”.

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in Northamptonshire, East & West London and Surrey (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 232 Saturday 24^th until Friday 30^th November 2018.

At junior school I really admired Andrew Oakley (The last time I saw him would have been in 1980). Maybe admire is the wrong word, I was jealous because he was such a good artist. One of those naturally talented children who could draw anything. Thinking back I wonder if he got this ability because of his habit of sucking on the business end of the pencil. Remember this was the 70s, kids! There was no internet or millions of TV channels to veg in front of, so sucking the end of the pencil had to suffice.

“Work doodle, before and after”.

Art was the only subject at school I enjoyed or any good at. I continue to draw today, during work I sit and doodle which helps keep what little brain I have from seeping out of ears while in the call centre. Looking back I don’t remember that there was ever the mention of Art College, I left school and went straight to work. Maybe today I would have been offered or at least had the opportunity to go. But because I was regarded as one of the thick kids none of these avenues were considered. Instead I was just shown the exit and told to get on with life.

“I could hardy see my hand in front of me it was that thick. Ok i lied”.

Painting is something I have never mastered; in fact I kept away from brushes for a long time. This all changed a couple of years ago when I approached them slowly, like a solider walking up to a bomb there about to defuse. The mess (painting, not an exploded bomb) I leave on paper is always disappointing, the end result looks so much better inside my skull.

“Who’s watching who!”.

Last year I thought about approaching an art agent because I have lots of drawing and paintings as well as a couple of completed kid’s book. Most publishers won’t look at anything sent to them unless an agent is involved. A friend mentioned that he knew a man who ran an agency. Of course I sent some of my finest shiz with fingers and toes crossed. A couple of weeks later I got a lovely rejection saying that what I presented was good, but not right for them. This of course is totally understandable. My friend contacted me last week to say that he had arranged a lunch meeting with his friend the boss of the agency and I was asked to bring some of my work.

“Trying to look down the tunnel”.

By the time you read this, the meeting will have happened. Secretly I hope that I will leave with a smile and an agent wanting to help me. In reality I know this won’t happen, hopefully I will get good advice and maybe names and numbers of others I can approach.

“Crimbum rehearsal”.

Andrew really was a good artist, I used to sit and watch and wish I could do that. One thing I definitely learned was not to suck on the sharp end of the pencil; his teeth were always a little discoloured. Also I have never liked putting long pointy things in my mouth!

“Middle of the night, i couldn’t sleep. Lets take a selfie”.

P.S

The meeting went well, he “sort of” liked a couple of things pieces I presented. Photoshop it seems would make them better. What concerned me was that I might have wasted his time!

“Did you leave these in my fleece pocket?”,

There are things I need to think about, maybe join a group or art classes to practice different techniques. In reality maybe I should leave art to others like Andrew Oakley (I wonder if he went on to use his talent) and look for something else that I might be good at.

And Now For Something Completely Different……

“Mum practicing her new skill”.

A couple of days ago two managers came over and asked if a new guy could sit with me and listen to calls. The desperation in their faces was visible, they really were scraping the bottom of the barrel asking me.

“Lost Oyster seen at EC”.

The young man was just that, very young! I am probably older than his parents. Making small talk in-betweens calls is not what I normally do, usually I write and draw. At one point after a call I turned and found him with his eyes closed and head lolling to the side.

I hope I was not as bitter as I normally am, I really wouldn’t want to be responsible for making a new starter feel disillusioned about a career in a call centre.

“Green Thai Curry anyone”.

And Finally……

“Mum a little lite on her feet”.

Driving to mums last weekend, a couple of cars passed me with amusing number plates. W1NKEY and BIG 2, made me smile a lot.

And

A friend overheard a women say “He like’s me coz, I can get my leg up”. A little later it became apparent that she was a dancer in a show. Out of context it certainly sounded strange.

“Just checking my feet are still there. Yep!”.

Best Line Heard In A TV Show This Week……

“Tiff, wrinkles and blow ups” (Louis Theroux).

“Writing this Shiz. So pleased Vic & Bob have returned to save us from political madness at home and abroad”.

My Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:

“An Idiot Abroad”, (S2, ep 7, 04/11/11). “Chilling Adventures Of Sabrina”, (S1, ep 1 to ep 10). “Click”, (TX: 24/11/18). “Colin Murphy’s Panic Room (BBC NI)”, (S1, ep 1). “Doctor Who”, (S37/S11, ep 8). “Frasier”, (S3, ep 1 to ep 9). “Have I Got News For You”, (S56, ep 8, TX: 30/11/18). “Horizon (2018): The Contraceptive Pill: How Safe Is It?”, (ep 13, TX: 19/11/18). “Hounslow Diaries (BBC Three)”, (Pilot, TX: 05/11/18). “Ireland With Simon Reeves”, (S1, ep 1, TX: 22/11/15). “Lego Masters”, (S2, ep 4, TX: 27/11/18). “Louis Theroux Altered States: Take My Baby”, (TX: 25/11/18). “Mrs Brown’s Boys: Crimbum Special 2014”, (ep 1). “People Just Do Nothing”, (S5, ep 3). “Star Wars: Episode II: Attack Of The Clones”, (2002). “Storyville: Hurt Locker Hero”, (TX: 26/11/18). “Storyville: Poisoning America: The Devil We Know”, (TX: 19/11/18). “Strictly Come Dancing”, (S16, ep 10, TX: 24/11/18). “The Apprentice”, (S14, ep 9, TX: 28/11/18). “The Apprentice: Honest Subtitles”, (S4, ep 9, TX: 28/11/18). “The Apprentice: You’re Fired”, (S13, ep 9, TX: 28/11/18). “The Graham Norton Show”, (S24, ep 9, TX: 30/11/18). “The Last Leg”, (S15, ep 6, TX: 23/11/18). “The Mash Report” , (S2, ep 4, TX: 23/10/18)(ep 5, TX: 30/11/18). “Vic & Bobs Big Night Out”, (S1, ep1). “White House Down”, (2013).

This week I have mainly been listening to:

“Chasing Earhart”, (ep 4, 22/07/17). “Clinton Baptiste’s Paranormal Podcast”, (ep 1, 27/11/18). “Griefcast”, (ep 13, 06/12/17)(ep 16, 27/12/17)(ep 61, 28/11/18). “Iain Lee (Highlights)”, (24/11,26/11, 27/11, 28/11, 29/11/18). “LBC Podcast: Mystery Hour”, (29/11/18). “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (24/11, 30/11/18). “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot Habit”, (S2, ep 4, 29/11/18). “NASA: Houston We Have A Podcast”, (ep 73, 30/11/18). “NASA: In Silicon Valley”, (ep 47, 23/06/17)(ep 49, 29/06/17). “Skeptiod”, (ep 651, 27/11/18). “Soundtracking With Edith Bowman”, (ep 116, 26/11/18). “The Adam Buxton Podcast”, (ep 85, 26/11/18). “The Rabbit Hole”, (ep 68, 25/11/18). “True Crime Finland”, (ep 22, 01/06/18). “Morrissey”, “Reef”, “Puddle Of Mud”, “Radiohead”, “Shed Seven”, “Skunk Anansie”, “Biffy Clyro”, “Blur”, “Garbage”.