Misfits Mid-Life Crisis……..

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in …………..Surrey, Croydon, Essex and Buckinghamshire.

Week 42 (or Week 5 of the new adventure), Saturday 4th April until Friday 10th April 2015.

I have been watching: “As Above and below”, “Helix” (Season 2, eps 1), “Travel Man: 48 Hours in Barcelona”, “Thunderbirds are Go” (Season 1, eps 1), “The Island with Bear Grylls” eps 1 & 2, “Raised with Wolves” (Season 1, eps 4), “Dara and Ed’s Great Big Adventure” eps 3,

This week I have mainly been listening to: “Morrissey”, “David Bowie”, “Everything is Everything”, “Arcade Fire”. On Xfm “Link 182”, “Pulp”, “Florence and the Machine”. Lots of classic 90s tunes on Absolute 90s.

Reading on Kindle……“A Game of Thrones, A Song of Ice and Fire” book 2 “ A Clash of Kings” by George R.R. Martin.

 Far too many Starbucks, see i’m not fit.

I’m getting older, I know this because every year people contact me to wish me “happy another revolution round the sun day”.  I don’t really celebrate my birthday I just don’t see the point of celebrating another year gone, another nearer death.  My birthday on Facebook is very wrong I’ve changed it so many times over the years that Facebook won’t allow me to change it again (spoil sports).

   During painting (left), and  the finished mural (right), still prefer Mr Depp.

But I know I’m getting old, I have a horrible creaky knee when I go up or down stairs, there no pain or discomfort it just makes a horrible sound that makes me wince.  I have only really noticed the noise more since I returned to the UK a month ago on 6 April.  In Mozziebeak I didn’t climb many stairs and I was out in the open all the time maybe that’s why I didn’t notice it as much.  I’m now climbing more than 100 steps four times a day to the 5^th floor in a building that is almost all glass.  They have got “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” style glass lifts that whizz up and down very fast, but I feel the need to punish myself walking up and down a staircase that echo’s badly and makes my knee sound like something from a horror film.

 Croydon actually looked pretty (you couldn’t see it).

I used to run a lot and I have a fear that this may have contributed to buggering my knee.  My bicycle tyres have been pumped up (thanks Tim) and have enjoyed getting back in the saddle, cycling is supposed to be non-impact so that should be ok.  I used to belong to a gym but I don’t see the point of paying out for a membership at this time. However I am using a local pool, you know the type that has odd floating mysterious objects that you keep well away from. In Mozziebeak you tried to keep away from the stinging Bluebottles, I’d rather be stung by one of them then come across something horrible in the local pool. I love being in the water when I was away I did 180 dives, too many ocean safaris to count, a number of kayak and snorkelling. These days travelling on trains and sitting in front of a computer I really do feel like a fish out of water.

Knee problems do appear to run in the family my mum has a bionic knee so I suspect that this will be my future, but I can’t let that stop me from exercising and sort of enjoying it.  Yes I say sort of, as I never totally enjoyed running and doing other exercise but deep in my heart it’s something that I know is good for me (or is it, you do hear stories of very fit people who just drop dead…. Who’s right).

 See i’m not really enjoying it, deep down.

I’m working all week and have to find time to sign up with a Dr.  I can hear them now “it’s your age, dear”, but I hope that there might be something that they can do.  I really can’t bear the sound of my knee climbing the stairs daily; I make sure I’m listening to music as I do it to mask the sound.  I’m so tempted to use the “Charlie and the Chocolate factory lifts”, but I don’t have a golden ticket so I probably should just stay away and use the stairs.

 Rock and Roll evening in Buckingham.

Another busy week.  Travelled first class.  Went with SAZ to visit Suzanne and Neil. Bought my weekly train ticket using a passport picture taken in South Africa.  My little car Gimli 3 has gone to the great scrap heap in the sky; I did shed a tear as he was taken un-ceremonially away on a low loader.  I have been actively working on my children’s story. Went to the National Gallery (with MOZ) and saw lots of real art, so many po-faced people looking at painting of po-faced people.  Spring has sprung lots of Daffodils and plenty of birdsong about.  Keep nodding while trying to read on the train in the morning, haven’t missed my stop…..Yet.

 I can get all my South African/Mozziebeak supplies in London.

The Mid-Crisis Cont.…

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in …………..Surrey, Croydon, London.

Week 41 (or Week 4 of the new adventure), Saturday 28th March until Friday 3rd April 2015.

I have been watching: “Dara and Ed’s Big Adventure” (eps 1 & 2), “Stargazing Live” (Season 5, eps 3), Doctor Who “Kill The Moon” (Season 8/34 eps 7), 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown”, “Life and Death Row”, “Inside No9” (Season 2, eps 2), “Raised by Wolves” (Season 1, eps 3).

This week I have mainly been listening to: “James Bay”, “Lana Del Ray”, “The Manic Street Preachers”, “Morrissey”. On Xfm “Blur”, “Nirvana”, “The Charlatons”, “The Dandy Warhols”, “Everything is Everything”, “Arcade Fire”.

Reading on Kindle……“A Game of Thrones, A Song of Ice and Fire” book 2 “ A Clash of Kings” by George R.R. Martin.

 At work, the mug is a worlds greatest mum mug, i’m not a mum so I covered it with a post-it note.

On the train I stand (and occasionally) sit looking out of the window wondering about all the electricity we use. I imagine often what might happen if all the power suddenly went out (I’ve seen far too many films over the years about that very situation). If it happened on my journey home then of course the train would rumble to a halt very quickly which would be a pain if the train was between stations. The first thing I would notice would be how dark it would be, and how beautiful the night sky is without all the light pollution (I suppose that would be cloud dependant of course). I love to look up at the stars and any chance to see them without yellow street lamps is always a treat. I suspect the first thing i would hear are the screams from the people in the train who had been concentrating on their small illuminated screens, most of them probably chatting with people that they have been sitting next to all day at work. They still feel the need to text or chat informing of extremely important communications such as “I think I’ll have pasta tonight and a glass of wine”. The screams wouldn’t be because the train had stopped and it was dark, it would purely be because there life line there small illuminated screen had gone dark.

  My accidental Frist Class Ticket, I made sure I travelled in the FC compartment.

When I was in Mozziebeak I got used to regular power cuts, some for a few minutes, others of a few hours and a number for a whole day/weekend. Apart from the odd publicised power cut over a weekend you never knew when they were coming. Once i sat in a bar eating a meal while everyone else was watching what they considered an important Rugby game, a few minutes before the end the match everything went dark. I hid in my corner put my torch on and carried on eating my food, while a few metres away their world had ended. During August and September last year it felt like I spent most of the evenings in the dark as the power continually kept failing then coming back on. Some evening the power came and went like a bad smell. In Mozziebeak you get used to the power cuts it’s a part of life in that amazing country. There are of course a lot of people that are not connected to the national power grid so I have to consider myself as one of the lucky people. Over there it was important to always make sure that mobiles, computers and other battery operated appliances were fully charged. You always knew where your torch was and had plenty of candles on stand-by. Yes I am old enough to remember the power cuts in the UK in the 70s, but they were not like the ones I encountered in Tofo regularly.

  Boarded up shops in Croydon, nice paintings and Pigeons.

If there had never been electricity then the chance is I wouldn’t have ever left the area I grew up (I sort of feel like that as I grew up in Croydon and am working there again). I certainly would have never have travelled to Mozziebeak and definitely would have never scuba dived. I would imagine that most people would live and work on the land. Starting work when the sun came up and only finishing when it set in the evening. While I travelled I saw a lot of people that lived like this. I would see a large number of young children who would work collecting water or bread amongst other things first thing in the morning. The lucky ones would then go to school; the unlucky ones would continue to work helping the family all day without ever having the chance to just be a child.

 The Surrey Countryside at twilight.

A world without electivity might make great drama to watch, but it really wouldn’t be much fun. So maybe I should stop imagine the apocalypse and get used to a train carriage of people all staring intensely at their small illuminated screens chatting with their work colleagues who they will see again in the morning, but have to keep chatting and talking rubbish. I better hope the lights don’t go out ……..

 Lovely evening walk with a friend.

It’s been a busy week at work, moving from desk to desk (hot desking) in a new large glass building, with a very squeaky 5^th floor door. I have started to climb the 100 or so steps to the 5^th floor 4 times a day instead of using the glass sci-fi looking lifts. Getting my first pay this made my bank account look healthy for the first time in a long time. I travelled first class for the first time ever after I accidently bought a first class ticket. The look on the guards face as I entered the first class compartment and I showed him a valid ticket was priceless. Walking around London in the rain on a bank holiday (with MOZ), it wouldn’t be half as much fun if the sun had been out. Laughing at the so-called FART in the Tate Modern (on the Southbank) and watching people look seriously at some of the stuff hanging on the wall. Seeing an old friend after 10 months and going for a twilight walk in the countryside listening to all the starlings settle down for bed.

It has been a nice week and electricity made it all possible…

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in …………..Surrey, Croydon, Essex and London.

Week 40 (or Week 3 of the new adventure), Saturday 21st March until Friday 27th March 2015.

I have been watching: Stargazing Live (Season 5), Doctor Who “Listen” (Season 34/8 eps 4), ”Time Heist” (Season 34/8 eps 5), “The Caretaker” (Season 34/8 eps 6), “Flatline” (Season 34/8 eps 8), “Whiplash”, “Raised by Wolves” (eps 2), “Louis Theroux doc”, “Not Going Out” (Season 6 eps 3 & 4), “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” (BFI IMAX Waterloo)

This week I have mainly been listening to: “The Cranberries”, The Sundays”, “Sixpence non the richer”, Morrissey, On Xfm, “The Wombats”, “The White Stripes”, “Blur”.

Reading on Kindle……“A Game of Thrones, A Song of Ice and Fire” book 2 “ A Clash of Kings” by George R.R. Martin.

 Not sure who’s having more fun.

This week I have been getting used to hearing “All Change”, “Mind the gap between the train and the platform” and everybody’s favourite “The next train is cancelled”. That’s right I have become a commuter again. Every morning I get the same train, stand (if I ‘m lucky I get a seat) in the same place, reread the emergency information by the doors again which I will know it by heart soon. I see the same faces all looking down at small illuminated screens. Now and then you see someone going retro reading a book, that’s right paper pages with words printed on them bound together so it can be held and read. Sitting amongst the rest of the 21^st century they do look a little out of place but it’s also refreshingly pleasing.

In 5 days I have become a regular, the woman behind the glass at the train station booking office has commented on this and says hello. The man I get my free paper from in the evening smiles and says hello. I am officially part of the rat race.

 Local Government cuts.

I used to get up at the same time and walk to the dive shop in Mozziebeak, but it felt totally different much more relaxed less regimented. There was never the feeling of being stuck in a daily rut. Also the lack of small illuminated screens was noticeable, this meant that people would say hello, wave and shock horror smile. Look around the 7.40 to London Victoria and that’s one thing you will never see, a smile. If you did see a smile you would wonder what’s wrong with them it’s so out of place. I travel to my new job in my own cocoon standing (or sitting now and then) in my own space and god forbid anyone entering it, or knocking me. I might have only been doing this 5 days but I can give the perpetrator a stare that says back off mush. I think were breed to have this commuter instinct; it’s been years since I travelled daily like this but I haven’t forgotten how to do it. I stand (or sit if I’m lucky) and wonder who these people I see daily are what they do and what they are like.

 I spend up to 8 hours a day here.

My job is in a shiny new glass and metal building, which is a monstrosity, it’s ugly but it’s going to help me save money. I work in a huge open plan office, with lots of people sitting in rows all looking at illuminated screens. I spent my day looking at one of these screens talking on the phone; by the end of the day I am totally sick of hearing my own voice. I have started to speak to a few people in the office but of course there peeled to the technology in front of them all trying to earn a few pounds to survive. For them this is a career, for me it’s a means to get back to Mozziebeak but they don’t need to know that. I can’t see that I will be getting to know anyone in the office; they will just be faces and voices I hear for 8 hours a day. I miss the family atmosphere of the dive shop, it really is a family everyone knew each other and cared for each other. I stare out of the window and look at the skyscrapers being erected over Croydon, one of them I can see visible changes every day, I will look back at that building in the future and remember that I saw sections of it actually being put in place. While staring out of the window watching the clouds, I remember the clouds on the boat speeding to a dive site, its thoughts like that which are going to get me through the next few months.

 Going, going gone.

I spend my lunch time watching diggers that look like dinosaurs chomp on the concrete, twisted metal and glass of the old Council building as they demolish it. I feed the stumpy footed pigeons while distracting the other more greedy ones with something else. I always feel sorry for the ones missing toes or feet in general, there my lunchtime pals.

 “No snoring Aunty Dee Dee”, said Spiderman.

It’s been a very busy week getting used to new practices and process and computer systems with lots of passwords. The car failed its MoT so he will have to go (R.I.P Gimli 3). Mum (Grandma) has been down which has been lovely, it has resulted in me having to sleep in my niece’s room. I creep in and out trying not to wake a 3 year old; who warned me not to snore so far I have got away with it. I also went in to London and saw the Rocky Horror Show on the biggest screen in the UK, first time I have seen it at the cinema in 20 years I think (I used to go dressed up, but now I’m a boring old commuter I’ll leave all that to the young people around me).

 At the BFI IMAX Waterloo.

It has been a good week, just got to keep reminding myself why I’m here and doing this.

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in …………..Surrey, London, Northamptonshire.

Week 39 (or Week 2 of the new adventure), Saturday 14th March until Friday 20th March 2015.

I have been watching: Doctor Who (Season 34/8) “Deep Breath” (eps 1), “Into the Dalek” (eps 2), “Robots of Sherwood” (eps 3), “Raised by Wolves” (eps 1), “8 out of 10 Cats does Countdown”, “The IT Crowd”, “Planet of the Apes (the 1968 original version).

This week I have mainly been listening to…..”Lana Del Ray”, Morrissey”, “Arcade Fire”. Absolute radio “Kate Bush”, “Simple Minds”. Xfm “Artic Monkeys”, “Supergrass”, “Laura Marlin”, Liam Gallagher’s High flying Birds”.

Reading on Kindle……“A Game of Thrones, A Song of Ice and Fire” book 2 “ A Clash of Kings” by George R.R. Martin.

At the end of last week I had a call from a temp agency about a possible job working for a London Borough in the Revenues department, this is work that I used to do in a different part of the capital. I admit it’s not what I want to do but if it means I can save money so that I can return to Tofo and continue the mid-life crisis then so be it.

 One of us has a nickname of “Fat face”….

Monday this week I had to go to the Job Centre early in the morning I was really hoping that I would hear more about the job before the interview, I didn’t. Just looking at the faces of the Jobcentre staff you can tell that they have been here for years and really don’t enjoy their job, but a jobs a job (so they say). I also had to attend a Habitual Residency Test (HRT) in order to ensure that I have a right to be in the country. I was ready to answer questions such as “Who is the Prime Minister” the answer Jezza Clarkson, “Who is the Monarch” the answer Julie Walters. These questions didn’t come up, it’s just like being at school all over again preparing for a test and everything that you hoped would come up didn’t. Instead there were questions such as “Did the Mozambique authorities know that I have left the country”, “Why had I come to the UK”. The problem with the HRT is that it’s really for people coming in to the country for the first time or people that haven’t lived in the UK for a long time. The woman behind the counter actually kept apologising for the stupidity of the questions, you also could tell that she knew these off by heart she really didn’t need to read from her screen.

 Helen modelling here Liquid Dive Adventures T-shirt.

The Job centre staff weren’t impressed that I intended to go and visit my mum on Tuesday, well I haven’t seen her in 9 months.

 Mum had only just woken up when ambushed her with the camera.

Once out of the job centre clutching all the pieces of low quality cheap photocopying paper with badly printed information about making a claim and what I need to do before my first signing session later in the week.

 Quack.

I am my worst enemy; I have a constant fight against feeling depressed and low. Most of the time it’s just my mind mulling everything over, the more I mull the worse everything appears. I have to remember that I have done things that others dream of. I need to remind myself of the amazing Manta, Whale Shark, Turtle experiences I had in Mozzibeak. The wonderful smiling people I met. Its memories like that I need to think about to bring me out of the pit of darkness I visit often.

 Taken while walking in the rain along the Grand Union Canal.

Once home I thought I better do some job hunting (none of the applications forms or CV’s handed in last week have developed in to anything). I quickly found a job in Gatwick with a car hire firm, while quickly adjusting my CV to fit the application the phone rang. The curtain of darkness suddenly lifted, yes I can be a drama queen at times and during the day I was an Oscar winning one. This is because I have learned to not expect good things to happen, I’m not a lucky person if I want something I have to work damn hard I don’t get things given to me on a plate. However when that phone rang it appears that I have been given not just a plate but an entire platter of an opportunity.

Working in an office again will be strange, having to dress up, put a little make up here and there. Getting to know new people is always scary. But as I have said before I only have to do this for a short time, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 Anaia my niece drew this picture of me.

It’s been a good week. Got the car running (with the help of the recovery man), drove to mums, started running after months of resting (had a nice walk along the Grand Union Canal). I got to spend lot of quality time with my nephew and niece. High light of the week was spending time with my best friend MOZ, we might have only gone to Lakeside shopping centre but it made me happy.

 No this is not from Lord of the Rings, I watched the eclipse on TV,  it was far to cloudy here,  but still stunning.

Next week a new chapter of the Mid-Life Crisis starts…..

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in ………….. Mozambique, South Africa, UK.

Week 38 (or Week 1 of the new adventure), Friday 6th March until Friday 13^th March 2015.

I watched: “Theory of Everything”, “Interstellar”, “Ninja Turtles”, “Edge of Tomorrow”, Top Gear (on Dave), “Mel & Sue”.

This week I have mainly been listening to….. Alt-J, Morrissey, Smiths, Lana Del Ray and radio in the UK, BBC6 Music, Xfm, LBC.

Reading on Kindle……“A Game of Thrones, A Song of Ice and Fire” book 2 “ A Clash of Kings” by George R.R. Martin.

Congratulations to my Brother Paul and his wife Sigrida on the birth of their new son “Leo” on 11 March.

On 6^th march I left Mozambique, I felt sick as the plane lifted of East African soil, I really wanted there to be a problem so that we had to land again.

 My little plane out of East Africa.

Getting back to the UK was easy, I just sat there watched lots of films and looked out of the window being constantly amazed that I was in a metal flying bird tens of thousands of feet in the air. I have no fear of flying quite the opposite I love it, take-off and landing are the best bits of course, the noise the juddering the vibration make the experience all the more exciting. I find the actual flying part boring, that’s why a window seat and good films and food are always important. Yes I am one of life’s strange people I love plane food.

 My big plane to Heathrow.

I was met at Heathrow by my sister and her daughter and my best friend, 3 of the most important people of my life. I was really seeing everything through the eyes of a child. I was wide eyed at all the people and the traffic around me; this reminded me why I love Tofo so much the lack of people and traffic.

Life got stressful once the week actually started when I found out I had a lot less money than I thought and the car was dead. For 2 days I just fretted when I was supposed to be having fun with MOZ (who had taken time off, soz). This is when the depressive duvet started to cover me, for the last 9 months it’s been pushed to the bottom of the bed just covering my feet now and then. I had not felt like this for a long time.  The answer is simple I really wished I hadn’t come back (of course I would have had to come back soon due to the lack of money). I have discovered that dealing with this “so called normal life” is not for me.

 Me trying to live a “boring normal life”.

The last few days I have spent looking for a job, deep down I found it embarrassing at first but you soon get over that feeling. Everyone works, were all just trying to make it to tomorrow. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a farmer in Mozambique who is out in their field from sunrise to sunset or a shop worker in Surrey we all have to make ends meet. I have applied for work in shops either by filling in their application form or just handing in my CV (hastily composed) asking if there is any work. I also sent CV to agencies that deal with the type of office work I used to do. One of these agencies has contacted me about a job in local government (Not with Sutton another borough) maybe this will materialise next week.

Monday I have to go to the Jobcentre for a “Habitual Residence Test” I imagine it to be something along the lines of “who is the Monarch”, “who is the Prime Minster”, “Do you like vinegar on your chip” (YES). You never know I could be lucky and fail the test resulting in my deportation to Heathrow and finding myself sitting in a metal bird tens of thousands of feet up looking out of a small window, or watching lots of movies and eating great airplane food. I like this idea; I’ve never been good at tests.

 Jesse my nephew.

It’s been a week of highs (seeing family and friends and other friends not seen in over 20 years). A week of lows (realizing that I have no money or the car won’t start, meaning that I cannot visit my mum). But I have dreamed a lot about seeing my friends in East Africa while tramping around Tofo in flip flops (my feet are buggered from wearing shoes this week). Life carries on I have to make the most of it……..

The adventure cont…..

Misfits Mid Life Crisis Adventures in ………….. Mozambique.

Week 37, Saturday 28^th February until Friday 6^th March 2015.

This week I have mainly been listening to….. Alt-J, Suede, Morrissey, Lana Del Ray, Pulp, Cocteau Twins, XX,

And have been watching…. Weeds (Season 6, eps 5 to 13), (Season 7, eps 1 to 3)

Still reading on Kindle……Finished “A Game of Thrones, A Song of Ice and Fire” book 1 by George R.R. Martin. Started “A Game of Thrones, A Song of Ice and Fire” book 2 “ A Clash of Kings” by George R.R. Martin.

Saturday 28^th, and so starts the final week of my current (my 2^nd visit to Tofo, the first was in 2013) trip to Tofo. We went south today on 2 dives on what could have been called a “Harry Potter” double tank. The first dive was to “Hogwarts” the second was to “Chamber of Secrets”. As we arrived at “Hogwarts” about to kit up we suddenly had a couple of Devil Rays jumping out of the water, what an amazing site. During the dive those of us at the back saw a medium sized ray swim in between our group of divers, the divers at the front were oblivious to the visitor. I saw another Sea Apple (it’s a form of Sea Cucumber, which I also like) don’t see many of them I was excited. After an hour and a half in the sun on the boat we dived the lovely “Chamber of Secrets” a site full of small life such as Porcupine fish chasing each other and living together very closely under a ledge. They have huge sad looking faces love to see them close up. A Torpedo Ray hiding in a crack wouldn’t have been spotted if not for a customer who likes to investigate every nook and cranny. For the last 9 months I have scrambled on the boat at the back like a huge neoprene covered seal, it’s never a pretty sight and thinking about it probably has not helped my back. I am now managing to climb in the boat like a normal diver (grab on to the rope dip yourself in the sea a few times and jump and kick grabbing hold of ropes or foot straps). My feet are starting to get a little colour but I suspect there will still be a difference between legs and feet by the time I leave. SAZ skyped while I was sitting drinking a beer watching the sun go down.

Sunday 1^st March, First thing this morning I went on a dive north, there had been talk of going on an exploration dive to a new unknown site. Just before we left it was however decided that we would actually go to one of our normal sites (I haven’t been there very often). The boat ride to “Reggies” takes about 30 minutes, the sea was flat as I watched Tofo recede in to the distance. Another chilled dive I was at the back sweeping for Nadia (Sweeping is a little like being a underwater sheep dog, you keep an eye and make sure that everyone stays together and goes the right way). A large Jenkins Ray was spotted and passed the group. Mike and Miki had a very close encounter with a huge Potato Grouper, big fish who are so curious and love to come and say hello. We actually came back to the shop instead of doing a second dive straight away. I started to look at making a couple of new signs, a problem soon became obvious the wood is not square so I need to think of a way to make the writing straight. I had to stop when I was needed for another dive (what a hard life). Only 4 of us went in the bay to “Giants Castle”, we investigated a little more north which is not something we normally do again I think this was because we were an experienced group. During our assent we came across a huge group of schooling bigeye trevally, were we swimming with them or them with us, I’m not sure. Either way our group was surrounded by big fish sites like this I will never forget. My camera battery died months ago I have tried to get a new one with no susses. Next time I come I will have a new camera so I can capture these special moments.

  Victoria who I buy drink from.

Monday 2^nd, a day of bad weather, wind, rain and rising sea (there is another Cyclone of Madagascar). We did launch only in the bay on Tofo dives 177 and 178 today. The sea was choppy while Neptune chucks buckets of water over us just to make sure that we were really wet by the time we arrived at “Clownfish” trip of 2 minutes from the beach. My main job was to set the buoy line, today it was decided that we should use an anchor point that is actually ours; I have seen it so many times and know where it is. The concrete filled plastic bucket is on its side and has not been used in a while but it still has an anchor point so I attached the line. This meant that the customers had a visual reference to descend to the sea floor with. Once Satu had done the required skills with her customer I lead them round a small loop of the dive site. Towards the end of the dive the reef got darker; I looked up and could tell from depths that it was raining. Sure enough once out of the water I was wetter than in the sea, but we had another dive to do. Luckily we didn’t need a long surface interval and off to “ Mikes Cupboard” a slightly deeper dive which I lead. Saw a torpedo ray hiding, crocodile fish relaxing on the reef and so much lovely reef life. When I’m in the water really feel that I’m weightless (I’m not of course) in my head I’m on a spacewalk exploring this amazing alien environment. The journey back to the beach took a lot longer due to wind waves, we all either had sunglasses or dive mask (inc the captain) on so that we could see where we were going the rain hurt your face it was like you were being hit by hail stones. Had lovely vegan Moussaka made by jenny, for lunch so nice I could have eaten it twice (yesterday I had 2 club sandwiches that Jenny made, so I couldn’t have extra moussaka). I did something very rare I nodded off in the afternoon I just came over very tired. Miki got his own back and draw on my forehead. Mike and I had done it a couple of days ago to him. So I was asking for it really, I didn’t feel a think I was in a deep sleep, definitely Karma in action. Mike brought crab home this evening for a curry, when I found out how they were going to kill them (basically twist the shell in too) I couldn’t eat it. I have and like crab but won’t be eating it again.

  Veronica who I buy fruit and veg from.

Tuesday 3^rd, due to the weather, high wind and rough sea there were no launched today, I stayed in the shop until noon when I was allowed to go home. I am trying to come up with a cartoon to say thank you to all the guys at Liquid. But I have a slight art block, plus I’m not feeling well again, Nadia came back from the UK last week a little ill and a number of us appear to have it. Had a lovely afternoon nap for a few hours listening to music, still no ideas have appeared. I decided to have a go at packing for Friday. I’m leaving my dive gear at the shop, and one case with Jenny. I want to take back as little as possible, leaving toiletries and some clothes. I’m mainly taking electrical stuff home must make sure everything is fully charged. Jenny made chicken noodle soup which she said was “Jewish Penicillin” here’s hoping it works. Mike has got himself a new place, he’ll be moving out before I leave I think Miki and Adrian are moving in as well, it will become Tofo’s party central, the bars in town better watch out Mike, Miki and Adrian are in town.

    Beach boy and Thomas, cab driver and sells air time, all round good guy.

Wednesday 4^th, I stayed home, tried to sleep, coughed a lot and in the end went for a walk in to town taking pictures but also to go to the pharmacy. Got cough medicine hope it works as I wouldn’t want to be stuck on a plane with me coughing all the time. Saw some of the lovely people in Tofo that has made my experience so great told them I’m leaving and have promised to see them before I actually depart. I did mention I was coming back in July but I’m never sure how much is really understood due to the language barrier. Popped in to Liquid, I already feel like I have left as there was a meeting about to start about things that need to be done during the rest of March things that won’t concern me. I have to remember when I return to the UK that I won’t be away from Tofo for long I am returning in a few months. I have done some rough cartoons of the people that work at Liquid but there not good, so I have come up with another idea for a goodbye toon, it will be rushed but I hope it speaks from the heart.

  Veronica who makes great food, we call it the Tofo lotto as you never know what she’s making on any day.

Thursday 5^th, my last full day at Liquid and in Mozziebeak. I was feeling a little better so a staff dive to “Giants Castle” was arranged, Tofo dive 179 since June. What a dive, the reef is about 500 metres long but we pretty much stayed around the drop point. A small eye stingray (there not small at about 2.5 metres) was seen pretty much straight away. Then we were treated to a beautiful Manta on the cleaning station it was chilled hovering above the reef, we even saw it feed (well it mouth moved). We just stayed slightly lower than the manta and watched it Mike getting great video and pictures. There was a slight current so we had to work a little hard to keep in the same place but it was so worth it. The Manta came really close to us at one point, they look so alien. After about 20 minutes we had to start to start to ascend, that’s when it got even more exciting. Below us we spotted 2 more Manta’s, the way they moved about each other it was almost like a ballet. We were all so excited you could see the smiles coming from behind the regulators. What an epic dive which I thought was my last. I later found out that I was going on another dive in the afternoon to “Salon” Tofo dive 180. My dive gear was drying so it could be packed away; this meant that I used shop gear instead, it felt very strange diving in gear that was not my own. “Salon” is nice but it’s no “Giants”, no Mantas. In the afternoon almost all of Liquid was together for a last supper, I’d got 8kgs of fish; Jenny made a lovely salad and got nice fresh rolls from her little bakery. We all sat down and ate together; my Tofo family are very special to me. My dive gear once dried was packed away for when I return in July, it will be Humpback season again i can’t wait to say hello to them. I feel very sad to be leaving, the last time I left Tofo (October 2013) I found it very difficult to readjust to life in the UK. There is a difference now I’m coming back in a few months, I have to just remember that I’m just visiting friends and family in the UK for a few months then I’m coming home to Tofo. I worked out that if I can save a minimum of £2000 which is about 104,000mets, I could live comfortably on that it might be a tight budget but I could do it. This doesn’t include flights and visas and stuff like that so I would need to earn more. But £2000 is an achievable figure to earn in order for me to return to this amazing place and dive with great people from all around the world and wonderful marine life. After the excitement of today I am having a couple of drinks and doing nothing. I didn’t get to 200 Tofo dives but I’m very pleased with 180.

 Dive 179 to “Giants”, EPIC. Dive 180 to the Mighty “Salon”

Friday 6^th, Just before bed the fan stopped working, it only one night but I like a fan on. But I haven’t slept much of this one night. I did the on-line check-in for my Joberg to London Flights, other than that i have tossed and turned all night. Will be at the shop for a little to say final goodbyes, some of the people won’t be in Tofo when i return other will. I just want to thank them for a wonderful time everyone has been so good to me.

I will write an update when I get to Joberg airport, am there about 6 hours before I fly to London via Dubai. I am very sad to be leaving this little paradise in a lovely country with amazing people. I can’t wait to return in July. In some ways the Mid-Life Crisis continues in the UK, I need to find work, I have to survive the next few months. I don’t think it’s going to be easy going back but I have to remember that I’m not staying long, Tofo keep calling.

Misfits Mid Life Crisis Adventures in ………….. Mozambique.

Week 36, Saturday 21st until Friday 27^th February 2015.

This week I have mainly been listening to….. The B52s, Pulp, Sleeper, Morrissey, Echobelly, The Stone Roses, The Velvet Underground, Suede (Saturday Night).

And have been watching…. Weeds (season 4, eps 7 to 13) & (Season 5, eps 1 to 13) & (Season 6, eps 1 to 4)

Still reading on Kindle…… “A Game of Thrones, A Song of Ice and Fire” book 1 by George R.R. Martin.

 Happy B’day little man.

Saturday 21^st, The Liquid household has a new housemate and DMT, he arrived last night a French guy called Adrian seems very nice, it’s always good to dive with new people.

I didn’t have a good night I haven’t felt 100% the last couple of days so I made the decision to stay at home. I actually spent most of the morning in bed and a little part of the afternoon as well lazy cow. I’m deffo not going to reach 200 Tofo dives by the time I leave, it would have been a nice round number to have ended my trip on. In 14 days’ time I will be flying home it’s not something I really want to do but I have to go home eventually and do some real work for a few months so I can return to this paradise. Also I really want to see my nephews and niece, so I should look forward to going back to Blighty, but Tofo has become my reality. I posted the pictures I took yesterday for Jesse my nephew who is ONE today; when I last saw him he was 3 months old can’t wait to squeeze him. I Skyped with SAZ and family and she has asked me to bring back “cardboard Jesse” from the pictures (I was going to anyway). I spent the afternoon helping Jen start making Marula jam. Marula’s are small green fruits like a lemon on the outside and a lychee on the inside. Sitting watching the sea while cutting the fruits was therapeutic. I made a last minute decision this evening to do a cartoon for my 7 year old cuz Amelia, it was a quick job and as a result the toon looks more like UK comic Sarah Millican.

 Sorry to Amelia Foote and Sarah Millican.

Sunday 22^nd, was back at the dive shop, didn’t feel 100% but it was better to be at the dive ship then sleeping all day. I didn’t go on the double tank which was a pity as I really wanted to go south again. For the second Sunday in a row we have had no electric from early (5 or 6am) until the afternoon, today it came back at 4pm. The funny thing was we had water all day. Most days we don’t have water but we have electric, today it was the other way round. When there’s no water we have to fill a bucket to flush the loo, sometimes you have to use water from the swimming pool, that’s life here in Tofo. I conducted a Scuba review for a qualified diver who hasn’t dived in a while. Once the pool session had taken place I took the customer to our shallow site “Clownfish” for a dive. This is always a fave dive site for me there is just so much life to be seen. I got Bluebotted on the chin and leg, ouch (Blue bottles are not Jellyfish there similar, the sting is more of an irritant like a bee sting after 20 minutes or so it’s gone). Mike, Miki and Adrian and I made sure that equipment such as fins and wetsuits and BCDs were all in the correct order. We wanted everything to be good as Tomorrow Nadia our main instructor returns from holiday. I Skyped with my best friend MOZ, we chat in texts and e-mails most days but haven’t Skyped since New Year’s Eve. It was so nice spending a couple of hours chatting about pretty much anything and everything, it was as if we were in London in our regular Starbucks. This evening we had a Braai, Mike and Miki cooked Boerewors (South African sausage) mash and some lovely fish, I was definitely full by the time I went to bed.

 The food is shaped like Africa, only just realised that not done on purpose.

Monday 23^rd, having breakfast watching the sea there was some sun but the sky was a little cloudy. After a shower and getting dressed the whole scene had changed. The rain was lashing down, and I couldn’t see much of the sea due to mist. Went on 2 dives today both the launches were rough we only dived with in the bay due to the conditions. I sat on the boat holding on to the ropes riding the waves while what felt like buckets of water were being thrown over me. But it was all worth it as the viz on the dives was great. At “Giants Castle” the viz must have been 20+ metres, nice dive nothing major to report until towards the end when a Reef Manta was spotted below us. Everyone was very excited as it’s the first Manta we have seen for a while. After spending time at the shop we went out again to “Sherwood Forest” this time no Manta’s but a number of Morays were observed. I was Bluebottled again this time on the arm, I wonder if you build up a tolerance if you get stung enough. Miki has had a look at my back; he is a qualified Osteopath. I got a good pummelling, yes it did hurt. I spent the rest of the day not in pain as such, but uncomfortable. This evening there is a meeting with a person from the British High Commission, I decided I wasn’t going to go hopefully I won’t get arrested for the remaining time I’m here so I don’t think I’m going to need them. Plus people said you needed to dress up a little and I can’t be bothered with all that, oh I don’t have any smart clothes anyway.

 “Whats up Doc”, actually my back….

Tuesday 24^th, woke up and my back felt stiff (Miki said it will be) and painful. I went to the dive shop but after helping set up the dive I decided to be good to my back and go home. I laid on the couch by the door while Jen put ice on my back I ended up sleeping for a while and waking up in a puddle (where ice had melted). Spent the rest of the day thinking of interesting ways I can make money when in the UK. Some of the current ideas include working as an extra in TV/Film, being a still life model for art schools, maybe working in a Lesbian and Gay bar, how about phone sex. For a few days I have been worried as to the actual day I fly as my phone has said it’s a Thursday, but I’m sure it’s a Friday. I realised today that when I last reset the calendar (I had to do this after I charged my internet dongle, you have to put the dongles SIM in the phone) I set it to 2014. I do go home on a Friday 6^th March. Something else that I thought about is clothes, as I’m going to be staying with my sister in Surrey but all my clothes are with MOZ in Essex. I really am not going to be suitably attired when I arrive in shorts vest top and flip flops holding a battered M&S hat. I don’t normally feel the cold so I should be ok, but after 9 months of Mozziebeak weather I might not be so hardy anymore. Will have to make arrangement

 Ghost feet, need some sun.

Wednesday 25^th, my back sore again, as a result I had to take another day off this meant that I missed an epic dives up north with Leopard sharks. I did my own thing a combination of sleeping and watching more “Weeds”. When the fan stopped working due to another power cut I decided I had to get out and buy supplies Beer, Juice, Bread the important things in life. While in the market I bumped in to Justin (he of the Naked dive last week). The next thing I knew I was in a local bar drinking beer, it was very consensual. I must have looked a sight staggering home with my shopping. I really didn’t do anything of interest for the rest of the day.

 In my booties and shortie.

Thursday 26^th, went on a double tank south to “Manta Reef” and “Marble Arch”. Both dives had viz of 20 plus metres it was so beautiful lots of schooling fish and huge Groupers, but nothing really special to report. I have a tan suntan problem, my legs only have colour from the thighs to my ankles. This is from wearing shorts and/or a shortie wetsuit; my feet are a lighter shade because I wear flip flops around the shop but dive boots when I go on a dive. I’m not a sun lover you would never normally see me out trying to get colour. I am now actively trying to get my feet as near to the shade of my legs, the booties are only worn just before I actually dive. I have a Liquid Dive Adventures vest top, Miki cut a number of our T-shirts in to vests. I don’t think the bosses back in November were keen on the idea when the shirts were ordered. But now a number of the team have gone to Miki for his restyling. This means that my shoulders are getting rays after being covered the last few months (before the T-shirts I wore vest tops I brought with me so I do have a little colour on the shoulders). This evening I have been balancing on a ledge changing light bulbs. If I was the surgeon then Jen was the nurse helping to hand me screws and her pink screwdriver in the shape of a small pistol (hand gun). To get from one side of the pillar to the other I could have stepped down and walked around, that was not good enough. I gave Jen a heart attack each time by hugging the pillar and moving round it with nothing but a 5 or more metre drop behind me. Jen’s concern only made me do it again and again and again. Managed to get most of the lights working not all of them, the bulbs and wiring are shocking here in Mozziebeak (Mike is a qualified electrician, he said that).

  Daredevil or nut case you decide.

Friday 27^th, what a day. Miki got crapped on by a bird (it’s meant to be good luck) and I think we had good luck. Two dives of epicness. The sea in the morning was as flat as a pancake there was also no wind. The viz at “Giants” was maybe 30 metres, we saw giant Lobsters, a free swimming Moray, schooling Big Eyed Trevally and Barracuda, a Jenkins ray chilling on the sea floor. But the Big highlight we were buzzed by two Dolphins while on our safety stop. We had been followed by Dolphins on the way to the dive site, so I think everyone was secretly hoping we would see them at depth. Miki screamed so loud in to his regulator when he spotted them. The second dive to “Sherwood Forest” we had viz of 20 plus metres. There is a short swim thru that allows divers to pass from one side of a huge rock to the other. Today no one could go through laying on the sand in the middle of the swim thru was a large Blotchtail Fan Ray just chilling. The group who I lead just floated and watched in awe of this beautiful creature resting undercover protected by the shallow rock archway. We did have schooling Amber jacks who parted like an underwater curtain for us. On both dives no one wanted to surface. I must mention Chris problem with a Squirrel running around his house annoying his cats, I laughed so much. I named the Squirrel Steven I thought it was rude just to say “the Squirrel”.

 Giants Castle or the Boogerman and  Sherwood Forest or the Millennium Falcon in the asteroid field from ESB

I have only one week left of this adventure; I suspect it’s going to pass really quickly. I need to make the most of every second I have left in Mozziebeak. I will return in July or August but I have to enjoy all the remaining time in this amazing country with beautiful sea life and wonderful people. Bring on lots more dives of Epicness mother nature.

Misfits Mid Life Crisis Adventures in ………….. Mozambique.

Week 35, Saturday 14th until Friday 20^th February 2015.

This week I have mainly been listening to….. Morrissey, XX, Pulp, Sleeper, Echobelly,

And have been watching…. Weeds (Season 3, eps 4 to 15) (Season 4, eps 1 to 6), Top Gear (Season 22, eps 3), Hotel Transylvania, Cats and Dogs, 22 Jump Street,

Still reading on Kindle…… “A Game of Thrones, A Song of Ice and Fire” book 1 by George R.R. Martin.

 My Valentines “Bah Humbug” picture, the set up on the left and the finished product on the right.

Saturday 14^th, today started off with my 5th double tank in 4 days, that’s 10 dives, woo hoo. We went north about 15k out from Tofo not somewhere we go often which is a pity, I lead both dives. The dive to “Office” didn’t quite go to plan the drop seemed a little off which meant that we missed the reef. But we did have a White Tip reef shark and a large Grouper who just swam up to me and stared at me. After a long surface interval the second dive to “Reggies” was much better. As I dropped I saw a Small Eyed Stingray (the world’s largest ray), no one else saw it as I was first to the reef. The rest of the dive included a number of Jenkins and Blotch Tail Fan Rays just chilling on the ocean floor, a couple of large Leopard sharks and another White Tip. Reggies was such a lovely dive, overall a really good morning. One customer who is an instructor with over 1000 dives under his weight belt, said to me not to feel bad about the “Office” drop. He also said really nice things that I wouldn’t say myself and to be honest can’t believe, but they were lovely words from someone with so much experience. Another very hot day in Tofo being in the water really is the only place to be. I had a Valentines (yes I mentioned that terrible word) skype from my lovely 3 yr old niece it melted even my ice cold heart. Early to bed as I have a snorkel trip first thing in the morning

 Rough and windy.

Sunday 15^th, was up at silly-o-clock and met the customers as agreed at their lodge 6am. However the bakkie, the transport was late, after investigating it turns out that he had been waiting outside another dive centre. I really don’t know how that happened as last night at 6pm he was clearly asked to meet at Turtle Cove. After picking up Mani (another of the Liquid guys) we arrived at the estuary. There was 100% cloud cover, in the distance the clouds got darker and heavier looking, we knew rain as coming. Then the thunder and lightning started, always an impressive sight. Walking over the dry estuary floor we all watched as the storm came our way fast. As if on cue once we reached the snorkelling location the heavens opened, the rain drops were big plopping into the estuary water. This mixing of fresh water and sea water meant that the viability deteriorated we couldn’t make out detail which meant that spotting a Sea Horse was going to be impossible now. Looking up at the surface of the water you could see rain drops breaking the surface and sparkling with stormy daylight. We found we were surrounded by mist, couldn’t see much past 10 metres, with the rain and thunder and lightning increasing it was decided that we should end the trip. Once back at our pick up point we discovered that someone had been struck by lightning and the bakkie had taken them to Hospital. The customers didn’t want to wait and get cold so we walked the 1½ to 2 ½k in the rain back to the main road. People’s faces as they saw us pass by in the rain were a picture. The rest of the day was very quiet due to a daylong power cut from about 6am onwards finally returning at 5pm. Tonight I’m staying at Satu and Jari’s place (the place I spent crimbum in) as there away for a couple of day’s I’m taking care of Alfie the dog.

 Alfie is handsome.

Monday 16^th, I was woken up in early hours by rain hitting the metal roof, the noise was deafening. It was still raining when I had to leave for the shop, Alfie didn’t want to come I had to result to bribery with ham i found in the fridge (Soz Satu). We must have looked a right pair at 6.20am walking in the rain into downtown Tofo (there isn’t really a downtown). The double tank this morning was canx due to the wind and rough sea, the rain doesn’t really affect a dive but on a double tank it can make the surface interval a little miserable. We are hoping to go tomorrow now but the prediction is more of the same, with extra helpings of wind and large sea we’ll have to see in the morning. Chris did a DSD (Discover Scuba Diving) but could only do the pool part today the ocean dive will now be later in the week. I spent the day with Alfie keeping myself occupied. Once home I discovered a Mozambique monster snail (like the one in SA in December), it was near the gate I suspect it was trying to make its way across the road to Mozambeats for a Lettice leaf and Cabbage juice. I couldn’t bear the thought of this magnificent creature getting squashed so I picked it up and relocated it in Jari and Satu’s garden.

 Mozziebeaks monster snail.

Tuesday 17^th, a windy rough day, this meant that we didn’t launch again. I did a little dive shop housekeeping sorting fin sizes and wetsuits, but of course that didn’t take all day. It’s Jesse my little nephew’s b’day on Saturday 21^st February and I want to do a cartoon keeping in line with the new tradition of cartoons for family b’days and occasions such as New Year. I did have an idea about a number of Jesse masks on local kids but that didn’t materialised. I have taken the mask I have drawn and used it to make a model. I plan to go to Tofo beach on Friday at sunrise which is about 5.30am and take some pictures. Highlight of the day is Mike my Tofo son has returned. He left for the UK a couple of weeks ago and arrived this afternoon. A car stopped outside, a number of men got out carrying large bags. I thought we haven’t got someone diving booked with their own gear or maybe there booked in to the accommodation above the shop. That’s when I saw Mike with a huge grin. This is the moment when Alfie decided to go AWOL again. Mike is staying with me at Satu & Jari’s place tonight as he didn’t really have anywhere booked. Alfie was seen near his old home and was returned, I was really relieved as losing him on my watch really was not something I wanted.

 The return of my Tofo son Mike.

Wednesday 18^th, Staff dive to “Giants Castle” with Kev and Mike, Mikes first dive back in Tofo, The current was a reverse but still great dive. When we got to the location we found all the other dive shops had picked this morning, i like to think they were welcoming Mike home. Today I moved my stuff from Nadia’s house to the big house I lived with Jenny in from Oct to mid December last year. The new house is actually just round the corner from Nadia’s so I didn’t have to move my stuff far. I will miss the scary dogs (Alan Minter, Mumble, Wiggly woo and Ringo) as they had gotten used to me and me them. But it’s nice to be in the big house again. Mike is moving in with us which will be great. I like to stand on the porch and watch the sea (the view is not great due to another house in front but I can still see the sea). Mike and I went to Turtle Cove lodge for a drink and food. I was captivated by a beautiful tiny kitten who I fed some of my burger to. I really hope a kitten as young as is being looked after as it should really be with its mother. Once home watched 22 Jump Street with Mike who feel asleep, but was convinced he hadn’t, until he realised he was seeing the end credits. I haven’t arranged my room, In fact I have been living out of suit cases for the last 9 months I haven’t bothered unpacking never saw the point. Woke up to a terrible banging sound in the middle of the night, I actually lay there and left it for a moment then had to put a light on and get up. The power lead was being knocked by the fan blades which meant the control box was bashing about making a noise. Luckily Mike and Jenny are deep sleepers as they didn’t hear a thing.

 I was not naked on the Epic naked dive.

Thursday 19^th, today was a special dive, Mikes 100^th Tofo dive, so he decided he needed to go naked (I have passed my Tofo 100 a long time ago and managed to escape a naked dive). It wasn’t just Mike who was up for this there was a customer who has been around Tofo for a few weeks he wanted to dive in his birthday suit. I have to admit I was actually tempted but I didn’t as marine life is already very fragile and really doesn’t want to see me naked. The boys slipped off their shorts off on the boat as we were kitting up and after pre dive check. It really was a funny dive to “Sherwood Forest” with the two of them holding there bits. I was tasked with taking pic’s, I didn’t take any close up just wide shots. Nothing big (as in sea life) was spotted, it was a pleasant gentle dive to one of my fave sites. I woke up this morning with a slight sore throat and it’s played on me all day, after the drop on the dive my ears felt a little strange but it soon corrected itself. But the rest of the day I didn’t feel my usual jolly (haha) self. It is Jari’s (one of the bosses) bday I made him a very quick and rough card which everyone at the shop signed (I pp it from people away). Later we had cake made by Jenny, after a “Surprise” moment and a rendition of Happy birthday in English and Portuguese (I think we should have had it in Finnish) we ate yummy cake. I managed to get the afternoon off, went home and slept then painted the Jesse cartoon for tomorrow morning.

 Pee Pee keeping me company on my day off.

Friday 20^th, my day off, woke up at 4.30am and made my way to the beach with cardboard Jesse under my arm. I already knew the spot I wanted so it was a quick set up once arrived. There was a little wind so I had to improvise with wire stuck in the sand and the back of Jesse’s head to hold him up. I started to take pictures getting what I think are good shots. The sun came up exactly on cue it’s a wonderful thing to witness, it’s a pity there were as many clouds as I didn’t quite get the shadows I hoped for. Miki my Tofo husband is back after a break of a few months it’s so great to see him, he walked across the beach and gave me a huge hug, so excited to dive with him again. Walking back with a slightly wet cardboard Jesse under my arm must have looked strange to the early morning Tofo people I passed. Spent the rest of the day choosing the Jesse pictures I want to use, catching up on sleep and skyping with family. Saw Nadia very briefly she’s been away a month, hope her house is ok after I was living there.

End of yet another week time seems to be flying by quicker and quicker. Only 3 weeks left of this adventure, I am heartbroken to have to leave this beautiful place; I will be leaving all my dive gear at Liquid so I have to come back. Unless I win the Lotto I will be back in July or August.

Misfits Mid Life Crisis Adventures in ………….. Mozambique and Nelspruit South Africa.

Week 34, Saturday 7th until Friday 13^th February 2015.

This week I have mainly been listening to….. Random 70s and 80s music in the Bundu café, Goldfrapp, SIA, Radiohead, Kate Bush, Blur, Velvet Underground, Arcade Fire, Sophie B Hawkins and Smiths.

And have been watching…. About Time, The World’s End, Big Hero 6 (at Cinema in Nelspruit), Taken 3 (at Cinema in Nelspruit), Weeds (Season 2, eps 12) & (Season 3, eps 1 to 3),

Still reading on Kindle…… “A Game of Thrones, A Song of Ice and Fire” book 1 by George R.R. Martin.

Saturday 7^th, I spent the night at Gys place in the private section of Bundu, we shared a bed two lesbians together, lol. I was a little hung over from the night before in the morning so he dropped me at my nice and cool apartment due to the air con on full. Id left my computer in Deon wife car so couldn’t do any writing or surfing this meant I dozed and watch terrible TV. At 3pm I was out and about as Gys and Kim picked me up to go to a braai at Gys brother’s house. The house is hidden amongst Macadamia nut farms (yes I didn’t realise they grew on trees) and behind an electric fence. This house is huge, the kind of place that you would see on a Channel 4 Kevin McCloud programme. Once through the thick heavy wooden door you’re straight in to a huge vaulted ceiling open plan room kitchen/living room. One complete wall consisted of glass doors which were opened fully leading to a large landing, deck, porch. This area was nearly as big as the actual living room. Everything about this house was big,, including the shower that could fit en entire family in one sitting. The porch, deck over looked a pond (with fish), as it got dark we were serenaded by a chorus of frogs (yes I did hum the Frog Chorus), there must have been thousands of them the noise was extremely loud. I sat in a position so I could watch another amazing lightning storm. Everyone spoke Afrikaans but they kindly spoke English and explained things to me. Gys brother has 2 lovely dogs Thor who is a huge Great Dane and Nina a small collie (a little and large combo when together). The braai was a spit roast of Hog, a sow. A lovely evening in a lovely house.

 Gys my new best Lesbian friend, lol…

Sunday 8^th, Gys and I had a complimentary breakfast at Bundu (Thanks Kim), yes our plates were full and we did enjoy seconds. Gys has lived here for over a year I can see why. In the private section they have Zebra and Antelope and other large animals running around, he mentioned that there has been occasions when one of these large animals has popped their heads through his living room window, that would deffo be a Kodak moment. Kim let me use a Bundu computer (as I didn’t have mine) but all it wanted was install updates, so for an hour and a half I wrote an adult story in my notebook until it was ready to do what I wanted. In the afternoon we went to Deon’s house, his wife was out of hospital which was great to see. Peanut one of their two Jack Russell would run and catch a tennis ball again and again and again and again and again….. such a sweet puppy. Another Braai cooked right in front of me, this time Lamb, I could really get used to a Braai. The plan has changed were not leaving for Mozziebeak until Tuesday morning, so I have booked a couple of extra nights at Bundu, I have been paying 350Rand which is about £19.90. I got my computer back this evening; I will now be able to get pictures of the animals around Bundu.

 A families morning stroll.

Monday 9^th, Got up early and had breakfast which I paid for. Once my tummy was full, I spent the next couple of hours walking about in the heat with my laptop taking pictures of the animals running wild at Bundu. Guinea Pigs were in a pen but everything else were running wild and free including Sheep, Rabbits, Duck and Geese. I felt sad for one goose that has a damaged beak, it didn’t appear stop him/her from feeding and carrying on, I did wonder if it had had an accident with a vehicles as they are running about freely. Took me a while to find what I really wanted the Zebra’s. They were quite happy for you to get near(ish), one actually came up to me and nibbled my hand bit I didn’t have any food for it. Really special to be able to be close to such beautiful creatures. Highlight I trod in Zebra poo (I was wearing flip flops) and only just missed getting hit by Peacock poo. The Peacock was up in a tree, I took a couple of steps back while looking up, a few moments later it rained Peacock poo, close call. Went to the cinema and saw Big Hero 6 and Taken 3. Big Hero a children’s animation was enjoyable (though the trailer did make it look a lot funnier). Taken 3 really didn’t need to be made and the final scene was terrible, I think that they should now put the Taken franchise out of our misery. The woman behind the counter at the cinema really must have thought I was a little sad spending the afternoon watching films. I had a 30 minute gap between the two, I managed to find a plug socket as my phone needed a charge; I was worried because I needed to call a cab back to Bundu.. The two drivers, one taking me to the cinema and the one back both remembered me from early December. The second one actually remembered the address he took me too.

 Idah from housekeeping at Bundu, a lovely lady who has worked there 9 years.  Bet she hasn’t walked in to a room with the air con on full before….

Tuesday10th, Up early had an Ostrich outside my room (how many people can say that). I said my goodbyes to Kim and Gys in time for Deon who picked me up about 8am. Stopped at Postnet, which is funny as I got a couple of cards yesterday and want them sent to the UK, I’d given to Gys to post, I could have done it if I’d known we were stopping there first. It was a scorching day even with the air con on in the car you could feel your skin prickling from the sun’s rays. Made it to the boarder in 2 hours, got stamped out of SA and in to MZ quickly. We then travelled another 2 hours to Maputo. Once Deon had done what he needed to do we were on our way again. We carried on only making a couple of short pit stops, arriving in Tofo at 7.30pm. Unloaded all the stuff for Liquid and Jenny at the dive shop then Deon dropped me at home; he had another 70km to go. During the trip home my phone ran out of charge, as soon as I got home tried to recharge but nothing. It was only later I discovered that the plug socket is faulty, must tell the landlady so it can be fixed before Nadia returns. Glad to be home, had a great time in South Africa but little old Tofo is home.

 Please can I have one…….

Wednesday 11^th. back at the dive shop great to see everyone. Got in the water straight away went on a double tank to “Giants Castle” and “Mikes Cupboard”. I lead these dives, the first one deep and the second shallow. During our ascent at “Giants” we had a single Devil Ray circle us quite close. Highlight at “Mikes” were 2 Octopus quite near each other. I noticed all over the dive site a lot of dead Lobsters littered around ”Mikes” I suspect that the Octos have been having a party (it could of course be Turtle’s as well having a feast, but didn’t see any of them). Great to be in the water after a few days break, I was a little over weighted as I had extra weights because we had a new customer, and you never know if they might need more weight, he didn’t. Saw Zak very briefly, but didn’t realise that Zelda and him were leaving, when we got back from the dive they had gone. I had been left a goody bag of pasta, tinned stuff and a hat for running. I lost my running hat recently on Ocean Safari, and have said a number of times I need a new one (Now I have to start running again). Hope they have happy travels and a great future together, nice people.   During the evening we had a whopper of a Thunder storm, will it relieve some of the humidity…

 I didn’t get too close as they spit I was told.

Thursday 12^th, No is the answer to the above, it’s been another very hot sweaty day. Went south today on another double tank to “Chamber of Secrets” and “Marble Arch”. The sky was cloudy with the sun peeking out now and then when it could. Dive one to “Chamber of Secrets” was lovely, it’s a site I have only done a couple of times. We were lucky the viz was good a great 61 minute dive, a huge amount of life at 18 metres. A number of Blue Spotted Rays were seen sailing over the rippling sand. A Shovel Nose Ray swam around near us just above the sandy surface, then in a blink of an eye it buried itself leaving just its gill slits opening and closing as it breathed. Satu and I fell in love with a group of very tiny clownfish. I was starting to feel a little sea sick by the time we kitted up at the end of the surface interval (between the dives) so was glad to get in the water. The second dive to Marble Arch” is always a fave of mine. Good viz again plenty of life including a buried Marble Electric Ray, you could see the distinctive shape of the ray buried under the sand. Again the only give a way was the gentle opening and closing of its gills as it breathed. Not a lot happening this afternoon so I was allowed to go home early. By the time I walked through the gate to be welcomed by Alan Minter and co I was a dripping humid sweaty mess I was so glad to jump in to the shower straight away. It started to rain as I waited for SAZ to skype, the humidity is terrible.

 Follow the finger, that’s the Peacock that tried to poo on me.

Friday 13^th, It was only while on the boat this morning did I realise that it was the 13^th and a Friday. Apart from not having any water at the house, it’s been a great Friday 13^th. Went on a total of 4 dives made up off 2 double tanks. This morning I lead dives to “Manta Reef” and “Praia da Rocha” both had great viz of 15 plus metres. At “Manta” we had a White Tip reef shark swimming near us with that unmistakeable shark shape and a HUGE friendly Potato Grouper. At “Praia da Rocha” lots of small reef life, small is just as good and as much fun as big. This afternoon I tagged along with Chris, I swept for him on dives to “Clownfish” and “Salon”. The viz at “Clownfish” was as good as this morning 15 metres plus. But a few hundred metres away at the second site “Salon” the viz was terrible, it reminded me of a washing machine. We also had crazy temps ranging from 28c to 23c, such a difference to the rest of today. We had two divers I called the skyDiving Jesus twins, there not twins but they are skydivers and scuba divers, with beards and long flowing hair all the way down there backs. I did mention the Scuba Jesus thing to them, they liked the idea hope I get a cut of any money they make….lol. Oh I have water at the house I spoke to the land lady and she showed me the pump, she also told me the names of her dogs. However I think “Alan Minter”, “Mumble”, “Wiggly woo”, and “Ringo” (coz I don’t see that one often) are better names. Friday the 13^th has been a great day….

 Its been a great week.

End of another week, the real highlight was the Zebra, a moment I will never forget. This was also a week in which I met a number of new lovely people who I really want to keep in touch with. I only have 4 weeks left of this adventure, but I am already planning my third visit to Mozziebeak starting in July/August. I really am going to make these last few weeks count.

Misfits Mid Life Crisis Adventures in ………….. Mozambique and Nelspurit South Africa.

Week 33, Saturday 31^st January to Friday 6th February 2015.

This week I have mainly been listening to….. Tegan and Sarah(Everything is Awesome), XX, Lana Del Ray, Jake Bugg, Morrissey.

And have been watching…. Weeds (Season 1, eps 1 to 10) (Season 2, eps 1 to 11), Top Gear, (Season 22, ep2)

Still reading on Kindle…… “A Game of Thrones, A Song of Ice and Fire” book 1 by George R.R. Martin.

Saturday 31^st, Woke up convinced that it was Monday, what is going on in my head. The really scary dog that reminds me of a 70s/80s British cauliflower eared boxer Alan Minter really barked at me this morning I just keep walking and didn’t look him in the eye. I then found that my phone was not in my pocket, I couldn’t face going back and facing Alan Minter again so soon. Glad I didn’t go back coz when at work what did I find in my bag, my damn phone. First thing at the shop I saw a faint rainbow over the old lagoon behind the shop; it rained on and off all morning, seeing a rainbow was a beautiful way to start a day. The dive this morning got scrubbed at the last minute; I had set up the gear and was drawing the dive site map when I got the call. Spent the rest of the morning reading, it was one of those really quiet day. Two people today commented on a ring I have, it’s a cheap M&S ring no one has ever said anything about it before, how strange. Copied some shows on to my box from Kev the new DMT, had plenty of films and TV shows but now have even more. Ended the work day in the pool with the boss’s kids and their friend and a surf board, not as easy as it sounds.

 Faint rainbow behind Liquid.

Sunday 1^st February, today felt like “ground hog day”, opened the dive centre and set up for the dive to “Mikes Cupboard” (the aborted dive from yesterday). Time went by and the customer didn’t show I tried to contact them but nothing. By 9 I decided to de-rigged everything. At 10 the customer rings they had overslept and will be straight round. They really were round straight away (they got a lift), I rushed to set everything up again. The dive at “Mikes” had lovely clear viz (until the end of the dive when the viz got reduced slightly). There were a number of Bluebottles (which are not true jelly fish), I think most of us got a sting here and there, it’s a little like a bee sting. Highlight of the dive was an Octo, great colour changing and a little bit of free swimming. Tomorrow is my day off so I wanted to get some supplies as I planned not too go out but didn’t have any money. After rushing home in a little drizzle i faced Alan Minter, I grabbed cash and rushed straight back to the market. The plastic bags you get given are so thin so I carried everything in my arms by the time I was home my hands were numb and back hurt. I passed the police station and got called over by one of the officers I have spoken to before, I said I was going to a party hence all the beer, Sprite and juice in my arms. He saying he wanted to come when off duty. I managed to get out of that situ in a hurry and rushed off. Skyped with SAZ and family in chilly Surrey.

 Alan Minter.

Monday 2^nd, my day off. I slept in until 10am what a lazy cow, but I really enjoyed it. Because I stocked up last night I knew I didn’t have to go out at all today. Standing on the balcony I could feel it was another scorching day. Watched lots of Weeds (TV Show) and had another nap in the afternoon. I have to do another visa run end of the week so have started to arrange it, I have a possible lift with someone there and back which would be great, I really don’t want to have to do the Fatty’s bus again if at all poss. I am home in 5 weeks and I will have to get work I really don’t want to be in an office (done that) or in a shop (been there) I need to look in to other things. I do have a few ideas such as signing up with a TV and film background agency, become a still life model in an art collage and I still really want to have a go at stand-up comedy. I nearly did it a couple of years ago but chickened out, now I have nothing to lose. Don’t worry prostitution is not one of the ideas, I’d have to pay the clients which is not the idea. Skyped with Mum and Hel told them of my plans they seem to think there good.

 I get bored on my own sometimes 🙂

Tuesday 3^rd, My visa run trip is all sorted for the end of the week, I have a lift there and back with Deon (who at this time I have never met). The plan is to spend a couple of days in South Africa back in Nelspruit this means I can go to the cinema again like my previous trip. Today I lead a diver round our shallow site “Clownfish” the client really looked like Ewan McGregor, his name in fact was Ewan Mcsomething I really had to do a double take. Yes I did mentioned this (its not the first time he has been told this he said). I said that he could make his millions from being Jobergs premier Ewan McGregor look-a-like, think he liked the idea. This dive was my 150^th in Tofo since June 2014, will would love to get to 200 by the time I leave I doubt I will manage it.

 It tastes better than it looks.

Wednesday 4^th, I started to set up most of the gear for a dive ( a huge one with 8 people), once the other guys arrived they helped. Then the skipper Pedro pointed out that the dive is tomorrow morning…. Oops, everything had to be packed away again. As I have said before the days of the week mingle and you (I) lose track. We tried to launch in the afternoon but the waves were so big probably something to do with the full moon that we had to scrub it. I lost another pair of sunglasses during the aborted attempt. It was decided that we could do the skills that Satu was going to do in the pool, I assisted Satu. My trip to South Africa has been brought forward a little so I am leaving tomorrow afternoon not early Friday morning. This evening there was a snorkel test; Zak became Liquid’s newest DM. Everyone met at Mozambeats for the normal drunken activities. As has become custom I drew the dive site that he had to brief us on, I think “Zelda Reef” went down well (I didn’t have time to get the OK from Zelda, Zak’s girlfriend, she seemed to take it well). All went well Zak got very drunk and we all laughed lots. I had a few drinks and remember being walked home by a Megafauna guy I don’t know, I don’t remember going to bed or facing Alan Minter.

Thursday 5^th , My head did hurt this morning, but I helped set up the dive a double tank. The viz at “Manta Reef” was so clear I could easily see the surface from the reef. After dropping the other divers on the surface got swept away. This meant resurfacing and everyone re-dropping, nothing big seen apart from other groups of divers. After a surface interval we went to “Praia da Rocha” only been there once before we navigated around and through huge chunks of rock with amazingly colourful reef on it. Being in the water with a hangover is not as bad as you would think. Once back at the shop I was whisked straight off to Inhambane (Thanks Cindy) to meet Deon. A really nice guy we chatted about everything life the universe and everything, only made a couple of short stops otherwise we continued on our journey. We bypassed Maputo driving down a very bumpy dirt road for a couple of hours (this was the kind of road that Top Gear would have driven on). Apart from a few people I saw 4 Owls and lots of cows. As it started to get dark I noticed lighting, as time went on the lightening got bigger and bigger and brighter the whole sky being lit us at times. Both Deon and I were going “wow”, “oh look at that”. The ribbons of hot white lighting that flashed across the sky was the most spectacular storm I have ever seen. I also noticed that the moon was full and blood red in colour just amazing. We came across a broken down truck in this storm that we towed to help jump star. We noticed a man in on the ground in the rain at first we thought he’s been hit but it turned out he was drunk (he was lifted out of the puddle by 2 woman). We were through the boarder really quickly and made Nelspruit in good time. I met Deon’s wife who said she wasn’t feeling well, within 10 minutes an ambulance was called (its not for me to say what’s wrong, but she wasn’t well). I was left in the house and was told that there 6 year old daughter Megan (who of course I have never met) was fast asleep. I was told if she woke up to tell her mummy and daddy will be back soon. I was terrified of what her reaction would be, seeing a total stranger in the middle of the night in an empty house. I really hoped she wouldn’t wake up. She did, there standing next to me was this little girl, I quickly said before she could open her mouth “Mummy and Daddy were out and will be back soon”. I got her a glass of water and helped put her back to bed. Phew that was much easier than I expected.

 Lovely Kim a duty manager at Bundu Lodge

Friday 6^th, I woke up in the middle of the night and Megan had gone from her bed, I was scared that she was looking for mummy and daddy. I looked around the house and found her with Daddy fast asleep (he had returned from the hospital). In the morning I met Deon’s friend Gys (pronounced Heys) a very funny man always telling jokes and laughing, I decided that he was my new lesbian friend (as he loves woman as much as me J). He is living in a private section of a lodge near Nelspruit, so I booked in the public side my room 98 got for 350 Rand a night (that’s £19.90) it’s a small room but that’s all I need, there’s a TV with a handful of channels and air con. Yep I have the air con ramped up to chilly. The lodge has wild animals including Zebra’s wondering around freely it looks amazing. All day Gys ferried me around collecting stuff for Liquid and Jenny from Postnet and shops, a couple of the places I have been to before. All the time Gys cracking jokes. We met up with Deon and found out that his wife is ok and was still in Hospital at that time but was expected to be realised very soon. Megan came running up to me and gave me a cuddle what a sweet girl. It was during all this fun and frolics that I left my computer in the boot of the car (so it was very safe) but the car was Deon’s wife’s and not Gys so this meant that I didn’t have access to it and couldn’t post So-Called Blog this as normal on Friday night. Spent the night in the bar with Heys and one of the managers at Bundu Kim, once she was off duty she could join us for a drink. For the second night in a row I saw someone get hurt, a woman in the bar fainted she was fine but for a moment I was really worried.

The end of week 33, I ended it in a different country, witnessed an amazing electrical storm, met lovely new people and saw wild Zebra’s, really having a great time. Due to this being posted late it’s been edited in a hurry soz if there are more mistakes than normal.