Misfits Mid-Life Crisis……..

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in East & West London and Surrey (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 211 Saturday 30^thJune until Thursday 5^th July 2018.

This week’s blog is a little early because on Saturday morning in the wee hours I go away with family to Ibiza.  If there is a good internet connection while away then next weeks blog week 212 should be published as normal.  However I might make you wait until the weekend to read about how many times I embarrassed the family by throwing up on pavements and making them wish that they had not invited me.
 
And now for this week’s slightly shorter ramble.

 “I really need this coming holiday, as you can see”.
 
As a small kid there were three things I really wanted, in no particular order they were.

Braces on teeth. 
 
Glasses.
 
A plaster cast.
 
My thinking looking back was as follows (remember I was a child).  Braces appeared cool on TV in the 70s (mainly US progs) and kids with glasses tended to look clever.  While everyone loved to sign the plaster cast of a kid that had fallen out of a tree.  During dental appointments I would push my bottom teeth forward, and deliberately misreading the letters at eye tests, however I never fooled the professionals.  I also didn’t get the plaster cast.  Now you can see why in some people’s eyes I’ve always been a failure.

 “Someones ready for Ibiza”.
 
Last weekend I had an eye test, since the last one 2 years ago I haven’t noticed any deterioration in my vision.  So I was a little surprised when the optician advised that I should start using glasses for reading, working on computers, watching my tablet and writing this shiz.  I can’t lie but there was a moment of excitement, hopefully I didn’t give the game away by letting out an audible squeak of joy that at last I need glasses.  This year I reach what many consider a milestone age, for me I am just amazed to have survived this long.  But the fact that I have made it to this age without the need for specs when you consider the thousands of hours of TV and film viewed over those years amazes me.  Isn’t the human body amazing? 
 
Seriously I realise that needing glasses is not a good thing.  It’s the start of a journey along the slippery slope of declining eyesight only confirming what I already knew, I am old.

 “I couldn’t not eat it, could i!!!!”. 
 
A little later I stood in front of row after row of plastic moulded frames, including ones that are “supposedly” designer which had the name of a singer or a supermodel stamped on them but in reality didn’t look any better than standard specs on display.  Whatever I picked will be on the front of my face for at least the next couple of years so I needed to “choose wisely”.  Each time I looked in the mirror I hoped that my reflection would look intelligent, it didn’t.   Finally after all these years of being a geek, I might actually look like one.  Is looking like a geek still cool, maybe I’m “on trend” for once.  Of course if that phase of fashion has passed then I’m ready for my next kicking.  I collect the glasses soon; I’ll let you know if they change my life.  By the way if you were wondering, I don’t want a brace or a plaster cast anymore, there so 1970s.

 “Going down”.

It’s also been a week of change for my bowling friend Calamity (Who also reaches the same great age later this year). She noticed a little car for sale last week.  Over the weekend she bought it.  Soon there will be no stopping her as she travels up and the roads of Essex.

 “Calamity and her new purchase”.
 
In conclusion, what have we learnt this week?  I need glasses and my friend got a car.  Who do you think got the better deal, answers on a postcard to the usual address?
 
c/o Mrs B J Smegma
Victoria Station Toilets
Barnsley
3rd rock from the Sun

 “There have been some beautiful evenings this week”.

And Finally……

On a very packed train, a man’s tummy rumbled for a number of seconds very loudly.  This made him apologies out loud, which made me chuckle on the inside on a already grim commuter morning.

 “Writing this shiz, while counting my Euro’s for next week”.

My Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:  

“Bottom”, (S1, ep 1 to ep 6).  “Can’t Cope, Won’t Cope”, (S2, ep 1 & ep 2).  “Click”, (TX: 30/06/18).  “Flowers”, (S1, ep 6).  “Friends”, (S1, ep 9 to ep 16).  “Hidden”, (S1, ep 5).  “Humans”, (S3, ep 3).  “Monty Python before The Flying Circus”, (2000).  “Monty Python Live At Aspen, (TX: 23/03/1998).  “Mortimer & Whitehouse: Gone Fishing”, (S1, ep 3, TX: 04/07/18).  “Parrot Sketch Not Included: Twenty Years Of Monty Python”, (TX: 18/11/1989).  “Red Dwarf”, (S1, ep 1 to ep 6)(S2, ep 1 to ep 6)(S3, ep 1 to ep 6)(S4, ep 1 to ep 6).  “Stath Let’s Flats”, (S1, ep 1 & ep 2).  “The Graham Norton Show”, (S23, ep 13, TX: 29/06/18).  “The Crystal Maze: Celebrity Special”, (S4, ep 4, TX: 29/06/18).  “The Last Leg”, (S14, ep 2, TX: 29/06/18).  “The Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers (Extended Edition)”, (2002).  “The Misadventures Of Romesh Rangernathan”, (S1, ep 1, TX: 01/07/18).    

This week I have mainly been listening to:  

“Anti Social Show”, (ep 54, 29/06/18).  “BBFC Podcast”, (ep 33, 18/09/15)(ep 34, pt 1, 29/05/15)(ep 34, pt 2, 12/10/15)(ep 36, 11/11/15)(ep 51, 02/06/16).  “Chasing Earhart”, (ep 50, 01/07/18)(special 02/07/18).  “Grief Cast”, (ep 28, 21/03/18)(ep 44, 04/07/18).  “Iain Lee (Highlights)”, (28/06, 29/06, 02/07, 03/07, 04/07/18).  “In Poor Taste”, (ep 56, 24/12/16)(ep 57, 01/01/17).  “LBC Podcast: Mystery Hour”, (05/07/18).  “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (30/06/18).  “NASA: Gravity Assist”, (03/07/18).  “NASA: Houston We Have A Podcast”, (ep 51, 29/06/18).  “NASA: In Silicon Valley”, (ep 97, 29/06/18).  “NASA: Rocket Ranch”, (welcome, 20/06/18)(ep 1, 26/06/18).  “Skeptiod”, (ep 586, 29/08/17)(ep 589, 19/09/17)(ep 597, 14/11/17)(advert 22/12/17)(ep 630, 03/07/18).  “Soundtracking With Edith Bowman”, (ep 95, 02/07/18).  “The Kimchi Chronicles”, (ep 21, 01/07/18).  “Morrissey”, “Blur”, “Pulp”, “Oasis”, “Suede”, “PJ Harvey”.    

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in East & West London and Surrey (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 210 Saturday 23^rdJune until Friday 29^th June 2018.

This week I want to help you…

Over the last 30 yrs I have slept really badly, waking up regularly throughout the night never feeling completely satisfied in the morning.  But recently I have found a way which helps me sleep better, I’m still waking up every couple of hours but in the morning I feel better once up.

  “It was messy, and why this blog is late.  Sorry.”

“Come closer and I’ll tell you my secret.  I’ll give you a moment to sit very close to the screen”.

“Ready?”.

My answer to sleeping better is to “turn the radio off”.  Yes, these last few decades I have slept with voices either in the room or whispering directly into my ear.  Speech radio is better than music which just kept me awake.  This all started when I worked shifts for British Rail (remember them) in the late 80s.  Attempting to sleep during the day was difficulty until I discovered that leaving the radio on sort of helped.  This habit continued until a couple of weeks ago when I was away and found myself without any decent radio, resulting in going to sleep naturally.  As I mentioned I’m still waking up every few hours, but I drift off again quite quickly.  This really was a major “Eureka” moment for me.

   “A huge art installation at Gloucester Road tube station by Heather Phillipson called My Name is Lettie Eggyscrub.”

I actually miss the radio shows and the presenters I would listen to in the wee hours, but the need for better sleep is more important.  I dream (pun intended) that one day I’ll sleep like others only waking up only once or even better not at all.  If only I could wake up feeling completely regenerated, refreshed and ready for what the day throws at me.

  “This lovely man, rescued this huge moth hitchhiking on the District Line,  They were last seen getting off together at Kew”.

If this little trick helps you sleep better, then the address to send the cheque to is

Third Wheelie bin on the left
Batley Townswomans Guild
Katmandu
W12 8QT

I have had another revolutionary idea for better sleep, which has just arrived in my noggin as I type this.  Close the curtains, I’m going to close the curtains and see if that helps.  If this does then I am definitely applying for the next season of “Dragons Den” to make my squillions.

  “A couple of doodles this week, gotta love a Snail”.

And Now For Something Completely Different……

 “Random tattoo spotted of the week, it appears to be a Skateboard”.

When this is published I will have less than 7 days until I go on holiday.  There have been occasional long weekend, but an actual holiday hasn’t happened for a number of years.  I really need this break, being away from the daily grind of getting up before sparrow fart.  Squashed sweaty shoulder to sweaty shoulder on badly air conditioned trains and sitting in an office 5 days a week for 8 hours a day is not good to my physical or mental health.  Add to this speaking to possibly up to 60 idiots a day (that’s really a bad day).  Yes I need this holiday.

 “Always a pleasant site seeing our celestial neighbour”.

It would have been nice if I could have said to the world that I am “Beach Body Ready” instead of “Beach Bloated Ready” (a lot of training has gone into looking like this).  It’s the locals and other visitors I feel sorry for; the ones that accidently catch a glimpse of my pasty white flabby flesh.  I am normally a responsible person, but during this break I won’t be liable for any illness or injury that others incur if they decided to ogle or get in the way of my rubbing thighs or large tummy.  Yes I am definitely going to enjoy break.

 “Seeing Lon W’loo (look carefully) always makes me smile”.

Some of you might be going away at the same time and are rightly worried that you could be one of the possible casualties mentioned above.  I’m going with family to Ibiza.  You read that correctly, one of the most boring people in the world (me, if you were wondering) will be spending time in a very exciting location.  Hopefully I can persuade my 6 year old niece and 4 yrs old nephew to let me hang out with them as there “havin it large” in the V.I.P area at a foam party while dancing the night away to a superstar DJ.

 “The lovely DAVE celebrating Pride”.

In reality I intend on doing very little apart from lying in a hammock or floating around the pool.  There is the possibility that the kids might mistake me for a pool inflatable, but these things happen when away.  You can guarantee I will be smothered in inches of factor 50 and enjoying the shade (outside of course) as much as possible, I’m not good in the sun.  This holiday is going to be so good for me in many ways. 

  “A couple of mornings i arrived in style.  This is how i LIKE my trains”.
 
If you’re unlucky and there is good internet connection then week 212 of the blog will be posted as normal.  But don’t fret there is still the excitement of week 211 next week still to come (that sounds like a threat doesn’t it).

 “JBomb is ready for Ibiza”.

I should start making a list and checking it twice….

And Finally……

Congratulation to Ian on your new home.

 “Writing this shiz on the move”.

And Finally, Finally (Honest)……

“Dinsdale”…
My Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:  

“Can Science Make A Perfect Me? With Alice Roberts”, (TX: 13/06/18).  “Click”, (TX: 23/06/18).  “Flowers”, (S1, ep 5).  “Friends”, (S1, ep 1 to ep 8).  “Greg Davies: You Magnificent beast”, (2018).  “Hidden”, (S1, ep 4).  “Horizon 2018:2, Teenagers Vs Cancer A User’s Guide”, (TX: 26/06/18).  “Humans”, (S3, ep 5 & ep 6).  “Houston, We Have A Problem!”, (2016).  “Imagine Spring 2018:1, Rupert Everett; Born To Be Wilde”, (TX: 20/05/18).  “Incident By A Bank”, (2010).  “Monty Python Almost The Truth, The Lawyers Cut”, (S1, ep 4 to ep 6).  “Monty Python Best Bits (Mostly), (s1, ep 1 to ep 5).  “Monty Python Conquers America”, (2008).  “Monty Python; The Meaning Of Live”, (2014).  “Monty Python’s Fiegender Zirkua”, (S1, ep 1 & ep 2).  “Mortimer & Whitehouse: Gone Fishing”, (S1, ep 2, TX: 27/06/18).  “Red Dwarf”, (S1, ep 1).  “Rescue Me”, (S1, ep 1).  “Stranger Things 2”, (S2, ep 1 & ep 9).  “The Graham Norton Show”, (S23, ep 12, TX: 22/06/18).  “The Crystal Maze: Celebrity Special”, (S4, ep 3, TX: 22/06/18).  “The Last Leg”, (S14, ep 1, TX: 22/06/18).  “The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring (Extended Edition)”, (2001).  “The Meaning Of Monty Python”, (2013). 

 This week I have mainly been listening to:  

“BBFC Podcast”, (ep 52, 15/06/16)(ep 56, 25/08/16)(ep 58, 06/10/16)(ep 61, 22/11/16)(ep 63, 19/01/17)(ep 64, 01/02/17)(ep 70, 24/7/17)(ep 71, 18/08/17)(ep 78, 26/01/18).  “Brian Gittens And Friends”, (ep 39, 28/06/18).  “Chasing Earhart”, (ep 49, 22/06/18).  “Grief Cast”, (ep 43, 27/06/18).  “Iain Lee (Bonus)”, (27/06/18).  “Iain Lee (Highlights)”, (22/06, 25/06, 26/06, 27/06/18).  “In Poor Taste”, (ep 58, 13/01/17).  “LBC Podcast: Mystery Hour”, (21/06)(28/06/18).  “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (23/06, 29/06/18). “Skeptiod”, (bonus ep 23/06)(ep 629, 26/06/18).  “Strange Times”, (ep 267, 22/06/18)(ep 268, 24/06/18).  “The Kimchi Chronicles”, (ep 20, 26/06/18).  “Morrissey”, “Spice Girls”, “Garbage”, “Weezer”, “Ash”, “Blur”, “Lisa Loeb”, “Mental As Anything”, “The Police”, Cyndi Lauper”, “Turin Breaks”.    

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in Northamptonshire, Oxfordshire, Surrey, East, West & North London (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 209 Saturday 16^thJune until Friday 22^nd June 2018.

Last weeks blog felt a little negative, so hopefully this week will be a more positive read.

 “Mum making herself comfortable”.
 
I spent a lovely long weekend at my mums (mainly sitting in her garden watching birds feeding).  People in the countryside do seem so much more chilled than city folk (which won’t surprise anyone).  There is no science behind my thinking, but over the weekend I noticed a couple of things.

   “Spent a lot of time relaxing watching birds”.

Step on a bus in the capital, say hello to the driver you might get a nod from the person behind the steering wheel (Of course I realise there busy).  Occasionally they will mutter something, but most of the time the only acknowledgement is a slight twitch of a muscle on one side of there face.

 “Love these old boxes”.

DISCLAIMER, I do know a couple of London Bus Drivers, and I am sure that they smile and say “hello” every time DISCLAIMER ends.

  “Always enjoy visiting The Cock Inn”.

In the countryside say hello to a bus driver not only do they smile but they answer back.  One driver I saw chatted back to her regular passengers even asking how they were.  In the capital if you don’t know how to get to your location you might get pointed to the correct bus stop or just told “naw, don’t go that way”.  In the countryside things are different, I saw two guys ask the driver how to reach a village.  The men produced maps; the driver leaned out of his cab to help.  If this had been in the capital people would been shouting “get a move on” impatiently within seconds.  Seeing this act of kindness gives me hope about the future of the human race.

 “Witnessing a little act of kindness”.

And Now For Something SLIGHTLY Different……

 “Do you like my jugs”.

Leaving mums village I stood at a bus stop that I have never used before.   After waiting a short time (there is only one bus an hour) with only a few minutes left a “Top Gear” style sports car pulled up.  I immediately prepared my “I don’t live around here” speech when asked directions to the Post Office.  Of course I know where the Post Office is in the village, but I panicked just then because I needed to name a place for this part of the blog.

  “Home grown Strawberries, i love this garden”.

Sorry, back to the ramble.

 “Sing along, The wheels on the bus go round and round…..”.
 
Behind the wheel sat a well dressed business women who asked if I wanted a lift to the station a journey of about 20 minute.  It was only after I belted myself in that it crossed my mind was I going to wake up later in an isolated barn only to discover that the woman and her favourite sheep flossy had had their wicked way with me.  On route i discovered we worked in the same sort of business, however she clearly has a position of power and authority.  If you have read this shiz before, you will know that a coffee stain in the communal kitchen has more authority than me.

 “Thank you Jules for the trim”.
 
This little act of kindest saved me £4.50 (which of course I did offered, and am glad she refused as the coins were hot and clammy from being in my hand for the duration of the journey).  Ok I didn’t get the satisfaction of saying “hello” and “thank you“ to the bus driver and there will be other country bus journeys when I can hum to myself “the wheels on the bus go round and round”.  But travelling in a sports car around and around the many roundabouts of MK was an unexpected treat.  Thank you so much Lesley for the lift.

  “And they call it Puppy Love”.

Yes county people really do seem nice; I look forward to my next trip “up north”.  Maybe that’s the answer to stress in the city; we all need to go to the countryside.

 “Interesting dept seen at a hospital in Oxford”.
 
And Finally……

  “Poppy the puppy, and a couple of beautiful ladies in the garden”.

Highlights of the long weekend include.  Seeing my nephew and niece spending time with grandma.  Going to the pub for a meal and drinks with family.  Visiting Oxford with Aunty H and travelling on the Park & Ride bus which has very friendly drivers.   Meeting Poppy a 3 month old puppy at my cuz Catherine house (hello Thomas).  Thinking about this I should mention Catherine’s cute Guinea pigs I wouldn’t want them to feel left out and get jealous.  They were very pretty ladies.

  “I enjoyed my day out”.
Special thanks to Mum and Aunty H for letting me stay and mess up there bungalow, look forward to seeing you at the airport.

 “X really does mark the spot”.

And Finally, Finally (Honest)……

“Lemon curry?”

 “Writing this Shiz, in mums garden while bird and Python watching”.

My Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:  

“Are You Being Served?”, (S2, ep 2).  “Bottom”, (S1, ep 5 & ep 6).  “Click”, (TX: 16/06/18).  “Flowers”, (S1, ep 4).  “For  The Birds”, (2000).  “Hidden”, (S1, ep 1 & ep 2).  “Hi-Di-Hi!”, (S5, ep 6).  “How It’s Made”, (17, ep 12).  “Humans”, (S3, ep 5 & ep 6).  “Keeping Up Appearances”, (S5, ep 4).  “Lou”, (2017).  “Missions”, (S1, ep 10).  “Monty Python Almost The Truth, The lawyers Cut”, (S1, ep 1, ep 2 & ep 3).  “Monty Python And The Holy Grail”, (1975).  “Monty Python Live (Mostly) One Down Five To Go”, (2014).  “Monty Python’s Flying Circus”, (S3, ep 4 to ep 13)(S4, ep 1 to ep 6).  “Monty Python’s Life Of Brian”, (1979).  “Monty Python’s Personal Best”, (S1, 1 to ep 6).  “Mortimer & Whitehouse: Gone Fishing”, (S1, ep 1, TX: 20/06/18).  “Pigeons”, (2010).  “Secrets Of McDonald’s: 50 years Of the Big Mac”, (TX: 20/06/18).  “Stranger Things”, (S1, ep 7 & ep 8).  “The Graham Norton Show”, (S23, ep 11, TX: 15/06/18).  “The Crystal Maze: Celebrity Special”, (S4, ep 2, TX: 15/06/18).  “The Vicar Of Dibley”, (S4, ep 2).  “The World Of Peter Rabbit And Friends”, (S1, ep 2, ep 4 & ep 5).  “World’s Tallest Skyscrapers: Beyond The Clouds”, (S1, ep 1, TX: 19/06/18).  “You Rang, M’Lord?”, (S4, ep 4).

This week I have mainly been listening to:

“Anti – Social Show”, (ep 53, 15/06/18).  “Chasing Earhart”, (ep 48, 16/06/18).  “Grief Cast”, (ep 42, 20/06/18).  “Iain Lee (Bonus)”, (15/06, 21/06/18).  “Iain Lee (Highlights)”, (14/06, 15/06, 2x 19/06, 20/06, 21/06/18).  “In Poor Taste”, (ep 59, 29/01/17)(ep 98, 17/06/18).  “LBC Podcast: Cristo”, (03/01/09).  “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (16/06, 22/06/18).  “NASA: Houston We Have A Podcast”, (ep 50, 22/06/18).  “NASA: In Silicon Valley”, (54, 10/08/17)(ep 94, 15/06/18)(ep 95, 15/06/18)(ep 96, 22/06/18).  “Political Intolerants”, (ep 3, 16/06/18).  “Skeptiod”, (ep 628, 19/06/18).  “Soundtracking With Edith Bowman Podcast”, (ep93, 15/06/18)(ep 94, 22/06/18).  “The Rabbit Hole”, (ep 58, 21/06/18).  “Morrissey”, “Queen”, “The Pet Shop Boys”, “Vangelis”, “The Stone Roses”, “Manic Street Preachers”, “The White Stripes”, “George Michael”.    

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in North, East and West London & Surrey (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 208 Saturday 9^thJune until Friday 15^thJune 2018.

Monday to Friday I sit in an office and talk on the phone which is ironic because in real life I prefer to text or email.  I work in a “contact centre” that the posh name for a “call centre”, if people ask me how to describe such a place I say think of battery hens with headsets on. 

 “This train couldn’t decide if it was moving or not, i’m glad to say it moved”.
 
The job I do is not specialised, yes I have gained a lot of knowledge over the years but anybody could do it. 

***DISCLAIMER “apologies to friends who do the same sort of job and might be reading” DISCLAIMER ENDS***.

  “North London Bees were busy when i visited”.

Anyone with a little assistance, badly printed notes could do the job.  However recently I have been asked to take calls for a couple of other services, after a couple of hours training I was let loose on the public.  My knowledge or experience of these services is extremely limited, but I have a sheaf of notes plus others I have written which I can’t read due to my terrible handwriting. 

  “Londoners beautiful people”.
 
All I do for one of these extra services is book appointments because the caller doesn’t have access to the internet or can’t be bothered doing it for themselves.  Anything more complicated gets transferred to the “back office”, which is easier said than done.  When I do get through there are one or two officers who “tut” making it very clear that I am a Class A pain in the arse.  It’s getting to the point where I think I should relocate to their office because I am ringing so often.  Every time I speak to them a little piece of my soul breaks off and drifts away in the breeze of my cheap pink desk fan.

 “I love Cake”.
 
I suspect this has a very negative tone, which I apologise about.  Normally I do try to make this blog light hearted and occasionally funny, but during the last seven days real life has been toughs.  I am looking for another job and fingers crossed over the summer someone will want me.  The reason I am subjecting myself to this daily torture is so that I can return to Mozambique in early 2019.  That’s what I have to remember when I have a tough call or am constantly being misgendered, that this is all being done for a good cause and will be worth it in the end.

 “Spotted at work our motto”.
  
And Now For Something Completely Different……

When I start something I like to complete it, unfortunately I am talking about TV and film I enjoy.  If only I was able to channel that energy into the multiple creative projects which I have started.  At this stage in my Mid-Life crisis I have a completed children’s book and another story written with the paintings planned.  There are a number of short and two longer scripts ready for someone to throw on a rejection pile, with others in different stages of development.

  “Charity shop fun.  Since when has 1995 become vintage”.
 
When it comes to TV and film I really am a completionist.  Last week I finished watching all 731 episodes of “Star Trek” made between 1964 and 2018.  This marathon view feast started in mid November 2017 mainly during the long commute to and from work but also at lunch time in my fave coffee shop.  Of course I did sit on the sofa a lot at home on my lardy arse as well.  Last week also saw the completion of re-watching all 177 episodes of “The Golden Girls” but this was with my friend Calamity over nearly a year and mainly at weekends so I don’t feel as guilty about that.  This week I started re-watching all of “Monty Pythons Flying Circus” (a show I have loved since late70s early 80s, which really has influenced my humour and this blog) I desperately need a laugh on the train. 

 “Homegrown is always the best, says Anoodle”.
 
Things have to change; scripts and manuscripts need to be sent to people so I can embrace rejection.  But because I am knackered due to work and the commute, it’s easier to watch episode after episode of a classic show.  The creative side will always only be a side-line, it will never make real money allowing me to escape the grind of commuter hell.  People tell me to be positive, that my work might be seen by the right person but that happens very rarely and not to people like me.  There’s more chance of me watching and getting excited about some “kicky ball” things that’s taking over the TV schedules.  Thank “The Great Pumpkin” that there are loads of downloads to watch.  You never know this might get me off my spreading lardy cheeks and give my creative side the kick (pun intended) needed to send things to people.

 “I know nothing about fashion, and neither did this lady (in my humble opinion)”.
 
If I become a success you’re all invited to the opening of my (delete as appropriate) gallery exhibition / book signing / film premier.  The invites will be sent second class, all I ask is you don’t eat all the cheese and Marmite sandwiches because I’ll have slaved all night over them.

 “Cheers to a better week next week”.
 
And Finally……

I saw the backs of Jason Watkins and Hugh Dennis heads, as they were filming round the corner from work.

 “You really can see Jason Watkins and Hugh Dennis in this shot, honest”.

And Finally, Finally (Honest)……

“No. 1”

“The Larch”.

(only a few people will understand this……. It’s really not important).

“The Larch”.

 “Writing this shiz while Michael Palin eyes up my muffin”.

My Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:  

“24hrs In Police Custody”, (S7, ep 2, TX: 28/05/18).  “Boundin”, (2003).  “Click”, (TX: 09/06/18).  “Flowers”, (S1, ep 1 to ep 3).  “Jack-Jack Attack”, (2005).  “Lost In Space (2018)”, (S1, ep 5 to ep 10).  “Missions”, (S1, ep 9).  “Monty Python’s Flying Circus”, (S1, ep 1 to ep 13)(S2, ep 1 to ep 13)(S3, ep 1 to ep 3).  “Springwatch 2018”, (ep 9, TX: 11/06/18)(ep 10, TX: 12/06/18)(ep 11 TX: 13/06/18)(ep 12 TX: 14/06/18).  “Star Trek (TOS)”, (S1, ep 3 & ep 8).  “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo”, (2011).  “The Graham Norton Show”, (S23, ep 10, TX: 08/06/18).  “Tomorrow’s World: The Unearthly History Of Science Fiction”, (S1, ep 2, TX: 24/11/14).  “The Crystal Maze: Celebrity Special”, (S4, ep 1, TX: 08/06/18).  “The Incredibles”, (2004).  “The Sky At Night”, (TX: 10/06/18).        

This week I have mainly been listening to:

“BBFC Podcast”, (ep 47, 06/04/16)(ep 49, 09/05/16).  “Brian Gittens And Friends”, (ep 38, 13/06/18).  “Chasing Earhart”, (ep 47, 10/06/18).  “Grief Cast”, (ep 10, 14/06/17)(ep 11, 10/07/17)(ep 41, 13/06/18).  “Iain Lee (Bonus)”, (11/06, 2x 13/06/18).  “Iain Lee (Highlights)”, (07/06, 09/06, 11/06, 12/06/18).  “In Poor Taste”, (ep 60, 05/02/17).  “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (09/06, 15/06/18).  “NASA: Houston We Have A Podcast”, (ep 49, 15/06/18).  “Skeptiod”, (ep 627, 12/06/18).  “The Angelos And Barry Podcast”, (09/06, 11/06/18).  “The Rabbit Hole”, (ep 57, 14/06/18).  “Young Free And Coupled”, (30/08/17).  “Young Free And Coupled: Coupled Conversation”, (ep 002, 14/06/18).  “Morrissey”, “The Divine Comedy”, “The Music Of Monty Python”, “Eric Idle”, “The Chemical Brothers (Hanna OST)”, “Tasmin Archer”, “The Foo Fighters”, “Oasis”.    

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in East and West London & Surrey (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 207 Saturday 2^nd June until Friday 8^th June 2018.

I love nature and go all unnecessary whether it’s a Squirrel taking a monkey nut from my hand or coming face to face with the world’s biggest fish, a Whaleshark.  Personally I really do try to love all the other creatures that live on this ball of rock with me, though it is tough to get excited about mozzies.

 “Great sights on safari”.

This last week I come across a couple of animals that were possibly sick or in need of help and I failed them.  First there was a tiny Snail found on the inside of the kitchen door, taking it outside I saw what appeared to be leaves on its shell.  Only when I looked closely did I realise that these were not leaves but its shell had been crushed.  There were areas of that gastropod I should have not been able to see.  What could I do to help a very small garden snail apart from rest it in some long grass in the garden and hope that it might survive a little longer?

  “This pretty kitty, always reminds me of Spike”.

A few days later, I noticed a Pigeon.  London is full of Pigeons and many consider them “flying rats and vermin”.  Personally like them; someone needs to appreciate them, even the scurfy street ones. This particular bird was standing beside a door, as I crouched down to take a picture (I do that a lot) it didn’t fly away as expecting.  Ten minutes later when I passed there was the bird just standing next to the door?  It didn’t appear to be injured (I wondered if it was waiting to be let in like a cat) what could I do to help.

 “Very relaxing to see just before another horrible day in the office”.

Yes I feel bad about both these incidents; I’m not sure what a vet would say if I had walked in with a snail and a pigeon.  From what I have read most vets don’t like to see street pigeons due to the risk of disease and/or infection risk to other animals.

 “I do enjoy clouds”.

But I have been doing some research and found that the internet is not just for looking for obscure facts about 1968 Doctor Who episodes. There are sites explaining about how to look after a snail with a damaged shell and who to call if a sick pigeon is found.  A couple of useful sites that I found which have a lot of info are (of course I can’t vouch for the accuracy of these sites).
 “Not an interesting pic i know, but its not everyday you see a boat like this”.

petsnails.co.uk
pigeonrescue.co.uk

Also there is The Royal Society for the Protection of Birds (RSPB) rspb.org.uk
And for animals try The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (RSPCA)
rspca.org.uk

Of course you could do a general search to find charities and other people local to you who will help.

 “Does any one care for a radish?”.

Is this the right time to say that I accidentally killed a Wasp over the weekend (I was trying to encourage it to go outside) by using Megan and Harry faces on the cover of a magazine.  In the past I was an ace Wasp slayer, but now I am a reformed character trying to care for everything that shares this planet with me.
  
And Now For Something Completely Different……

 “Calamity, had been busy in the garden”.

The weather has recently had more of a summer feel about it, apart from smearing inches of factor 50 on any exposed areas there is another way I can tell that summer is coming.

 “Helping to peel a friend”.

The annoying sound from the chimes of ice cream vans.  Over the last weekend the same couple of vans seem to be going round and round playing there plinky plonky tune every few minutes.  I have an image that these are rival ice cream traders constantly trying to outdo each other by selling the tastiest ice cream in the area.  And like to imagine them as rival cowboys driving brightly coloured vans with bad caricature of well-loved cartoon character painted on the side instead of riding horses.  A duel at the stroke of noon in the high street could be interesting and messy, but tasty for the kids and adults with a sweet tooth.

 “Always enjoy my visits to Surrey”.

It can’t be an easy life as an ice cream van vendor, with only a few good weeks a year where they stand a chance of making decent money.  But hearing those annoying ring tones regularly throughout the day does make me want to go outside and fill there loud speakers with some of their delicious ice cream to dampen the noise pollution.  Thinking about it I don’t suppose it can be fun hearing that horrible noise all day from the inside the van, they must be a special breed of person to do that job.  Let me loose inside an Ice cream van and I would just eat everything, which would mean I wouldn’t need to drive and more importantly annoying people with those horrible chimes. 

 “New clock at work, which says the date was 9th June.  That’s time travel”.

Yes I need to be more tolerant, push my ear buds in further and turn the volume up as I pop outside to order a double 99 with an extra-long flake…
 
And Finally……

Little kid singing loudly “we will rock you”.

 “Writing this shiz, as the world passed by”.

My Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:  

“Burma With Simon Reeves”, (S1, ep 1, TX: 13/05/18)(ep 2, TX: 20/05/18).  “Click”, (TX: 02/06/18).  “Crash Test Dummies: A Smashing History”, (TX: 28/08/13).  “High & Dry”, (S1, ep 6).  “Humans”, (S3, ep 4).  “Missions”, (S1, ep 7 & ep 8).  “Natural World: 2018/19, 5 Pangolins – The Worlds Most Wanted Animal”, (TX: 15/05/18).  “Peter Kay’s Carshare”, (S1, ep 1 to ep 6).  “Springwatch 2018”, (ep 5, TX: 04/06/18)(ep 6, TX: 05/06/18)(ep 7, TX: 06/06/18)(ep 8, TX: 07/06/18).  “Star Trek (DISCO)”, (S1, ep 1 to ep 15).  “Star Trek (TOS)”, (S1, ep 1 & ep 2).  “The Golden Girls”, (S7, ep 13 & ep 23).  “The Graham Norton Show”, (S23, ep 9, TX: 01/06/18).  “Tomorrow’s World: The Unearthly History Of Science Fiction”, (S1, ep 1, TX: 22/11/14)(ep 3, TX: 06/12/14)(ep 4, TX: 13/12/14).

This week I have mainly been listening to:

“Anti Social Show”, (ep 50, 04/05/18)(ep 51, 18/05/18)(ep 52, 01/06/18).  “Chasing Earhart”, (ep 46, 03/06/18).  “Grief Cast”, (ep 8, 24/05/17)(ep 10, 14/06/17)(ep 40, 06/05/18).  “Iain Lee (Highlights)”, (01/06, 04/06, 05/06, 07/06).  “LBC Podcast: Mystery Hour”, (07/06/18).  “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (01/06, 02/06, 08/06/18).  “NASA: Houston We Have A Podcast”, (ep 47, 01/06/18)(ep 48, 07/06/18).  “NASA: In Silicon Valley”, (ep 93, 08/06/18).  “Skeptiod”, (ep 599, 28/11/17)(ep 602, 19/12/17)(ep 603, 27/12/17)(ep 607, 23/01/18)(ep 626, 05/06/18).  “Soundtracking With Edith Bowman”, (ep 92, 01/06/18).  “Strange Times”, (ep 265, 01/06/18)(ep 266, 02/06/18).  “The Aggy Fox Podcast”, (ep 32, 06/06/18).  “The Adam Buxton Podcast”, (ep 77, 07/06/18).  “The Rabbit Hole”, (ep 56, 07/06/18).  “Morrissey”, “Crash Test Dummies”, “Blur”, “Pj Harvey”, “Kate Bush”, “Fleetwood Mac”, “Florence And The Machine”, “INEX”.    

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in Essex, East and West London (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 206 Saturday 26^thMay until Friday 1^stJune 2018.

Spent a lovely day in deepest Essex with bowling chums “Lunge” and “Calamity”.  We weren’t bowling or to attend that weekends “Cider and Sausage festival” but ate lots of pub food and a couple of drinks.  Lunge may have been left worried, as I stated that Calamity had bulldozed her garden and converted it into a practice bowling alley.  Could this strategy affect her future game?  Thinking about this, I might have more success by putting chewing gum in the finger holes of her bowling ball.

  “An old pic of Lunge, Calamity and me”.  “Lunge and her excellent cross stitch”. 
 
The last weekend was the second bank holiday in a row when that hot yellow ball in the sky appeared.  As a result, a lot of people, including myself, decided to uncover bits that haven’t seen sunlight in months.  After seeing my reflection I’ve decided that I should learn to cover up.

 “Enjoyed a lot of pub grub”.

This leads me to bullies.  At the train station in the early evening, coming home we passed a couple of kids aged under 11 sitting on the bridge over the tracks.  As I stepped onto the platform a young voice shouted out “Oi, you in the pink shorts I’ll have you”.  I’m grateful for just being called “Oi” as over the years I have been called a lot worse by much scarier people.  This didn’t worry me; I turned to Calamity and said “you and who’s army?”.  I did wonder what he would have said if I had turned round.  Knowing my luck he could have been carrying a knife –  At the moment not a week goes by without yet another sad report of a stabbing in the capital – Or of course he could have laughed, smiled and just thrown something at me.  Alternatively he could have turned and ran away.  These days everyone has to be careful. 

 “It really was this hot in an Essex living room”.

It did make me wonder why he was hanging around on a pleasant Sunday evening sitting on a train station bridge.  Most children I know would be plugged in to a console or watching TV.  If he thinks he’s seen everything, I could definitely name a few classics that were banned when I was small.  Anyone who had a VHS of “The Evil Dead” or “Driller Killer” could demand any price for rental.

 “Sign, what sign”.

I was not upset that he shouted at me, in fact it was funny.  A huge part of me felt sorry for him and I did wonder what his life is like.  Of course he might have a wonderful, very happy life and was just hanging around with a friend.  But I can’t help thinking about that moment.

 “These are not my dirty knees”.

At least someone noticed my new pink shorts…

And Now For Something Completely Different……

Over the long weekend I visited “Belfast”, “Coventry”, “Perth” and “Swansea” without leaving the comfort of the sofa.  The BBC put on “Biggest Weekend”, 4 locations with about 120 acts (I did start counting but got distracted so it’s an approx figure).  The event was shown across BBC tv and radio, as well as online.

 “I was not impressed to find myself here, while on the way to work”.
 
Many of the acts I have been a fan of for years.  A couple were relatively new so this was the first time seeing them “live”.  I haven’t been to a festival in years, I have many happy blurred memories of sleeping in tents that were too short, cheap and nasty food, drinking out of plastic cups, horrible loos (desperately trying not to do a number two while there) and walking around all night wrapped in a blanket watching the sun come up with other zombiefied lost souls who for a few minutes you connect with and never see again.

 “I’m going to print this sign from a hand dryer.  As it’s how i feel everyday at work”.
 
These events must be the biggest congregations of people from different backgrounds, class and ethnicity all together for the same reason.  Watching some acts is almost like a religious experience…. I’m particularly thinking of Florence and the Machine.  Flo was the only person I saw that really interacted with the crowd; she could have asked them to have done anything.  Maybe that’s why so many singers / groups go nuts as the power goes to their heads.

  “Waiting at the Dr, there was plenty to do”. 

Of course I enjoyed all the acts I saw –  there are a couple that I still need to watch which are downloaded – but my faves were,  in no particular order, “The Breeders”, ”Courtney Barnett”, “Simple Minds” however it’s “Florence and the Machine” who stole the show.

 “Happy B’day to my brother this week”.

Over the years I’ve enjoyed many festivals while sitting on the sofa “Glasto”, “Reading” or “V”…. but you can’t beat actually being there…experiencing the sound live, the crowd and the terrible smell of the chemical loos.  Thinking about it, maybe sitting on the sofa is better.

  “I’m ready for Solo, with a few snacks”.

Is this the right time to admit I watched one “Taylor Swift” song?  It’s the song my niece and I dance to.  Honest, it was only the one song.
 
And Finally…… 

The neighbour brought round some mocktails he had made.  What a sweet gesture.

 “Its the truth”.

 A friend I won’t name (was named earlier) said, when talking about blister plasters, called them “blaster pisters”.

 “Writing this shiz, it’s an umbrella honest”.

Special thanks again to TR for grammar help this week.

My Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:  

“BBC Music: Biggest Weekend”: “Courtney Barnett”, “Franz Ferdinand”, “Manic Street Preachers”, “The Breeders”, (TX: 25/05/18).  “Ash”, “Chvrches”, “First Aid Kit”, “Neneh Cherry”, “Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds”, “Simple Minds”, “Soak”, (TX: 26/05/18).  “Christine And The Queens”, “Florence And The Machine”, “Snow Patrol”, Taylor Swift”, (TX: 27/05/18).  “Click”, (TX: 26/05/18).  “Have I Got News For You”, (S55, ep 9, TX: 01/06/18).  “High & Dry”, (S1, ep 5).  “Humans”, (S3, ep 3).  “Later…. With Jools Holland (Live)”, (S52, ep 2, TX: 20/05/18)(ep 3, TX: 22/05/18)(ep 4, TX: ep 4, 29/05/18).  “Missions”, (S1, ep 5 & ep 6).  “NASA Triumph And Tragedy: One Small Step”, (ep 1, TX: 24/06/09)(ep 2, TX: 01/07/09).  “Peter kay’s Carshare”, (S2, ep 4)(The Final, TX; 28/05/18).  “Solo: A Star Wars Story”, (2018).  “Springwatch 2018”, (ep 1, TX: 28/05/18)(ep 2, TX: 29/05/18)(ep 3, TX: 30/05/18)(ep 4, TX: 31/05/18).  “Star Trek (ENT)”, (S4, ep 5 to ep 22).  “The Golden Girls”, (S7, ep 11 & ep 12).  “The Graham Norton Show”, (S23, ep 8, TX: 25/05/18).  “The Sky At Night Guide: 2 Galaxies”, (TX: 24/05/18).

This week I have mainly been listening to:

“Chasing Earhart”, (ep 45, 27/05/18).  “Grief Cast”, (ep 29, 28/03/18)(ep 39, 30/05/18).  “Iain Lee (Bonus)”, (29/05/18).  “Iain Lee (Highlights)”, (25/05, 28/05, 29/05, 31/05).  “In Poor Taste”, (ep 61, 15/02/17).  “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (26/05, 27/05/18).  “NASA: Houston We Have A Podcast”, (ep 46, 25/05/18).  “NASA: In Silicon Valley”, (ep 8, 14/09/16)(ep 44, 14/06/17)(Bonus16/06/17)(ep 92, 25/05/18)9ep 93, 01/06/18).  “Skeptiod”, (ep 581, 25/07/17)(ep 582, 01/08/17)(ep 625, 25/05/18).  “Soundtracking With Edith Bowman”, (ep 91, 25/05/18).  “Strange Times”, (ep 264, 26/05/18).  “The Rabbit Hole”, (ep 55, 31/05/18).  “Morrissey”, “The Breeders”, “Throwing Muses”, “Manic Street Preacher”, “Courtney Barnett”, “Ash”, “Erasure”, “Deee-Lite”, “The Killers”.    

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in Northamptonshire, East and West London (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 205 Saturday 19^thMay until Friday 25^thMay 2018.

Last weekend I spent time in the countryside with mum and one of my sisters.  Mum doesn’t live in the sticks, but a small village which to me as a city gal is the countryside.  Within a few minutes I can be surrounded by fields with traditional animal farms or fields of modern solar panels.  One of my favourite things is to visit the Grand Union Canal which is about a 30 to 40 mins walk down twisty, turny country lanes.  The walk takes longer than it should because I can’t help stopping to enjoy fields occupied by Cows, Horses and Deer (not altogether of course).  Occasionally a wild bunny or something smaller will make an appearance in the tall grass.

  “Thank you mum and Hel for letting me eat and drink everything”. 
 
At the canal, after leaning precariously over the water, looking into the mouth of a long dark tunnel, trying to see if there are any canal boats approaching (one day I will fall in), I will look for shady spot to sit and draw, paint or just enjoy the scenery.   I love nature and always watch programmes like Springwatch, but, shamefully, I don’t know the names of a lot of common birds (I’m a thicko nature fan).  Highlight of my visit were a couple of majestic swans resting on the tow path together before paddling in the water, and a duck being followed by a group of ducklings all in a hurry.

   “I am informed that the Cows do pay Council Tax for that Wendy house”.
 
Being brought up in the city you would expect me to be comfortable in the concrete jungle; nothing could be further from the truth.  When I lived in Mozambique (I’m returning next year) most of my down time was spent on my own, watching films or TV downloads. When there was power I enjoyed the internet. Drawing and painting always pleases me. Walking on the beach, watching Crabs running in to the surf or glimpsing a Humpback breaching at depth was always a special site.  More and more people are living in London and everyone is in a hurry, this makes me appreciate the countryside even more.

   “I really love spending time by the canal”.
 
In the UK I love Scotland, and have been lucky enough over the years to have visited a number of cities and towns.  But the area I really would like to explore is the Highlands and Islands.  Over the weekend mum joked about me one day retiring. I pointed out that people of my age will never retire.  I will work till I drop.  However, if life were to change through being paid a few pounds for being creative, I would like to disappear and explore that beautiful part of the UK.  Maybe that might give me the opportunity to learn the names of common birds.  Apart from a good internet link and art supplies, the only other items I would really need is plenty of factor 50 (the sun must shine now and then in that area of Scotland) and insect spray.  Yes, I could be happy living like a hobbit – without the hairy feet of course.

   “These Swans and Ducks, really made my weekend”.
 
And Now For Something Completely Different……

   “I don’t have the patients to garden, i’ll enjoy mums”. 

You would never know from reading this badly constructed ramble, that I spent hours writing and re-reading this mess, trying to make sense of what my fingers have typed.  It was pointed out in a nice way last week that very little grammar is used, which I ashamedly admit is true.

   “I suppose it was a weekend of food and drink, oh what the heck”.
 
As a child of the 70s, help in schools for children who needed a little extra didn’t exist (not that I remember), unlike today.  For a period of time in junior school, myself and other children who were deemed thick, would sit in a van (with windows) and draw while to the rest of the class did proper lessons.  School of course can’t be completely blamed, I am 50% responsible.  I didn’t enjoy reading until I discovered Target “Doctor Who” novelizations in the late 70s, before that I could be found with my nose in comics, but I suspect this was mainly because I loved the drawings.

 “I chose poorly, by going to work looking like an explosion in a curtain factory”.
 
I regret so much which is why I tell my nephews and niece to study, listen, and importantly, ask questions. After all, education is only for a short period of their life.  The last thing I want is for them to end up like me, a middle aged thicko with very few prospects for their remaining years.  I am pretty certain that they will succeed and be a credit to their parents.  Of course I wish I had worked harder, but also that the school had helped me, instead of letting me rot in a corner to dream while looking out of the window.  Something I do at work still today.

  “Indian sweets from the neighbours.  Brought back happy childhood memories”.
 
It’s not impressive that someone of my age is not very good with grammar; this is something that needs to be improved.  The challenge has been accepted! Maybe, as a result, this blog will be better and might attract more readers.

  “If you lost a hat on the District Line, i saw it at Richmond”.
 
And Finally……

 “One of my fave roads to walk in the countryside”.
 
Hearing that a train was late because it had to be rebooted (turned on and off) because of a security camera fault did make me chuckle.

 “Special announcement”.
 
Special thanks TR for grammar help this week.

 “Writing this shiz, with painful blisters”.

My Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:  

“Click”, (TX: 19/05/18).  “Countryfile”, (TX: 20/05/18).  “Doctor Who”, (S28/S2, ep 7 & ep 8).  “Have I Got News For You”, (S55, ep 7, TX: 18/05/18)(ep 8, TX: 25/05/18).  “High & Dry”, (S1, ep 3 & ep 4).  “Home From Home”, (S1, ep 5 & ep 6).  “How It’s Made”, (S1, ep 10, 2001).  “Humans”, (S3, ep 2).  “Missions”, (S1, ep 3 & ep 4).  “Neanderthal: Meet Your Ancestors”, (S1, ep 2, TX: 20/05/18).  “Red Dwarf XI”, (S11, ep 1).  “Star Trek (ENT)”, (S3, ep 3 & ep 24)(S4, ep 1 to ep 4).  “The City And The City”, (S1, ep 4).  “The Graham Norton Show”, (S23, ep 7, TX: 18/05/18).  “The Last Man On The Moon”, (2014)(TX: 16/05/18).  “The Martian”, (2015).  “The Sky At Night Guide: 1 Planet”, (TX: 17/05/18).

This week I have mainly been listening to:

  “Brian Gittens And Friends”, (ep 37, 25/05/18).  “Chasing Earhart”, (ep 44, 20/05/18).  “Grief Cast”, (ep 18, 10/01/18)(ep 20, 24/01/18)(ep 38, 22/05/18).  “Iain Lee (Bonus)”, (24/05/18).  “Iain Lee (Highlights)”, (17/05, 18/05, 21/05, 23/05, 24/05/18).  “In Poor Taste”, (ep 62, 25/02/17)(ep 63, 03/03/17)(ep 97, 25/05/18).  “LBC Podcast: Mystery Hour”, (24/05/18).  “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (18/05, 19/05, 20/05, 25/05/18).  “NASA: Houston We Have A Podcast”, (ep 45, 18/05/18).  “NASA: In Silicon Valley”, (ep 91, 19/05/18).  “Skeptiod”, (ep 583, 08/08/17)(ep 624, 22/05/18).  “Soundtracking With Edith Bowman”, (ep 90, 18/05/18).  “Strange Times”, (ep 262, 11/05/18)(ep 263, 12/05/18).  “The Rabbit Hole”, (ep 54, 24/05/18).  “Treasure Quest”, (BBC Three Counties Radio, TX: 19/05/18).  “Morrissey”, “M.I.A”, “Foo Fighters”, “Florence And The Machine”, “The Killers”, “Bowie”, “Kate Bush”, “Deee-Lite”.    

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in East and West London, Surrey & Northamptonshire (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 204 Saturday 12^thMay until Friday 18^thMay 2018.

Over the last few months I have noticed that an invasion is taking place.  It doesn’t matter what shop you visit you will find them.  Look in any window display and they can be seen staring out looking cute with the power to melt even the coldest heart.  When walking around, scan the shelves you will see them printed on clothes, shoes, cuddly toys of all sizes just waiting to be hugged.  They can be seen on and in books, colouring books, DVD’s and CD’s, models that you have to paint or ready made ones finished just waiting for you to love them.  You can buy sweets and food in the shape of them, there are even packets of small colourful jellies which are described as this creatures poo.  A friend recently bought me a small key ring which when squeezed has a bubble pop out from its arse.  Over the last few months not a day has gone by without me seeing a number of them.

   “Magical Arse”.
 
Unicorns are taking over; open your eyes and you will see these magical creature everywhere.  If you have children then chances are you have either bought one or you’ve had to prize your child away as your little darling squeezes the stuffing out of a horned pony that caught there gaze.  2018 is the year of the Unicorn.

 “Looks so relaxing travelling on the river in the morning”.
 
Everybody love a Corny, people smile when they see these magical beast.  Maybe that’s what the world needs at this time.  The news at the moment appears so sad, perhaps Unicorns should be handed out to the entire population be too loved, hugged and squeeze.  Early morning tube passengers could cuddling or use there unicorn as a pillow to dribble on instead of the shoulder of the next person.  Office workers who sit and dream their lives away watching clouds drift past could have a corny on their desk to stroke or just lovingly look at.

  “Future Clouting family heirlooms”.
 
This invasion could actually save the planet.  There are a number of hot headed world leaders (you know the ones I am talking about) who stand and beat their chests threatening to blow each other and us off the face of the planet.  Maybe the answer is to give them all a Unicorn, when they meet at these huge summits things might be more cordial if everyone was holding there horned pony of choice.  Maybe a Unicorn might calm them down and generally ease tension around the world.  Useless celebrities who have nothing better to do then continue to point out how rich and wonderful there life is might leave us all alone if they had a Unicorn to concentrate on.

 “Free sweet, oh by the timetable is changing”.
 
Unicorns have been around for a long time and will continue to enthrall for generations to come.  I am certainly a fan of these magical majestic creatures and wish they were real.  But this invasion, fad can’t last.  I for one am hoping that 2019 will be the year of the Dung Beetle invasion.  Those unsung heroes of deserts, grassland and savannas need more love and recognition.  Let’s start the Dung Beetle invasion right now….

 “I wont say who got off at the wrong stop”.
 
Now For Something Completely Different……

 “I saw a monster in the lid of my yogurt”.

I listen a lot of podcast, look at the bottom of this ramble for a list of the ones enjoyed over the last seven days.
 
This week one of the pods I enjoyed was the latest Adam Buxton episode (https://soundcloud.com/adam-buxton) in which he chats with screenwriter Charlie Brooker.  Walking down the highstreets towards work I almost lost all control of my body because I was laughing so much; tears were streaming down my face.  There was a moment when I had to stop and hold on to a bollard to steady myself.

 “Such a lovely colour”.
  
Because this was rush hour there were a lot of people passing in the opposite direction, to them I probably looked like an old fashioned village idiot laughing and smiling to herself oblivious of the outside world.  I mentioned I almost lost control of myself, that right I nearly wet because the podcast was so funny.  As the tears cleared I noticed a man pass with a smile on his face.  This was the boss of my entire department.  As a rule I try not to worry what others think of me anymore, but that morning I really must have looked at a mess.

 “Made a friend while waiting for my drink”.
 
As soon as I arrived in the office the first thing I did was send him an email, trying to explain.  He replied back saying he thought I was enjoying something funny and totally understood.  I wonder if that would have been a good excuse to have gone home, “Sorry I can’t come to work, I pissed myself listening to Adam Buxton and Charlie Brooker”.  Such a funny episode, just be careful where you listen to it.

  “Hello Northamptionshire

And Finally……

Heard women say “sometimes they swing both way”.  I assume she was talking about the door she had been pushing when she needed to pull.
  
Spoke to a Tina ringing up for a Nina, it made me laugh first thing on a Monday.

 “Writing this shiz, high on sugar”.

 My Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:  

“Are You Being Served”, (S3, ep 3).  “Back To The Land With Kate Humble”, (S2, ep 1, TX: 08/05/18)(ep 2, TX: 09/05/18).  “B.F.G”, (2017).  “Click”, (TX: 12/05/18).  “Comedy Shorts: Sara Pascoe vs Monogamy”, “Wonderdate”, The Mind Of Herbert Chunderdunk”, Nick Helm: The Killing Machine”, (TX: 12/05/18).  “Constantine”, (S1, ep 1).  “Dads Army”, (S7, ep 4).  “Hi-De-Hi”, (S2, ep 3)(S6, ep 2).  “Humans”, (S2, ep 8)(S3, ep 1).  “Kiss Me First”, (S1, ep 6).  “Missions”, (S1, ep 1 & ep 2).  “Neanderthal: Meet Your Ancestors”, (S1, ep 1, TX: 13/05/18).  “Pebble Mill At One: Doctor Who Special”, (TX: 1973).  “Safe”, (S1, ep 2).  “Star Trek (ENT)”, (S2, ep 1 to ep 26)(S3, ep 1 & ep 2).  “The Grand Tour”, (S2, ep 11, TX: 16/02/18).  “The Sky At Night”, (13/05/18).      

This week I have mainly been listening to:

 “Chasing Earhart”, (ep 43, 13/05/18).  “Don’t Quit Your Daycast”, (ep 26, 11/09/12).  “Grief Cast”, (ep 9, 31/05/17)(ep 12, 29/11/17).  “Iain Lee (Bonus)”, (11/05, 16/05/18).  “Iain Lee (Highlights)”, (10/05, 11/05, 14/05, 15/05, 16/05/18).  “LBC Podcast: Mystery Hour”, (17/05/18).  “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (12/05, 18/05/18).  “NASA: In Silicon Valley”, (ep 6, 31/08/16)(08/05/17)(ep 35, 20/04/17).  “Skeptiod”, (ep 577, 27/06/17)(ep 579, 11/07/17)(ep 598, 21/11/17)(ep 609, 06/02/18)(ep 610, 13/02/18)(ep 611, 20/02/18)(ep 612, 27/02/18)(ep 617, 03/04/18)(ep 623, 15/05/18).  “Soundtracking With Edith Bowman”, (ep 89, 16/05/18).  “The Adam Buxton Podcast”, (ep 76, 13/05/18).  “Morrissey”, “Artic Monkeys”, “Pulp”, “Gorillaz”, “The Seedy Seeds”, “Prince”, “Goldfrapp”, “The Prodigy”, “Faithless”, “Courtney Barnett”, “Anthony Newley (Goldfinger)”.   

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in East and West London, Surrey & Kent (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 203 Saturday 5^thMay until Friday 11^thMay 2018.

Hands up who loves free stuff, everyone loves a freebie.  When my nephews and niece see a “free” badly taped gift on the front of their fave magazine they don’t realise that the gift has been factored in to the price of the mag.  Or staff outside a shop holding a tray with samples hoping to entice you inside, even these are not free.  Occasionally at a large train station there will be beautiful people handing out promotional products such as cans of drink or chocolate bars.  I’ll admit there have been times when I have gone from vendor to vendor leaving with a collecting of sugary products to enjoy later.  But even these are not actually free.

  “Its a pretty time of the year in the garden”.
 
I definitely love free things.  Last weekend I came home from shopping with two things for “free”.  On both occasions the items were from large shops which should have been paid for.  Before any clever dick shouts out “tea leaf”, these items were places on the conveyor belt and missed by the sales assistants.  The first was situated on top of another product which was missed completely as the bottom box was slide across the scanner.  The second item was actually handled by the cashiers who said “I think this is yours” and put it in my shopping bag.  In both incidents I wasn’t hiding anything, apart from not speaking up.

  “As my shade disappeared i moved around the garden”.
 
Last weekend I walked out of both shops feeling like I had won the lottery.  The total value of these items was about £5.00, as you can tell I’m easily pleased.  A few years ago this would have really worried me; in fact I would have said something.  But now I have come to realise that there are far more important things to worry about in life.  As with most people I am honest, in fact I am a terrible liar.  But time and time again it feels like the people who lie, cheat and play their way to the top seem to receive all the riches (and I’m not just talking monetary).  While good honest folk get their faces pushed deeper and deeper in to the mire by a size 12 boot.  My two little freebies didn’t change the world and probably wouldn’t have costs the companies anything in reality.  As I said it wasn’t my error that they were missed but as I walked out of the shops for me it felt like a small success against that machine that others call “the system”. 

 “It would have been wrong not to”.
 
Now For Something Completely Different……

  “Enjoyed my our trip to Kent”.

Velcro ® is extremely useful and fun to pull apart.  Ask most people and they will tell you that it’s was a spin off from the space race; these are product created for use in space which has now found a use in everyday life.  Looking into its history (on Wiki) it turns out that it was actually created in 1941 by a Swiss engineer George de Mistral. 

  “People everywhere, enjoying the sun on a bank holiday”.
 
Get to the point, I can imagine you shouting.

   “Didn’t know Morris dancing was still so popular”.
 
One product which uses this helpful creation is shoes.  Over the years I have helped my 3 nephews and niece to fasten there footwear with the help of these sticky strips.  Another group of people whose shoes use this clever invention are older people.  During this week I bought sandals that use Velcro ®.  Normally I wouldn’t have looked at theses, but my office has a dress code which states flip flops are enemy number one and sandals “must have“ a back strap, this forced me to buy something.

  “Even Dickens had a good time”.
 
Because I have larger than the average feet I find tough sometimes to buy suitable footwear.  But there are a couple of shops which don’t make me look as if I have a pair oil tankers hanging off the end of my legs.  Initially I was turned off from buying these because of the way that they fastened as I imagined them being worn by a retired woman who gets out once or twice a week to buy a newspaper and knock children off their bikes as they ride past on the pavement.

 “I could get to enjoy gardening”.
 
But looking at them I soon realised that they were perfect for what I needed.  No one’s going to look at them closely and notice that there is not a delicate buckle on the strap.  Surely I “choose wisely” (a quote from a fave film) because in an emergency I would be able to slip them off quicker than others screaming as they fiddle with small pretty clasps.  As they regret “choosing poorly”, unlike that ugly moo with oil tankers strapped to her feet fastened by Velcro ®.  Thank you George de Mistral for saving my life due to **.

 “My new old lady sandals”.
 

(** insert disaster natural or otherwise here).

And Finally……

 “Always have to visit for cake and coffee”.

Spent bank holiday Monday in Rochester, which was full of chimney sweeping Morris dancers with bells strapped around ankles.  MOZ and I really enjoyed cake and coffee in Tiny Tims. 

 “You can visit Tiny Tims at “http://tinytimsrochester.co.uk/.
 
I was congratulated during my 1 to 1 on having only 1hr 8 mins of “comfort break” during April.  That’s a lot of piss.  People close to me already knew I was full of it.

 “Writing this shiz, yes someone does”.

My Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:  

“Click”, (TX: 05/05/18).  “Have I Got News For You”, (S55, ep 6, TX: 11/05/18).  “High & Dry”, (S1, ep 1 & 2).  “Home From Home”, (S1, ep 4).  “Kiss Me First”, (S1, ep 6).  “Lost In Space (2018)”, (S1, ep 1).  “Peter Kay’s Car Share Unscripted”, (TX: 07/05/18).  “Secrets Of The Super Elements”, (S1, ep 1, TX: 24/05/17).  “Star Trek (ENT)”, (S1, ep 1 to ep 26).  “Star Trek (VOY)”, (S7, ep 22 to ep 26).  “The Crystal Maze”, (S8/S2, ep 4 , TX: 06/05/18).  “The Golden Girls”, (S7, ep 8 to ep 10).  “The Graham Norton Show”, (S23, ep 5, TX: 04/05/18)(ep 6, TX: 11/05/18).

This week I have mainly been listening to:

“Chasing Earhart”, (ep 8, 31/08/17)(ep 42, 06/05/18).  “Don’t Quit Your Daycast”, (ep 25, 05/09/12).  “Grief Cast”, (ep 34, 25/04/18)(ep 36, 09/05/18).  “Iain Lee (Highlights)”, (04/05, 07/05, 08/05, 09/05/18).  “In Poor Taste”, (ep 19, 26/04/15)(ep 20, 09/05/15).  “LBC Podcast: Mystery Hour”, (10/05/18).  “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (05/05, 11/05/18).  “NASA: Houston We Have A Podcast”, (ep 44, 11/05/18).  “NASA: In Silicon Valley”, (ep 89, 03/05/18)(ep 90, 11/05/18).  “Skeptiod”, (ep 595, 31/10/17)(ep 620, 24/04/18)(ep 622, 08/05/18).  “Soundtracking With Edith Bowman”, (ep 88, 05/05/18).  “Strange Times”, (ep 261, 06/05/18).  “The Adam Buxton Podcast”, (ep 75, 06/05/18).    “Morrissey”, “Air”, “Artic Monkeys”, “Gun’s And Roses”, “Kasabian”, “The Manic Street Preachers”, “Haim”, “Faithless”, “The Belle Stars”.    

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in Surrey, East and West London (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 202 Saturday 28^thApril until Friday 4^thMay 2018.

Last weekend Aunty MOZ and I looked after Anoodle and Jbomb.  One highlight was a spontaneous trip to a local craft centre where the kids painted pottery money boxes.  When I was at senior school each term my class would concentrate on metal work, wood work or pottery all of which I enjoyed.  My parents had read the parenting rulebook and always put on that special smile when presented with shiz I had made.

   “Enjoyable messy fun on a rainy Sunday”.
 
I hope in the future the kids (including my brother’s boys) will get the chance at school to do pottery, wood and metal work.  However the way things are going it could all be virtual, which would please parent due to lack of mess but would never be as much fun for the kids.  Children need to get messy sometimes.

  “These works of art are priceless”.
 
During the painting Jbomb noticed that there were lollypop’s for sale.  This is when MOZ and I became “Good Aunty “and “Bad Aunty”.   Children love sweets and have to be told occasionally that they can’t have them.   However “Good Aunty” gave in which didn’t impress “Bad Aunty” (for the record Aunty MOZ is great with the kids, it’s a nickname honest) I am far too soft and the kids know this.  My thinking behind caving in was if he had the lolly then he would want to finish his painting.  Of course he wasn’t hungry; he had eaten well that day, he saw the lolly’s and wanted a lolly.  As soon as he was holding the confectionary he disappeared under the table saying “I’ll save that for when I get home” making it clear he was finished being arty.  I need to be more “Bad Aunty” on occasions like that; they can’t have everything all the time.

 “Anoodle putting Aunty MOZ in her place”. 
 
Hopefully those money boxes will become family heirlooms passed down to future members of the family.  Let’s hope that my sister and hubby have read the parenting e-rulebook and have that special smile ready when they are presented with their little darling’s works of art.

Now For Something Completely Different……

  “Good Aunty and Bad Aunty”.

After a few months laziness, I have started swimming again.  When I leave the office all I can think about is getting to the pool as quickly as possible.  My heart sinks when I arrive and there is only one person on the desk at such a busy time.  From other people’s body language it’s not just me that’s frustrated while queueing.  Often the problem is one customer might be filling in multiple forms or asking 20 questions about the pool and other facilities.  From the queue I am able to see the turnstiles that lead to the pool area which most of the time there open.  There is nothing stopping me from strolling through like other people.  But I stand there and wait my turn even though I’m in a hurry.  The quicker I swim, the sooner I will be home and in bed.  But if I did make a rush for the barriers I can guarantee I would be stopped and banned for life.

  “Don’t Blink”.
 
No matter how posh the pool is the changing rooms are always grubby and grotty.  I desperately try not to touch the floor with bare feet, and would rather swim bursting for the loo and use the toilets afterward on dry side.  If anything, wanting a wee makes me swim faster, however this means I have to concentrate harder on counting the number of lengths completed.  Knowing my luck, if I did wee in the pool that urban myth which states that the water would turn a strange colour would come true. 

 “Someone at work was very hungry”. 
 
One thing that really annoys me are lockers.  After changing I walk around in my cozzie, carrying bags, wearing shoes looking all “beached bloated ready” trying to find a locker with a key in the door.  The thought of that image really disturbs me, so I don’t want others to see it.  Time after time I open a door and find belongings which someone has left while they swim.  It costs a pound to lock the lockers which you get this back when you reopen the door.

  “Travelling to work like this would be so peaceful”. 
 
I love to swim, but the stress doesn’t end when my big toe touches the water.  That’s when “pool rage” takes over after I see how busy the lane is full of slow people bobbing around like ice bergs.

  “Early May, early evening”.

 And Finally……
 
This week I felt like a child being praised because potty training had gone well, there had not been a steaming pile left on the carpet.

  “Spotted a da Vinci on the tube”.
 
My boss came over to congratulate me on the fact that in April I was late once.  The reason I was only late once is because I am now getting up well before sparrow fart due to the terrible train service in the capital.

 “late night visit to the village hall”. 
 
Yes earlier this week I had an adult (younger than me) stand over me saying how well I had done.  It wasn’t a great way to start a week or a new month if I’m honest things can only get better.  Unless I am late that is.

 “Writing this shiz, on the move”.

My Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:  

“Click”, (TX: 28/04/18).  “Cunk On Britian”, (S1, ep 5, TX: 01/05/18).  “Have I Got News For You”, (S55, ep 5, TX: 04/05/18).  “Home From Home”, (S1, ep 2 & ep 3).  “Kiss Me First”, (S1, ep 5).  “Lego Star Wars: The Freemaker Adventures”, (S1, ep 5).  “Oliver”, (1968).  “Paddington 2”, (2017).  “Rampage”, (2018).  “Star Trek (TNG)”, (S4, ep 18).  “Star Trek (VOY)”, (S6, ep 18 to ep 26)(S7, ep 1 to ep 21).  “The Crystal Maze”, (S8/S2, ep 3 , TX: 29/04/18).  “The Graham Norton Show”, (S23, ep 4, TX: 27/04/18).  “The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring”, (2001).  “Top Gear”, (S7, ep 7, TX: 12/02/06)(S10, ep 4,TX: 04/11/07).  “Thunderbirds Are Go”, (S3, ep 5).  “Waffle The Wonderdog”, (S1, ep 13).

This week I have mainly been listening to:

“Brian Gittens And Friends”, (ep 36, 27/04/18).  “Chasing Earhart”, (ep 41, 28/04/18).  “Grief Cast”, (Bonus ep, 08/04/18)(ep 32, 11/04/18)(ep 35, 02/05/18).  “Iain Lee (Bonus)”, (03/05/18).  “Iain Lee (Highlights)”, (30/04, 01/05, 02/05/18).  “In Poor Taste”, (ep 96, 28/04/18).  “LBC Podcast: Mystery Hour”, (03/05/18).  “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (28/04, 04/05/18).  “NASA: Gravity Assist”, (02/05/18).  “NASA: Houston We Have A Podcast”, (ep 42, 27/04/1809ep 43, 04/05/18).  “NASA: In Silicon Valley”, (ep 88, 27/04/18).  “Skeptiod”, (ep 574, 06/05/17)(ep 575, 13/06/17)(ep ep 580, 18/07/17)(ep 591, 03/10/17)(ep 592, 10/10/17)(ep 594, 24/10/17)(ep 621, 01/05/18).  “Soundtracking With Edith Bowman”, (ep 87, x30/04/18).  “Strange Times”, (ep 256, 24/04/18)(ep 257, 25/04/18)(ep 258, 26/04/18)(ep 259, 27/04/18)(ep 260, 28/04/18).  “The Adam Buxton Podcast”, (ep 74, 28/04/18).  “The Aggy Fox Podcast”, (ep 31, 30/04/18).  “The Angelos And Barry Show”, (30/04/18).  “The Rabbit Hole”, (ep 52, 03/05/18).  “Morrissey”, “Transvision Vamp”, “Babybird”, “Adam And The Ants”, “ABBA”, “Suede”, “Pulp”, “Supergrass”, “Blur”.