Misfits Mid-Life Crisis……..

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in East London (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 121 Saturday 8^th October until Friday 14^th October 2016.

I will never be rich, it would be nice to not have to worry about how and when the bills are going to be paid.  Even when working I couldn’t spend like it was water.  Since the end of August I have been signing getting a few quid every couple of weeks, which I add to the money I had saved from my pay packet, buts it’s not going to last long.

  It was all too much for one actor, the very posh jazz club i spent a night in.

I could have easily got a job doing the kind of work that I have recently been involved with, but I felt that my mental health was more important.  It was an easy decision not to go back into an office environment.  I was fed up of being talked down to, being made to feel foolish and small by the public and management.  I’m one of the world’s saddo who wants the world to unrealistically love each other; this does mean however that I get walked all over.

  Light reading between takes, at 3am it was getting chilly.

This last month I have been volunteering as an extra in film and TV, I use the word volunteer because I don’t get any money.  The days are long and usually involve a lot of time doing nothing, while the really important production people rush around doing things that matter.  I normally get sent a brief that tells me what to wear which takes into consideration things like when the scene is set.  It is then up to me to find an outfit and alternatives, the extra clothes are in case the wardrobe department are not keen on my main choice.

 My view from a small stage, where i was feeding lines to the lead actor.  Look carefully you’ll see a mic was in front of me, and the camera and crew in the background.

I really enjoy watching the whole production process, which can look to others like a lot of people holding clip boards, wearing puffer jackets and listening to headphone while mumbling into microphone clipped to their puffer jackets.  Everyone is kept in their place by the director and/or the first assistant director who shouts over the general hubbub to keep conversation to a minimum while the next shot is lined up.  There is usually panic towards the end of the day when the whole production realise that they have to get so many shots completed before wrapping.

 Going home from a night shoot as everyone was just waking up.

It’s all very well that I am learning and enjoying myself, but I need to make some money.  I have been applying for every casting i’m applicable for and maybe one or two I’m probably not suitable for.  Every now and then I find the background artist Holy Grail, a paid gig.  I hope that the productions I have been involved with will lead to something paid.  In the mean time I might have to go back into an office sitting on my arse for 8hrs, day 5 days a week.  That kind of job would be more bearable I feel if I knew that every now and then I will be enveloped in a totally creative atmosphere.

And now for something completely different.

  There not trying to keep the carriage warm, its covered up to pretend its in a tunnel.

Spent a couple of days sitting on a Victoria line tube train, don’t worry the delays are not that bad. This was an old carriage preserved at a museum; I was taking part in a short film.  I love a train, especially a tube train so I really did enjoy looking around this old work horse of London Underground.  I wanted to pull the passenger alarm, but thought against it just in case it did make a noise interrupting filming.  Met a number of people that I have worked with a couple of times over the last few weeks, so nice to see happy smiles all day long not something you normally see on a tube train.

  My outfit, and a lot of waiting around until its time for action.

Rushing there on the first day after contending with another train strike, plus normal London delays meant that I hurried to the location in E17 while looking at my map on my phone.  Yes I was one of those annoying people walking around while staring at a small illuminated device and not really taking any notice of other people or traffic.

  Sanya the wardrobe mistress.  The museum cat, who was getting an overdose of loving from cast and crew. 

It really was strange going home on the tube after spending two days sat in one pretending it was moving.  The director indicated which way they wanted you to move/jolt in order to simulate that the train moving.  To give the effect more realism the background was moved, this messed with my brain because you really felt that the train was moving through a tunnel.  Even though you knew you were stationary in East London.

 So yummy…

In other news…..  

 Random tattoo of the week. Spotted on a real tube train.

A lovely young guy on set said he liked my pad.  My pad of note paper and pen I carry around to make notes for this very blog.  I’m just so retro, am I cool finally. 

The Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:  “Artsnight: Michael Palin Meets Jan Morris”.  “Cleverman”, (Season 1, ep 6).  “Damned”, (Season 1, ep 3).  “Josh”, (Season 2, ep 4).  “Have I Got News For You”, (Season 52 ep 1 & 2).  “Red Dwarf”, (Season XI, ep 5).  “The Apprentice”, (Season 12, ep 1 & 2).  “The Apprentice, Honest Subtitles”.   “The Apprentice, Your Fired”, (Season 11, ep 1 & 2).  ”.  “The Graham Norton Show”, (Season 20, ep 2 & 3).  “The Great British Bake Off”, (Season 7, ep 8).  “The Great British Bake Off: An Extra Slice”, (Season 3, ep 8).  “The Last Leg”, (Season 9, ep 1 & 2).  “Travelman, 48hrs In…”, (Season 1, ep 1 & Season 3, ep 3).             

This week I have mainly been listening to:  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Highlights)”, (07/10, 10/10, 11/10, 12/10, 13/10/16).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Live)”, (10/10, 11/10, 13/10/16).  “LBC Podcast: Mystery Hour”, (13/10/16).  ”LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (08/10, 09/10, 10/10, 11/10, 12/10, 13/10, 14/10/16).  ”The Barry From Watford Podcast”, (22/07/11)(04/08, 05/08, 12/08/11)(06/09, 07/09, 13/09/11).  “Toby Hadoke’s Who’s Round”,(ep 56, ep 57, ep 58, 04/14)(ep 188, 09/16). “Morrissey”, “Strawberry Switchblade”, “Dexy’s Midnight Runners”, “Prefab Sprout”, “Squeeze”, The Blow Monkeys”, “The Communards” .  

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in East London (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 120 Saturday 1^stOctober until Friday 7^thOctober 2016.

It takes the earth 365.25 days to orbit the sun, the source of all our power.  This is the time of the year when I morn the fact that I have travelled through space 584,336,233 miles over the last 12 months.  I love the fact that we are all space traveller’s living on a ball of rock floating through space 1,599,825 miles every day.

  I love the CAKE and pretty Shark earrings.

I’m not big with b’days I keep it quiet and try to forget about it.  I really don’t see why people celebrate another orbit round our star, and another year nearer death.  There are plans that in a couple of years’ time MOZ and RAC and myself will go to the US to celebrate our special days by visiting New York and especially California to do the Sideways tour (your homework this week is to watch the film “Sideways”, I want a full review on my desk Monday morning).

  Adult drinks at the O2, excited about a soon to be relised film.

Looking back I realise that I have done a lot in the last 8760 hours, but not really achieved much.  In October 2015 I was living in Mozambique diving in the Indian Ocean looking for Octopus in nooks and crannies, oh and big things like Mantas and Whalesharks.  I lived in a hut 90 seconds from the beach; my daily commute was along the beach populated by lots of scurrying crabs.  Even my uncomfortable monthly visits to the MOZ/South Africa border ended up as fun because I would spend a day sitting in the cinema in Nelspruit watching as many films I as possible. Living in Africa was so relaxing I felt I had very little to worry about.

  Going, gone..

I have been back in blighty since March, living with friends in East London.  I managed to get a job back in the office I worked in last year; this meant my commute involved various tubes and trains which were never comfortable.  As grey London passed by I would look dreamily out for the window and imagine the Indian Ocean with dolphins jumping and playing outside. During the hour I made my way to the office, I had in fact travelled 66,559 miles on spaceship planet Earth.  Working in an aircon(less) office, the stress of doing the amount of work required every hour and the ever increasing demands of management really got to me.  When an opportunity came to leave I took it, and jumped feet first into the sea of unemployment.  Over the last few weeks I have applied for a number of jobs none of which I have secured.

   It was chilly on the 16th floor in Chelsea.

Being out of work has allowed me to look in to other opportunities things that I have wanted to for years, but never had the chance.  I have become an unpaid (so far) supporting artist in TV/film.  In the last 7 days I have worked on two films one short in which I spent an evening on the 16th floor of a tower block in Chelsea trying to stand as still as possible without blinking.  In contrast I worked on a bigger budget film in glamorous Dagenham, in one scene spending over an hour holding a sandwich and a drink but never eating or drinking the props, just pretending.  I have applied for loads more roles/jobs which hopefully might lead to something that’s paid, I still have bills to pay.

    On set in Dagenham, a great looking dolly, brekkie and call sheet, the wardrobe dept.

Over the next 365.25 days there are a number of things that I need to knuckle down and complete, such as a sort out my storage and finally finish my children’s book.  Every second I travel 18.51 miles through space on spaceship Earth.  I really need to make this next year count for something, I want to be able to look back and feel satisfied that I have not wasted any more of this thing called life.  I need to feel that in 584,336,233 miles time I will be able to be happy and satisfied with life.

  My cozzie, the production liked it.  What, no Dr Peppers…

 In other news….. 

On set heard a wardrobe woman speak to a guy and asked him if he had a change of clothes, he replied “I have a hat”.  Saw 2 security guards in a major London shopping centre riding mobility scooters following each other; I really wanted them to race “Top Gear” style. 

 I wonder if you rub two plastic notes together, do you get a tenner.  i might have to try it.

The Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:  “A World Without Down’s Syndrome”.  “Bridget Jones Baby”, (2016).  “Bricks”.  “Britain’s Starmen: Heroes of Astronomy”.  Cleverman”, (Season 1, ep 5).  “Conviction: Murder At The Station”, (ep 1 & 2).  “Damned”, (Season 1, ep 2).  “Gaga For Dada: The Original Art Rebels”.  “Horizon: How Small Is The Universe”, (2012/13, ep 15).  “Josh”, (Season 2, ep 3).  “Louis Theroux: Saville”.  “National Treasure”, (ep 2).  “Red Dwarf”, (Season XI, ep 4).  “Ripper Street”, (Season 4, ep 6 & 7).  “The Chase”, (ep 1000, 29/09/16).  “The Graham Norton Show”, (Season 20, ep 1).  “The Great British Bake Off”, (Season 7, ep 7).  “The Great British Bake Off: An Extra Slice”, (Season 3, ep 7).  “The Sky At Night Special: Goodbye Rosetta”,  “Travelman, 48hrs In…”, (Season 3, ep 2).             

This week I have mainly been listening to:  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Bonus)”, (04, 05/10, 06/10/16).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Highlights)”, (29/09, 30/09)(03/10, 04/10, 05/10, 06/10/16).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Live)”, (03/10, 04/10, 05/10, 06/10/16).  “LBC Podcast: Mystery Hour”, (06/10/16).  “LBC Podcast: Mystery Hour: A Charity Special”,(07/10/16).  ”LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (30/09, 01/10, 07/10/16).  ”The Barry From Watford Podcast”, (05/07, 06/07, 08/07, 19/07, 20/07, 22/07/11)(04/08, 05/08, 12/08/11).  “Toby Hadoke’s Who’s Round”,(ep 43, 44, 45. 02/14)(ep46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52. 03/14)(ep 53, 54, 55. 04/14). “Morrissey”, “Smiths”, “The Beatles”,  “Two Door Cinema Club”, “Alanis Morrissette”, “Gorillaz”, “Tatu”, “M.I.A”, “The Pixies”, ”Black Box Recorder” .  

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in East and Central London & Beaconsfield Bucks (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 119 Saturday 24^th September until Friday 30^th September 2016.

I’ve been on many film/TV sets over the year, I know how they feel, look and what you can and can’t do.  When I worked at the BBC I spent more time in the observation rooms watching through the large windows trying to see what was going on past the rows and rows of lights hanging over the studio floor than actually working in an office.

  High tea with SAZ and Anaia.

I have wanted to have a go at acting for a long time but I never thought I would actually get the chance.  This new chapter of my Mid-Life crisis has allowed me to branch out and experiment.  I am having a go at the biz they call show, in recent weeks I have been to an audition and got a part in a film shooting early next years.  And this week I had my first opportunity of be a supporting artist in a TV show.

  Took less that half an hour to travel from Marylebone.

The location was a nightclub about 20 minutes north of London, the scenes were supposed to be at night but where filmed in the afternoon.  I was showed my place and introduced to my pretend date Robin.  During the shots we had to mime conversation while drinking fizzy apple juice in place of champagne and nibbling pastries that could have come out of the Bake Off tent.  We had to do this time and time again, as the real actors spoke there lines. Miming a conversation is not as easy as it sounds; I challenge you to have a go for a couple of minutes.

 Robin my pretend date for the afternoon.

Later came dancing to pretend music, a track was played for a couple of minutes so that everyone knew the rhythm.  Then music was removed and we continued dancing to nothing while looking like we were having a great evening.  You soon lose any embarrassment you might have about such an unusual situation like this; in fact it became normal.  Film and TV sets are strange places, there is a lot of fevered activity while props are set, lights adjusted and make up is brushed and patted on shiny foreheads.  The director who is the boss of this platoon will suddenly shout out above everyone’s heads what their vision is.  When they open there mouth everything stops the room becomes silent, a director pretty much gets what they ask for.  During the take you try your best to do what you have been told, no one wants to be responsible for everyone having to stop and start again.  Being a supporting artist is a little like wallpaper, the job is to be in the background but not be noticed.  I may not even be seen in the finished product, I’ll know that I was there.

  Pizza, pizza everywhere.  Careful don’t spill it down a white top……oops.

It is said that an army marches on its stomach, and a film crew is definitely an army.  This particular brigade were fed huge amounts of pizza and butternut squash chips.  I wasn’t wearing a costume given to me, I had taken clothes which the director liked, a white top and fake leather skirt.  Being a fan of TV and film I know the importance of continuity, so smearing pizza on a white top is really not a great idea.  Note to self; do not to eat the messiest pizza for lunch when on set in future.  I was able to hide the fresh smudge by holding the strap of my party handbag over it.  Of course if I am caught on screen no one will actually see the mess on my top.

  That’s a wrap, lets toast this with fizzy Apple juice instead of Champagne. 

I had such a great day, met lovely people who were telling me all about the films and TV shows they have and were working on. Who knows maybe I will be able to tell a newbie one day about the productions that I have I taken part in slightly boastful way.  I traveled home with a huge grin on my face (I haven’t felt like that since I took part in the naked DIVA cover shoot years ago).  I did feel special; maybe this is what a star feels like, even if no one else knows about it.

 In other news….. 

 Hired a car again last weekend, took MOZ and Ian to see there lovely Aunty Ann and Uncle Derek.

Mozzies in Essex!!!! They have found me.  At Kings Cross and St Pancreas station I heard an announcement for a cleaner because of a Code 4 & 6, the mind boggles at what this means.  Had a horrible messy Cappuccino in deepest darkest Essex.

   That’s not a Cappuccino, it’s almost mud.

The Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:  “Avatar”, (2009).  “Cleverman”, (Season 1, ep 4).  “Damned”, (Season 1, ep 1). “Josh”, (Season 1, ep 6)(Season 2, ep 1 &2).  “National Treasure”, (ep 1).  “Red Dwarf”, (Season XI, ep 3).  “Ripper Street”, (Season 4, ep 5).   “Storyville: Russia’s Toughest Prison: The Condemned”, (2013/14, ep 29).  “The Great British Bake Off”, (Season 7, ep 6).  “The Great British Bake Off: An Extra Slice”, (Season 3, ep 6).  “Travelman, 48hrs In…”, (Season 3, ep 1).             

This week I have mainly been listening to:  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Bonus)”, (23/09, 26/09, 28/09/16).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Highlights)”, (23/09, 26/09, 27/09, 28/09/16).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Live)”, (26/09, 28/09, 29/09, 30/09/16).  “LBC Podcast: Mystery Hour”, (29/09/18).  “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Mid-Week)”, (28/09/16).  ”LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (24/09/16).  “The Adam Buxton Podcast”, (ep 30, 21/09/16).  “The Angelos And Barry Podcast”, (27/09/16).  ”The Barry From Watford Podcast”, (29/11, 30/11/10) (07/12, 08/12, 10/12, 17/12/10) (06/01 pt 1&2, 10/01,11/01, 13/01, 21/01, 26/01, 28/01/11) (02/02, 07/02, 16/02, 17/02, 21/02, 28/02/11) (01/03 ,02/03, 11/03, 29/03, 30/03/11 pt 1&2) (01/04, 04/04, 11/04, 13/04, 15/04, 19/04, 25/04, 26/04, 27/04, 29/04/11) (11/05, 13/05, 17/05, 18/05, 19/05, 20/05, 25/05/11)(01/06, 07/06, 09/06, 10/06, 14/06, 16/06, 22/06, 23/06, 29/06/11).  “Toby Hadoke’s Who’s Round”,(ep 28, ep 29 08/13)(ep 30, ep 31, ep 32, ep 33, ep 34, 09/13)(ep 35, ep 36, 10/13) (ep 37, ep 38, 11/13) (ep 40, 01/14) (ep 41, ep 42, ep 43, 02/14) (ep 186, ep 187, 08/16). “Morrissey”, “Pink Floyd”, The Dandy Warhols”, “Ash”, “Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds”, “Len”, “K.T Tunstall”, “Tatu”, “Louis Armstrong”.  

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in East and Surrey (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 118 Saturday 17^th September until Friday 23^rd September 2016.

I hated school and I am pretty sure they didn’t like me.  I will never be considered clever; I was usually to be found in the bottom class with the kids that the school tried to forget.  At one school they did forget us once a week when we were shepherded into a van parked in the car park.  While the other children were learned, I drew and painted with the thick kids.

  Amazing street art in Shoreditch East London.

When I think back, I don’t feel there are any stand out moments during my school days.  There is one period that I am really not proud of being part of.  We had a temporary teacher with a surname that sounded like a 1970s telephone ringing.  My class drove him mad with constant impressions of a Trim phones echoing all-around the portakabin.  Yes, we were contained in a portakabin they separated from the clever children so we didn’t infect them with our stupidness.  We broke that poor man, I know this because he ended up in tears in front of us one day.  I admit I do feel guilty about being part of that rabble and wondered many times what happened to him.

  The photo shoot studio, and Bunny the make up artist that made me look presentable.

One teacher I won’t forget is Mr D (I won’t name him) who had an angry reputation.  I witnessed him throwing board rubbers across the classroom targeted at the head of a child that wasn’t listening.  He had a habit of giving kids a damn good beating.  One day it was my turn; this was when I leaned the truth, a secret I have never revealed until now.  I screamed when he hit his own palm, he didn’t really beat knowledge into kids, but the fear worked.

  One of my cheap outfits, All that make up was needed on my face.

My niece has started school; it wasn’t difficult to find just follow the procession of other adults walking with little ones in uniform.  Arriving at the school I had flashbacks of Ecclesbourne Infants School my first taste of education and remember Miss Atkinson my first teacher.  Looking at my nieces school things have not changed much on the surface, there were brightly coloured pictures plastered over the windows and toys scattered around.  I imagined Miss Atkinson standing at the door with a big smile welcoming me in.

 I have 65 pics on here, seeing the agency again next week.

I met Anaia’s teacher who I walked up to and introduced myself as “Anaia’s niece”.  It was at this point I just wanted to find a comfy blanket on the floor that I could sit crossed legged on and be read a story.  I hope she enjoys school, it’s not always going to be fun or easy but if she ever asks me I will tell her that it’s only for a few years.  After this she will be able to do anything she wants, I will always tell her to study hard so she doesn’t end up like her old loser of an aunty.  I didn’t enjoy school, but I hope she does, in fact I want her to be thrilled about education and I will always encourage her.

And now for something completely different… 

 The lush on the left is leading this lovely Granny astray.

MOZ and I took my mum, nephew Jessa and Anaia to Denbies a vineyard in Surrey at the weekend.  I spent a lot of the time wrangling the little ones around, i need to find an authoritative voice as they walk over me, I can’t bribe them with treats forever.  At one point MOZ realised that we didn’t have the pram, we had forgotten it the other side of the farm shop, don’t worry we didn’t lose a child.  Funniest moment was when grandma called Jesse “Jelly”, and then “what’s his name”.  Next time I am there I will sample a bottle or two and possibly the slop bucket.

  Fun at the vineyard.

 In other news….. 

 SAZ and Tim’s one month wedding anniversary.

A security guard in Boots the chemist locked eyes on mine when I realised that he was squeezing a blob of expensive moisturiser in to his hands.  As he walked away rubbing the cream in to his skin I felt for the person who would eventually buy the tube with their hard earned cash and not get a full tube.

  Not going to lie, i really was in love in this pic.

I was sitting on a train and over hear a very loud American say that she thought that a lot of people in Britain burned wood in there houses  I was waiting for her to ask her friends if we still used coal as an alternative, I think she was from the 1970s.

 “Now where are we”….

Went to a photo shoot in a professional studio.  I took far too many clothes a lot of them I ironed the night before.  None of these where worn during the shoot, but if I hadn’t of ironed them then these would have been the ones that the photographer would have picked.

 I might have packed a few to many things for the shoot.

The Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:  “Cleverman”, (Season 1, ep3).  “Jason Bourne”, (12016).  “Josh”, (Season 1, ep 3 to 5).  “One Of Us”, (ep 4).  “People Just Do Nothing”, (Season 3, ep 6).  “Red Dwarf”, (Season XI, ep 2).  “Ripper Street”, (Season 4, ep 4).  “The Great Flying Challenge”, (ep3).  “The Great British Bake Off”, (Season 7, ep5).  “The Great British Bake Off: An Extra Slice”, (Season 3, ep 5).  “The Last Leg: Live From Rio”, (2016, ep 11).  “The Sky At Night”, (ep 762).  “Voyager: To The Final Frontier”.  “Who’s Afraid of Conceptual Art”.           

This week I have mainly been listening to:  “Desert Island Discs: Warwick Davis”, (12/06/16) & Nadiya Hussain”, (14/08/16).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Bonus)”, (19/09, 21/09/16).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Highlights)”, (15/09, 16/09, 20/09, 21/09, 22/09/16).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Live)”, (19/09, 20/09, 21/09/16).  “LBC Podcast: Mystery Hour”, (21/09/16).  “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Mid-Week)”, (21/09/16).  ”LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (16/09, 17/09, 19/09, 23/09/16).  “The Adam Buxton Podcast”, (ep 29, 12/09/16).  “The Barry From Watford Podcast”, (01/07, 05/07, 06/07, 07/07, 08/07, 09/07, 12/07, 28/07, 29/07/10)(11/08 pt 1&2, 26/08, 27/08/16)(08/09, 09/09, 13/09, 15/09)(05/10, 12/10, 13/10, 14/10/16)(08/11, 09/11, 10/11, 11/11, 16/11, 17/11, 23/11/16).  “Toby Hadoke’s Who’s Round”,(07/13 ep 24 to ep 26)(08/13 ep27). “Morrissey”, “Lisa Lobe”, “Natalie Imbrugglia”, “Scroobius Pip”, Imani Coppola”, “The Presidents Of The United States Of America”, “MIA”, “Santiold”, “The Spice Girls”.  

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in East and Central London (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 117 Saturday 10^th September until Friday 16^th September 2016.

What a week of celebrity spotting and show biz it’s been.  Tuesday the hottest September day in 50 years I travelled on sweaty trains and tubes into London with Ian.  We were there to attend the recording of a TV show.  Due to being early we had a couple of sherbets locally while watching the world go.  This was when I noticed a man walking to the bar that I recognised.

 Chabuddy G, a hero.

Asim Chaudhry who plays my fave character “Chabuddy G” in BBC3’s “People Just Do Nothing” was such a lovely and polite man who didn’t mind me stopping him while he held a couple of drinks.  This really made my day in fact my month.  Not long later I noticed actress Anna Chancellor from “Four Weddings” wondering around, after my success with Chabuds I didn’t want to push it with Duckface.

  The hottest September day in 50 years.

As I mentioned earlier we were in London to watch the recording of a TV quiz, an episode of Celebrity Chase.  The tickets were free; we didn’t have anything else to do so why not.  Unfortunately we missed our recording partly due to the number of pints consumed and because of the number of tickets they issued; they allocate more than the studio can actually hold.  We were asked to come back later which we did after a couple more drinks and some food to sober up.  The worst part of being an audience member is the queuing beforehand this is normally outside.  Most of the audience seemed to consist of pensioners or young people who I would imagine are either students bunking off or unemployed like me.  There was a moment when I could smell weed, I scanned the queue hoping to see a pensioner passing a joint around.

 Studio 1, The London Studios.

The celebs for this recording were an ex footballer I’d never heard of, a singer with a nice voice who had hits years ago, a broadcaster who is an ex tennis player and Des O Connors ex TV wife.  The recording took a couple of hours during which time my bum was numb and my knees ached.  But none of this mattered as I had a great evening watching the cameras and other bits of equipment being used on the studio floor.  We waddled home a little drunk but very happy.

  I still think of this building as the LWT stuidos.

I mentioned that this has been a showbiz week.  I have for many years wanted to have a go at being a film/TV extra, try acting and/or stand up.  The time seems to be right so I am giving it a go.  At the end of October I’m taking part in a show in which I am doing 10 mins of stand up, I won’t be telling jokes I’ll just take the piss out of myself.  Of course I am nervous but I think this is what I need to do, get it out of my system.

  It was a tough Tuesday, i bared up as best as i could.

This week I had my first audition.  I was so excited when I made my way in to London on another hot sweaty day squashed in a corner of the tube, that when I arrived I was told that I was 24hrs early.  I returned the next day on time, the audition was as I expected I improvised with a couple of others actors when given a scenario.  I have also been to see a casting agent who appears to be interested. They are looking for all shapes and sizes and with me there getting the best of both categories.

  Nice meeting this week.

This was told to me but is celebrity related.  The great Warwick Davis star of Star Wars and Harry Potter films riding a Segboard (Balance board) outside the studio he is currently filming at.  My friend who was in a Car passing, pointed him out to a colleague who turned to her and said “where”.
 Visited this building twice this week, that’s twice too many.

In other news…..

  Art in St P’s.

A job website this week told me I was an idea candidate for a job requiring a bilingual Portuguese speaker, I barely speak English.  After sniffing a new perfume I put the bottle back on the display, turned around and heard a smash.  The bottle had fallen in to a thousand pieces after it came unstuck from the Blu Tac that was holding it in place.  This wasn’t my fault.  Saw a man on the tube late at night carrying a massive slice of watermelon.

  And you thought MOZ had been forgotten this week…. wrong.

The Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:  “Cleverman”, (Season 1, ep2).  “Horizon: Jimmy Carr and the Science of Laughter”, (2015/16, ep 15).  “James May The Reassembler”, (Season 1, ep 1 to 3).  “Josh”, (Season 1, ep 1 & 2).  “Lost Sitcoms 4: Steptoe And Son” (2016).  “Obesity The Post Mortem”.  “One Of Us”, (ep 3).  “People Just Do Nothing”, (Season 3, ep 5).  “Red Dwarf”, (Season XI, ep 1).  “Ripper Street”, (Season 4, ep 4).    “The Celebrity Chase”, (Recorded 13/09/16).  “The Great Flying Challenge”, (ep2).  “The Great British Bake Off”, (Season 7, ep4).  “The Great British Bake Off: An Extra Slice”, (Season 3, ep 4).  “The Last Leg: Live From Rio”, (2016, ep 4 to 10).  “The Out-Laws”, (Season 1, eps 9).  “Would I Lie To You”, (Season 10, ep 2).        

This week I have mainly been listening to:  “Desert Island Discs: Kenneth Williams”, (26/07/87).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Bonus)”, (12/09/16).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Highlights)”, (12/09, 13/09 & 14/09/16).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Live)”, (12/09, 13/09, 15/09/16).  “LBC Podcast: Mystery Hour”, (15/09/16).  “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Mid-Week)”, (14/09/16).  ”LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (09/09, 10/09 & 16/09/16).  “The Adam Buxton Podcast”, (ep 27,11/08/16 7 ep 28, 01/09/16).  “The Angelos & Barry Show”,(30/09, 23/09, 19/09/14).  “The Richard Herring Leicester Square Theatre Podcast”, (ep 101,15/06/16).  “Toby Hadoke’s Who’s Round”, (ep 15, 04/2013)(ep 16 to 20, 05/2013)(ep 21 to 23, 07/2013)(ep 184 & 185, 08/2016). “Strange Times”, (ep 191, 30/08/16).  “Morrissey”, “Artic Monkeys”, “Cranberries”, “Garbage”, “Blossom”, “Rondoveneziano”.”Kings of Leon”, “Christine and the Queen”.  

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in East & Central London, Elstree Hertfordshire (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 116 Saturday 3^rd September until Friday 9^th September 2016.

  I see the Mon Lisa.

The new chapter of the Mid Life Crisis has started and what can I report so far about how it’s going.  I am really finding it very tough to get up in the morning, for more years than I want to remember I have been getting up about 6am, now I don’t need to.  But I really don’t think it’s healthy to allow half the day to pass before surfacing from my pit to have a scratch and possibly remember to brush my teeth.  One good thing is I haven’t resorted to sitting in front of the box watching daytime drivel, such as magazine programmes which have Z list celebs pouring their hearts out about how terrible there life is.  Banal quiz shows that ask questions such as “what is the name of the Queen”.  And worse the myriad of cookery, auction and travel shows that could lead to something being thrown through the screen.  Times like this I am glad I don’t have a TV in the bedroom.

 Who is goosing who…

I have a list of things that I need to do, things I should be doing instead of staying in bed most of the day.  However I do have an excuse for the lack of achievement this week.  MOZ was off a few days early in the week, and it was Ian her brothers b’day so we were busy celebrating his happy milestone.  I couldn’t possibly be ticking of things of the list twice when there was cake to be eaten.

 I saw this as a threat, i kept away.

One very important thing is I have signed on; I have become a government statistic.  Maybe at the end of the month when the news reports the number of unemployed, I might get a special mention for pushing the number over another million.  I have been unemployed before but it’s still daunting travelling to the office, then filling in the various forms and hoping that I have l the information they need.

 Seen in London this week.  Its frakking September, there is no need for this put it away.

I need to find work and am waiting for the agency to contact me with something that I can earn a crust from.  I did apply for a driving job with a well know supermarket, however I failed the online test which I am a little embarrassed to admit.  But then I have failed online test’s before, I have tried twice in recent years to join MI5 (this is really true) but ran out of time because the test is rather in depth.  I never said I was clever, I fact I have always maintained that I am thicker than a plank of chipboard which doesn’t contain a lot of actual wood.  There are a couple of other jobs that I am applying for all paying about national minimum wage, we’ll see what happens.

  And now for some nude art on a cart in a London square showing boobs.

I have looked at train driver jobs, I am a saddo train fan and would love to drive a train (I have pressed a button to start a train when I was a kid in Sri-Lanka but that’s for another time).  But you’ll be pleased to know there are no vacancies at the moment, so Londoners can travel safe in the knowledge that I am not sitting at the front humming the theme to Thomas the Tank Engine.

   I don’t think London is a pretty city, but this installation actually makes the skyline interesting.

I am a sad creative person, I realise you would never know this from reading this or knowing me.  But I have been looking at film and TV extra work, this is something that I have looked at and thought about over the years but never really had the opportunity to really give it a go.  So I have put my name forward for a few things, one result is I actually have an audition next week for an extra role in a low budget film.  This gig doesn’t pay, but it might give some of those creative juices an outlet to escape.  Inside my head I would like to think it could lead to something that I actually get paid for, I’ll dream on.  I tell myself its worth a go as you never know.

 Cheers, Happy Bday this week to Ian Colson and Star Trek both celebrating a milestone.

My future plan is to return to Mozambique January 2017, I have to be realistic this next trip may only be for a few months instead of the longer trip I had planned.  But maybe I will be able to return again later during next year, everything is still very much in the air at the mo.

 No drink was involved in this picture, this was the result of a run.

I am a little worried about the future.  At nearly 48, I don’t have a proper job, a place of my own, a partner luckily there are no children in tow.  Thinking about it I don’t really have many prospects where did it all go wrong.

In other news…..

Thought I saw Rick Edwards in Oxford Street.  Poking both eyes at different time’s on the same day with my own sun glasses.  Have started to run again, when I went with MOZ it’s a combination of fast walking with a little running.  Watching MOZ nearly put frozen onion instead of raspberry’s on her breakfast.  Finding I couldn’t help stare at a man with his jeans so low slung that I hoped they would fall down and teach him a lesson.  My notes say “looking through MOZ peephole”, I can’t remember what that means…… emmm.

   If only i could have climbed over the wall, this place is responsible for a lot of my childhood.

The Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:  “Cleverman”, (Season 1, ep1).  “Lost Sitcoms: 2, Let’s Talk About Alf”.  “Lost Sitcoms: 3, Hancock’s Half Hour”, (2016).  “Motherland”, (Pilot 2016).  “One Of Us”, (ep 2).  “Panorama: Sellafield’s Nuclear Safety Failings”.  “People Just Do Nothing”, (Season 3, ep 4).  “Ripper Street”, (Season 4, ep 2).  “Star Trek”, (season 1, ep 28).  “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine”, (Season 3, ep 16).  “The Great Flying Challenge”, (ep1).  “The Great British Bake Off”, (Season 7, ep3).  “The Great British Bake Off: An Extra Slice”, (Season 3, ep 3).  “The Last Leg: Welcome to Rio”, (ep 1 to 3).  “The Out-Laws”, (Season 1, eps 8).  “We The Jury”, (Pilot 2016).      

This week I have mainly been listening to:  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Best Off)”, (08/09/16).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Bonus)”, (01/09, 07/09/16).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Highlights)”, (01/09, 02/09, 05/09, 06/09, 07/09/16).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Live)”, (05/09, 06/09, 07/09/16).  “LBC Podcast: Mystery Hour”, (08/09/16).  “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Mid-Week)”, (07/09/16).  ”LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (03/09/16).  “The Angelos & Barry Show”, (22/10, 15/10, 07/10, 30/09/14).  “Toby Hadoke’s Who’s Round”, (02/13 ep 5 to 7) (03/13 ep 8 to 10) (04/13 ep11 to14).  “Morrissey”, “Smiths”, “Florence And The Machine”, “Nirvana”, “Christine And The Queens”, “The Divine Comedy”.

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in East London, and Croydon (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 115 Saturday 27^th August until Friday 2^nd September 2016.

  A nice way to spend a Thursday morning.

This week’s blog was mainly written in Café Nero Reigate, after I had taken my nephew and niece to nursery.  After I had popped in to the local Sci-fi shop and bought a few old “Doctor Who” novels (I used to have the entire collection but that’s for another time).  After all of this I finally found myself in the coffee shop writing this rubbish.  Why do I mention this because this all took place on a Thursday morning?  A time I would normally be found sitting behind a desk in an office.  This week was the end of another chapter of my mid-life crisis.

    I called the 5th floor home until the middle of this week.

Since I returned from Africa in March I have been working in an office in Croydon.  The same one as I worked in last year, this meant there were no shocks when I walked in and remembered that it was a call centre.  This is a problem as I really hate telephones; I would actually go as far to say that I suffer from “telephonophobia”.  Maybe I should explain, in real life I hardly use the phone as a phone I would rather use smoke signals than speak in to the mouthpiece.  My problem is I sound so terrible over the phone and often get called the “wrong thing” (gender) which I won’t lie always hurts.  I freely admit to flicking the “V’s”, or muting the call and calling whoever is on the line something unpleasant.  I have really hated the last few months, there have been a number of times when I have really wanted to put the phone down pick up my bag and walk out never to return.  But I was brought back to reality by the colleagues around me and realising that I needed to earn a crust.

  These people kept me sane over the recent months.

Of course I realise that most jobs are stressful.  However I can only talk about the one I have been doing, which was very statistic driven we were expected to do a certain number of contacts (phone calls, letters/emails) per day, I actually thought it was 36 but recently I found out it was 40.  Every time I did a phone call or worked on an email I pressed a button which started a timer so that when I had completed the enquiry I knew how long it had taken.  I did cherry pick e-mails and letters to work on, this was because in the back of my mind I knew this ticking time bomb was counting the passing seconds and I didn’t want to get pulled up over the amount of work I had finished at the end of the day.  There were only a couple of occasions that it was mentioned by management that I had either not completed the required amount of work or my calls were taking too long.

  The metroplis that is Croydon.

As I mentioned earlier it was only because of the lovely people around me that I managed to stay the course.  I look forward to keeping in touch with Eileen, Jo, Mary, Jill, Colin and the lovely Rogers.  These people are really the only reason I kept my cool.  I never want to work in revenues again or a call centre ever again.

 The board of doom, informing us of how many angry people were waiting.

During my last day I didn’t care about the ticking clock or whether I had done the amount of work that was required.  In a strange way I enjoyed my day in fact at 4pm I was not in a rush to race out of the office as I normally did.  I did confuse a couple of people by the fact that I was still there at 4.01pm.

   Fun on the South bank, a little culture by the Thames.

Writing this while drinking a slightly expensive bucket of coffee in Surrey I have no idea what the next chapter of this Mid-Life Crisis has in store.  The first thing is to look for a job, in a perfect world I would love to be doing something creative.  But there is no such thing as a perfect world; I know my future is either in another office or a shop.  The creative side of me will never amount to anything I suspect, I will always be a frustrated, writer, comedian, painter, actor.  Whatever happens I have to remember the real goal, I want to return to Mozambique in January 2017.

    L to R, Josienne Clarke & Ben Walker, The Craze sound checking, then suited and booted for the performance.

In other news…..

Walking around Richmond on a sunny day with MOZ, I pointed out a shop and said “Muriel’s Kitchen that was a good film”.  MOZ looked at me disapprovingly and said while continuing to walk “That was Muriel’s Wedding”.

  Richmond on a sunny Sunday afternoon.

On a train a group of college boys were sitting talking about “boobs”, “girls” and “drinking”, I was sitting near them with headphones on.  Suddenly one squealed like a girl because of a flying insect as he jumped up to escape the menace.  This group might think they live a “Skins” life but they wouldn’t have made to the end of episode one.

The Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:   “Are You Being Served”, (2016).  “Black Books”, (Season 3, ep 1).  “Home From Home”, (BBC Pilot 2016).  “Horizon: Sports Doping-Winning At Any Cost”, (2015/16, eps 12).  “Lost Sitcoms:1, Till Death Do Us Part”, (2016).  “Monsters Inc”, (2001).  “NASA TV: Various Progs”.  “NASA TV: ISS Live, Spacewalk 195”, (01/09/16).  “National Theatre Live: One Man, Two Guvnors”, (28/08/16).  “Night Tube: The First Weekend”.  “Operation Ouch”, (Season 4, ep 7 & 8).  “Our Ex-wife”, (BBC Pilot 2016).  “People Just Do Nothing”, (Season 3, ep 3).  “Porridge”, (2016).  “Raised By Wolves”, (Pilot 2013).  “Ripper Street”, (Season 4, ep 1 & 2).  “Robot Wars”, (2016, eps 6).  “The Chronicles Of  Nadiya”, (ep 2).  “The Coopers vs The Rest”, (BBC Pilot 2016).  “The Great British Bake Off”, (Season 7, ep2).  “The Great British Bake Off: An Extra Slice”, (Season 3, ep 2).  The Out-Laws”, (Season 1, eps 7).  “The Wizard of Oz”, (1939).  “Tomorrows World”, (Season 22, TX 22/01/87 & Season 30, TX 23/01/95).      

This week I have mainly been listening to:  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Bonus)”, (31/08/16).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Highlights)”, (26/08, 29/08, 31/08/16).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Live)”, (01/09/16).  “LBC Podcast: Mystery Hour”, (01/09/16).  “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Mid-Week)”, (31/08/16).  ”LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (28/08, 02/09/16).  “The Angelos & Barry Show”, (12/12, 02/12, 25/11, 20/11, 12/11, 04/11, 28/10/14).  “Toby Hadoke’s Who’s Round”, (No 1, Jan 13) & (No2, Jan) & (No3, Jan 13) 7 (No4, Jan 13).  “Morrissey”, “MGMT”, “The Bangles”, “ABBA”, “Barry White”, “Nico”, “Jamie T”, “Josienne Clarke & Ben Walker”, “The Craze”, “Kasabian”, “The Divine Comedy”.

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures (The NEXT Chapter).

WEDDING SPECIAL

Week 114 Friday 19^th August until Friday 26^th August 2016.

Last weekend was a long weekend away for me as one of my sisters got hitched.  This gave me an excuse to finally pop my car hire cherry, I really enjoyed being back behind the wheel out on the open road.  It was strange having an uncracked windscreen, a dashboard that worked and a door that locked.  I say this as the last time I drove was in Africa which always felt like a Top Gear challenge.

 Did i forget anything.

The wedding took place in Suffolk in an old mill.   I looked up the price for one night; I could have stayed in a Travelodge for 4 to 5 nights for the same price.  I did in fact spend a couple of nights in a local Travelodge which was basic but nice; my highlight was watching wild bunnies chasing each other in a frisky way.

   Do you like my country pile.

My sister and her 007 lookalike groom chose a beautiful place to get spliced.  There was a huge lake/pond covered in green algae which I really wanted walk across because it looked like a grassy field.  As far as I am aware there were no incidents involving drunken guests stumbling in.  The staff were amazing, couldn’t have been more helpful, this must be how the other half live.

  Our posh room.

I popped my upper class cherry staying there even if it was only for one night.  The room I shared with my best friend was large with a vaulted celing and a wonderful view over the algae covered lake/pond.  What really impressed me (which is easily achieved) was the complimentary sloe gin and a fridge with freshly squeezed juice and bottles of still and sparkling water, all of which we polished off.  It’s a good thing that we know each other well because there was no door to the ensuite bathroom.  Yes posh people don’t have doors on the bathrooms they like to let the air run freely around the place I suppose it’s a type of natural air con.  From the entrance of the room I could see the loo, bath and the shower there was nowhere to hide.  In fact from my side of the bed I could easily see if my friend was having a proper shower washing all her nooks and crannies (for the record we averted our eyes while each other where washing those delicate areas).

  This is where the sloe gin is found.

Because MOZ and I know each other well there wasn’t a problem when the loo, I admit that music was put on to hide any unsightly splashing or plopping sounds.  Reading the literature about the room I was informed that you could get 3 people in the bath we didn’t test it out.  If this is how the other half live then I could get used to that.

  Paul and Sigrida, notice Joleen in the background wearing a dressing gown on the dance floor.

Wedding are a great opportunity to dress up and pretend to be someone else.  My sister had arranged that our hair and make up were done by a professional.  I did worry when she said I looked a little like super model/actress Cara Delevingne, I think she realised her mistake when she opened both eyes.  But for a couple of hours I did feel glamorous but always remembering that it’s the bride’s day to shine.

  No not a supermodel, just a old cow.

All around the beautiful place where we were staying were fields and farms with Cows and other large beasties who produce a lot of shit.  These farm animals prezzie to the happy couple was the scent of the countryside wafting through every window.  I actually quite like the smell of manure it helps remind me I have escaped “the concrete jungle”.  This smell will always transport me back to that happy moment in time when my sister and her man said “I do”.

  Mum enjoying herself.

It was suggested that I should cover up my “chavness”, my collection of tattoos for the ceremony.  After all I didn’t want to scare or shock any aged aunties, so a nice scarf was employed to make me look a little respectful.  But once the main event was over I was allowed to look like a Jeremy Kyle guest dancing the night away, looking like a loon waving my arms in the air like I just didn’t care.

 This loon didnt care.

Congratulations to SAZ and Tim what a wedding, Mum cried, family cried, the bride cried and a small child had a few tears.  A wonderful weekend, spent in a beautiful part of the country.  I must hire a car again. 

In other Wedding news…..

Quote of the wedding.

 Scrubs up well does MOZ.

MOZ to Anaia, we were all getting ready before the event, “Are you going to have your hair and makeup done”.  Anaia to MOZ, “I don’t want to look like a princess”. 

Cutest moment.

 Amber cornered Jesse at the Wedding brekkie.

Little Jesse being chased by the lovely Amber Forrester all weekend, maybe I better keep the dress you never know in about 18 years’ time I might need it.

Strangest image.

 The dance floor turtle is in this pic…

Seeing Joleen crawling around the dance floor with a handbag back on her back looking like a dance floor turtle.

Dance floor highlight.

 Strictly came to the dancefloor.

SAZ doing the splits during the first dance.

Gastronomic first.

I popped my Black pudding cherry at the wedding brekkie the next morning.

The Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:  “Finding Dory”, (2016).  “Fleabag”, (Season 1, ep 5 & 6).  “Horizon: My Amazing Twin”, (2015/16, ep14).  “Life In Wandsworth Prison”.  “Locked In My Body”.  “Monsters Inc”, (2001).  “Nanny  McPhee”, (2005).  “One of Us”, (ep1).  “People Just Do Nothing”, (Season 3, eps 2).  “Robot Wars”, (2016, eps 5).  “Skins”, (Season 6, eps 1 to 10).  “The Adam And Joe Show”, (Season 1, ep 4) & (Season 2, ep1).  “The Chronicles Of Nadiya”, (ep 1).  “The Great British Bake Off”, (Season 7, ep 1).  “The Great British Bake Off: An Extra Slice”, (Season 3, ep 1).  “The Nice Guys”, (2016).  “The Out-Laws”, (Season 1, eps 6).  “Wasted”, (Season 1, eps 6).   

This week I have mainly been listening to:  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Bonus)”, (19/08/16).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Highlights)”, (12/08 pt2, 22/08, 23/08, 24/08, 25/08/16).  “LBC Podcast: Mystery Hour”, (25/08/16).  LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Mid-Week)”, (24/08/16).  ”LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (19/08, 20/08, 26/08/16).  “The Adam Buxton Podcast”, (ep 21, 03/06/16, ep 26, 21/07/16).  “The Angelos & Barry Show”, (19/02, 09/02, 27/01, 23/01, 05/01/15) & (26/12, 20/12/14).  “Morrissey”,  “Smiths”,  “Viola Beach”,  “The Verve”,  “Ian Brown”,  “Coldplay”,  “The Delays”,  “Dee-Lite”, “Sparks” & a great wedding playlist.

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in South, East London & Barton Mills,Suffolk (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 113 Saturday 13^th August until Thursday 18^th August 2016.

This week’s Blog is early and comes from a Travelodge in Barton Mill Suffolk, this is because one of my sisters is getting married tomorrow.  More about the wedding later.

 Croydon actually looks good in the sunshine.

Every time I turn on the TV or the radio recently there are people chatting about some sporting event that appears to be a big deal.  I’m not in to sport at all; I have absolutely no interest in what they’re talking about.  It’s time like this I wish I suffered from Narcolepsy; this is because I could do with a lot of extra sleep over the coming weeks.  I do know that people are throwing things, jumping in and on to things, hitting each other, running away from each other as well as paddling and peddling.  I heard that the UK won some shiny trinket in Trampolining last week.  I have bounced on a trampoline in my sister’s garden and love it, of course I realise there is a lot of skill and training that goes in to wearing a tight lycra outfit while constantly smiling for the crowd and cameras none of which I could do.  I really don’t understand how this and many other events are called sports.

  A pre wedding treat.  Harley Quinn saved this film.

I like to run, cycle and swim and yes surprisingly I have taken part in a number of triathlons, I should just point out I am only ever racing myself.  But all this talk about winning prizes got me thinking is there anything I might be good at.  At work we are monitored closely every time we start or finish a document or a telephone call we press a button which registers how long it takes to action that piece of work or call.  This got me thinking, when I have a “Natural Break” as the system calls it I can get there and back in 2 minutes.  I can leave my desk walk to the loo do my stuff wash my hands and get back all in 2 minutes.  This got me thinking about how far is the loo; I decided to look in to this in a scientific way by walking through the office taking large(ish) metre length steps.  Anyone who saw might have thought I worked for the “Ministry of Silly Walks”, but they are based on the floor below.  For the record the loo is 43 steps (metres) from my desk that’s 86 there and back.  Taking in to account the small chance of inaccuracy I rounded this up to 90 steps.

 Its good to be behind the wheel again.

Maybe this could become a new competitive office sport.  With all the training I have had since March I would surly win a shiny trinket.  I leave this office in a couple of weeks so maybe I should organise a “Bog dash”.  The Major and Mayoress (I don’t actually know if there is a Mayoress in Croydon, maybe I should have done some research) could start and finish the event, while her ladyship in all her finery could hand out shiny trinkets which everyone will be proud to display on their desks.  Of course, always remembering to clear everything away at the end of the day because of the Councils clear desk policy.  This could be my lasting legacy in Croydon, maybe I could return every year for the “Borough Toilet Championships”, a race between different departments or floors.  I might have finally achieved something in my life.

  A few supplies, you never know the zombie apocalypse could take place over the weekend.

And now for something completely different.

 Anaia trying to escape in the background, she will be hunted down.

One of my sisters is getting married tomorrow (19/08/16).  Over the last few months I have been preparing for the big day.  Yes shopping for a dress, shoes and other accessories.  But the most important accessories are bags of Haribo soaked in Sambuca or Prosecco as well as rolls of gaffer tape in bright colours with the smiling face of Peppa Pig on them to make them look less sinister.  Or maybe a bright non noisy toy.  This is because my main duty on the day is chief child wrangler looking after my nephew and niece.  I have an image of me carrying one screaming child while another is holding on to the hem of my long dress refusing to leave the room because mummy and daddy are ignoring them while talking to a man in a skirt in front of everyone.  All will be revealed in the wedding special blog next week, such as who shagged who, who started the food fight and which relative asked the DJ to put on Black Lace’s “Aggado” during the evening reception.  Read all about it in 7 days’ time.

 Jesse waiting for his turn to “phone a  friend” for the wedding pub quiz.

In other news…..

  A lovely improvised meal. 

And now for the amateur dramatics section of the Blog.  I went for a blood test this week at my local surgery, I walked in the room where the nurse indicated where to sit.

She said to me with a smile, “which arm”.

I replied back “the right one, because I’m left handed”.

Looking down at me she said, “It didn’t matter” after a small pause, she said again “which arm”.

I replied “Right”.

The smile faded as she said “left”.

“No, right” I said with confidence.

The nurse points at my left arm and said, “I like the veins in that one”.

Looking up, I just said “Right”.

There was another pause, the nurse let out a slight huff.  I had won, she said, “I’ll have a go with that one” pointing at the right arm.

I half expected her to aim the needle at my arm by closing one eye as if she was playing darts.

There be Bunnies outside.

The Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:  “About Time”, (2015).  “Battlecats”, (eps 3 to 6).  “Man Down”, Season 3, eps 6).  “People Just Do Nothing”, (Season 3, eps 1).  “Robot Wars”, (2016, eps 4).  “Skins”, (Season 4, eps 2 to 8) (Season 5, eps 1 to 8) (Season 6, eps 1 to 4).  “The Breakfast Club”, (1985).  “The Out-Laws”, (Season 1, eps 5).  “Wasted”, (Season 1, eps 5).   

This week I have mainly been listening to:  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Bonus)”, (16/08/16).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Highlights)”, (11/08, 12/08/16).  “LBC Mystery Hour”, (18/08/16).  LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Mid-Week)”, (17/08/16).  ”LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (13/08/16).  “The Angelos & Barry Show”, (22/05, 28/04, 26/04, 14/04, 04/04, 19/03, 05/03, 19/02/15 x 2 shows).  “Morrissey”, “The Verve”, Kate Bush”, The Orb”, Air”, The Stone Roses”, “Radiohead”, “The Hairspray: Original Broadway Cast Recording”, (2002).  “Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Album”, (1999).

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in South & East London, and Watford Hertfordshire (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 112 Saturday 6^th August until Friday 12^th August 2016.

For most people they get pleasure from there small hand held devices that can access all human knowledge at any time.  Myself, I get much more pleasure with a bag of monkey nuts feeding Squirrels in a park.  Last weekend MOZ and I went to a local green with a bag of nuts.  We felt so lucky when a couple of squirrels came over to entertain us.  I did notice not very far away lying on the grass there were some other nuts that the squirrels were not interested in.  These belonged to a man sunbathing in a small black posing pouch.  It was noticeable that anything with a pulse was steering clear of this site for sore eyes.

   There small, furry and so cute.

Have you noticed how Seagulls, Ravens and Crows all appear to be getting bigger; some seem to be the size of a small child.  I knew that Crows are clever, I recently read that scientist have proof that Crows have use tools.  But I wasn’t expecting them to gang up and become muggers.  While feeding the two squirrels I did notice that a group of 3 Crows were sneaking closer.  And sure enough they were trying to steal the nuts that we had given our furry friends.  The two legged brutes kept attempting to worry the small friendly rodents.  MOZ and I would step forward a couple of paces to scare them away and leave the squirrel flicking its tail happily while nibbling there nuts.

  Birds everywhere.
The squirrels in the local park are the poor relations of the ones that live in the city.  For me this would be in parks like Regents and St James Park.  The Squirrels that live there are very bold coming right up to beg or just demand food.  These city Squirrels really relish being celebrities and can be found posing for any camera that’s pointed there way.  There outer town relations are much more timid; many will come near but won’t actually take the nut directly from you meaning that you have to throw the shell towards them.  It doesn’t matter whether I see them in the city or out of town it’s always a pleasure to view and feed them.  In the city the Squirrels and other rodents gang up against the Crows and other large flying beasts even though the birds are the size of a small car due to the amount of food they scavenge.  The rural rodents need to learn to fight back.  This is how I could make my millions pitching a couple of new reality TV show “Squirrel fight club” or “Stone the Crows”.  If this worked I would never have to work in an office again, I would just spend my time feeding Squirrels and scaring Crows.

  Drinking wine out of silicon cups in the park on a Essex summers day.

By the time we had left the park I think the nuts in the small posing pouch still had not been disturbed, the man is probably still lying there.  I love my small hand held devices like everyone else, I enjoy looking up random information that doesn’t help make my life better or easier and is forgotten as soon as I have flicked to another screen.  But being out with nature and interacting with a cute squirrel is so much more fun and interesting every time.

 One of these people is supposed to be a responsible adult, which one is it.

And now for something completely different.

  Nico knows how to relax in Hertfordshire.
I watch a lot of TV on the go; in fact I don’t watch what would be considered “normal” TV these days, the future is actually here.  I can’t stand the adverts that just keep appearing, sometimes there are 3 to 4 mins of buy this, buy that.  The more I see the ads the more it makes me determined not to buy any of the products there trying to entice me with.  To fight the commercials I either mute the sound or flip the cover so I can’t see them.  They say you learn from mistakes.  I once switched the tablet off during the ads because I was arriving at my stop.  When I turned it back on later the Commercials started all over again, that’s 4 minutes I will never get back.  Now I keep them running, I have been known to get off a train holding the screen cover slightly open to allow them to finish.  That way, later I will be entertained by the programme I want and not minutes of mindless product placement.

  Leo, living the dream in Watford.  

In other news…..

 Going home drunk from Watford, had a lovely time with Paul and Sigrida and family.

Losing an ear bud (I think that’s what they’re called), went into a shop and was given a used one, yes second hand ear buds.  Visited my Brother and family in Watford.  Nico my 4 year old nephew took me to his local playground by leading me through the streets by my hand.  While he played with a little boy I got chatting to the mother a lovely woman called Hannah, really nice chatting about her life before her family and eating Wagon Wheels.  Overheard a colleague say “my knickers keep rolling down”.  Met up with Moira for a drink or two, pizza and salad, oops wedding diet.

  Evening out with Moira.

 The Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:   “Avatards: Comedy Blaps”, (Season 1, ep3).  “Battlecats”, (eps 1 & 2).  “Calculating Ada: The Countess of Computing”.  “Fleabag”, (Season 1, eps 4). “Horizon: Inside CERN, Horizon Special”, (2015/16, eps 13).  “Man Down”, Season 3, eps 5).  “Robot Wars”, (2016, eps 3).  “Skins”, (Season 2, eps 1 to 10) (Season 3, eps 1 to 6) (Season 4, eps 1).  “The Out-Laws”, (Season 1, eps 4).  “The Paris Lees Sex Show”, (BBC3 eps 1 & 2).  “Wasted”, (Season 1, eps 4).    

This week I have mainly been listening to:  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Bonus)”, (08/08/16).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Highlights)”, (04/08, 05/08, 09/0, 10/08, 11/08/16).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Live)”, (09/08/16).  “LBC Podcast: Mystery Hour”, (11/08/16).  “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Mid-Week)”, (10/08/16).  ”LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (06/08, 12/08/16).  “The Adam Buxton Podcast”, (eps 7, 29/10/15).  “The Angelos & Barry Show”, (10/07, 02/07, 20/06, 11/06, 27/05, 22/05, 12/05, 07/05/15).  “Morrissey”, “Bowie”, “Baby Bird”, “Portishead”, “Peter Paul and John”, “The Wannadies”, “MGMT”, “Sophie B Hawkins”, “Blur”, “The Ting Tings”.