Misfits Mid-Life Crisis……..

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in East and London & Surrey (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 161 Saturday 15^th July until Friday 21^st July 2017.

Since late last year I have been going regularly to Ariel yoga hoping that I might strengthen the muscles around my increasing equatorial region.  This is a gentle, meditative way of stretching muscles, which involves occasionally standing but most of the time sitting or lying in a sling made of parachute material hanging from the ceiling.  Every time I go my favourite part of the session is hanging upside down, which I have been told I have a good tolerance for.

 This is not me, or my pic.  But it gives you an idea of what i like to do at the weekend.

Last weekend whist upside down I tried a new exercise in which I took a leg out of the sling to stretch a tight hamstring.  Being upside down can sometimes be a little confusing and disorientating, or at least that’s my excuse.  I skilfully unwrapped my leg from around the material that allowed me to defy gravity, when immediately and unceremoniously I slipped out of the sling and hit the floor landing on the top of my head.  However, I was congratulated as my forward roll recovery was quite impressive.  Of course, this all hurt, but I laughed and smiled all embarrassed as I climbed straight back into the sling and returned to a relaxed upside down posture.  As I did this of course, I glanced up to check that the sling hadn’t suffered a catastrophic rip, it hadn’t.  The accident was my fault.

  Enjoyed a drink, as my head, neck and back hurt.

                       Note to self: Always keep at least one leg wrapped around the thin but very                            strong sling material when upside down”.

  Then we enjoyed a really lovely and well earned meal.

Luckily, I didn’t concuss myself.  This reminded me of an occasion in the mid-90s when I worked in a sci-fi shop.  One day there was a long square box left empty on the shop floor, just asking for me to climb inside and wear it.  The next thing I remember I was inside the box running around with a small hole just big enough for me to see where I was going.  Of course, a situation like that could only end in tears, and shortly after I had entertained anyone watching I tripped and fell forward.  The box completely covered me from head to toe with my arms held firmly against my side, as I fell towards the carpet I had no way of breaking my fall.  The next couple days were spent feeling confused and spaced out at home on the sofa.  I learnt a major lesson that day not to trust a random cardboard box inviting me to play, I needed real friends.

 I am certain i wasn’t concussed when i saw a real Moomin in London.

With both these incidents I was lucky that there were no phones around.  Of course, back in the mid-90s there were no smart phones and social media didn’t exist so I was saved the embarrassment of becoming a viral sensation.

  Stylish as ever.

There are people that say exercise is bad for you; I would imagine that they would class falling from a low height directly on to the head as proof.  But I am really looking forward to the next yoga session, plus I need to be active.  Running is an activity I haven’t done for a while due to worry about dodgy knees, but I have decided to enquire about into joining a local running club.  My spreading equatorial region must be halted.

 Everyday i pass this can, and i want to lick it.  I love the colour.

And Now For Something Completely Different…… 

 Celebrating the arrival of the 13th Doctor, with a Cornetto.

One of my short films scripts is currently being turned into a radio play.  I sent a few scripts to a guy who contacted me saying he would like to adapt one of the most visual stories into an audio short play.  He asked if I could get my niece to record a line and sing a nursery rhyme, because early in the script there is a flashback to a character when she was young.

 One of us will be a star one day. 

The original short story was written long before my niece was born, I only adapted it into a short film script recently.  We sat together listening and singing the nursery rhyme until it was in her head.  As I recorded her I mimed the words and did actions to help her, but she didn’t really need me.  She’s a star in the making that needed no direction.  Later that evening I recorded my sister and myself because there are a couple of additional characters who needed voices, and I love to show off.

  The Jbomb was looking up how to be a voice over agent.  While Anoodle made a prezzie for Uncle Ian.

For me this is all very exciting, I am really looking forward to seeing my niece’s reaction to hearing herself in a radio play.  Being a creative person, I am fully aware that I will always have to do a normal boring job to pay the bills and just survive.  But my head has so many creative ideas floating around all wanting me to do something with them.  I need to sit down and concentrate on one thing at a time; this is why nothing ever gets finished.  It’s time to go a little old school and write a list of ideas of what can and can’t actually be completed and achieved.

And Finally……

 Writing this shiz, while being distracted.

Quote of the week, overheard a woman say to a friend “Amazons deals of the day is my new porn”.

For the first time ever I got asked for ID when buying alcohol in a supermarket, I thought it was so funny.

  Caught red handed just after 7am, now i know who’s been digging in MOZ’s garden.

My Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:  

“60 Day’s In Jail”, (S2, ep 2).  “Being Human”, (S1, ep 2 to ep 5).  “Buffy The Vampire Slayer”, (S6, ep 14 to ep 22)(S7, ep 1 to ep 3).  “Click”, (TX: 15/07/17).  “Detectorist”, (S2, ep 3).  “Dissected”, (ep 1).  “Doctor Who: Meet The Thirteenth Doctor”, (TX: 16/07/17).  “Emu’s World”, (S3, ep 3).  “Game Of Thrones”, (S6, ep 3 to ep 6).  “Horizon: Dippy And The Whale”, (TX: 13/07/17).  “Stacey Dooley Investigates: Kids Selling Drugs Online”, (TX: 14/07/17).  “Strange Times VideoCast”, (ep 7, 01/04/14)(ep 8, 23/04/14)(ep 9, 24/12/14)(ep 10, 01/05/15).  “Storyville: The Great European Cigarette Mystery”, (TX: 17/07/17).  “Terry And Julian”, (S1, ep 5 & ep 6).  “The Last Leg”, (S11, ep 9).  “The Mash Report”, (S1, ep 1).  “Upstate Purgatory”, (TX: 11/07/17).       

This week I have mainly been listening to:   “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Bonus)”, (17/07/17).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Highlights)”, (13/07, 14/07, 18/07, 19/07/17).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Offcuts)”, (13/07/17).  “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (15/07, 21/07/17).  “Secret Cave Podcast”, (S2, ep 11)(S2: Bonus Ep).  “Soundtracking With Edith Bowman”, (ep 48, 15/07/17).  “Strange Times”, (ep 228, 14/07/17)(ep 105 & ep 104, 03/05/15)(ep 103, 27/04/15)(ep 102, 21/04/15)(ep 101, 20/04/15)(Ep 100, 12/04/15)(ep 99, 06/04/15)(ep 98, 30/03/15)(ep 97, 23/03/15).  “Strange Times ExtraCrap”, (#30, 28/04/15)(#29, 21/04/15)(#28, 15/04/15)(#27, 31/03/15)(#26, 30/12/14).  “The Aggy Fox Podcast”, (ep 3, 13/03/17).  “The Angelos And Barry Show”, (09/02/15)(21/07/17).  “The Rabbit Hole”, (ep 20, 20/07/17).  “The Spectacular mango Chuffy Show”, (ep 1 to ep 3, 01/09/14).  “These People Podcast”, (ep 31, 18/07/17).  “Morrissey”,  “Air”,  “Garbage”,  “Cornershop”,  “P.J Harvey”,  ”The Velvet Underground”,  “Fun Boy Three”, “Marc Almond”, “All About Eve”, “Cocteau Twins”.    

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in East London, Essex & Surrey (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 160 Saturday 8^th July until Friday 14^th July 2017.

I spent Saturday morning in a library, the last time I visited one was to use the internet.  I shamefully suspect that I haven’t borrowed a book from one since before the end of the last century.

 Visiting another world on a Saturday morning.

Libraries in the beige days of the 70s, were staffed by Hinge and Bracket cosplay look-a-likes who fondled strings of pearls while ready to shhh anyone who exhaled too loudly.  This was all done as they run their fingers through racks of small cards at extreme speed looking for a specific library ticket.

  Lunge showing Calamity the view she is treated to daily.

Things have changed a lot; libraries of the 21st century are modern shiny buildings full of flat screen TVs and computers with glossy magazines plus those new-fangled DVDs and CDs which can be borrowed.  The staff was young and trendy, none of them appeared to have pearls round their necks and when they smiled you could see they have all their own teeth none of which none are missing or yellow.  Looking around I didn’t see one sign held up with old Sellotape (™) threatening “KEEP QUIET or Else”.  Yes, libraries in 2017 are friendly and welcoming places.

  Jigging in the car, not heard this in years.

I love books and own a huge number that are locked away in my expensive storage, because I can’t throw them away.  I love everything about a book, the look and feel, the smell of the pages as I thumbed through them.  But these days I admit to being a downloader, I admit that I buy books which are made of “1” and “0”.

  Happy Bday Lunge.. 

The reason I was visiting a library on a Saturday, was because I was offered a relaxing free head massage.  But more importantly my friend Lunge is a Librarian, and it was her bday.  It’s always strange seeing someone you know sociably in their place of work.  This reminded me of when I was small and would visit my dad at the train station he worked at.  I used to love to watch him at work, while I pulled all the paper tickets out of the racks which of course he put back.

 “First Aid Monkey” was on duty when i visited.

After a quick tour behind the scenes and being introduced to “First Aid monkey”, the three of us (the bowling team with no name) went off to celebrate Lunges special day in style.  We had a window table booked in a vintage tea shop; one of those establishments full of miss matched crookery and oddly placed antiques.  Our mouths dropped when a huge mountain of food was placed in front of us.  This was when I heard the quote of the week from the waitress who said the food was for “two veggies and a normal”, that was no surprise I’ve never been normal.  Of course, I can only speak for myself but I enjoyed the day and climbing the food mountain.  I am confident that the Lunge enjoyed herself as well.

   One moment the food was there, the next it was gone.

It was also enjoyable being in the library looking over racks of books, seeing a number that I should read.  I believe that libraries are under threat of extinction in many areas.  I would feel sad if my local one suddenly had to close due to lack of use.  Even if we only borrowed a book now or then or used another of their valuable services maybe these buildings of knowledge will continue to be open for generations to come.

   Calamity just checking on her Cake.

And Now For Something Completely Different…… 

The last couple of years I have become addicted to podcasts, if you scroll down to the bottom of this ramble you will see a list of pods I enjoy.  A number of the podcast have been going for years clocking up a large number episode.  One show I am obsessed with is “Strange Times” *, which contains very funny adult content.   Because there are so many episodes I listen to new ones as they come out, but I am also listening to all the old ones in reverse order.

   Anoodle picked the episode she wanted to watch before bed. 

What I really find interesting is how all these Podcast have developed over time, many have a DIY feel about them.  When I was young my best friend George and I would write and produce Doctor Who stories recording them on to cassette tape (remember them).  We used sound effects records and tapes as well as other recording devices in his bedroom producing audio masterpieces.  If today’s technology had been around, I am pretty sure we would have been making podcasts.

 Everyone hates traffic.

I have recently been asked on to a couple of podcast which has been totally unexpected, including “Strange Times”.  Sitting on the bed powering up the studio (the laptop) and talking complete and utter balls with other people is a lot of fun.  This is definitely something I would like to do more of; I’m really good at talking shite.

   Treating ourselves to an adult drink on a school night.

And Finally……

Nearly being run over by a mobility scooter.  I had to step off the pavement quickly, because an elderly disabled driver clearly wasn’t going to slow down.

Overheard colleague, who said that a customer had said ”he was as useful as a snowball on crutches”.

 Writing this Shiz.

My Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:  

“50 Shades Of Gay”, (TX: 03/07/17).  “60 Day’s In Jail”, (S2, ep 1).  “Being Human”, (S1, ep 1).  “Buffy The Vampire Slayer”, (S6, ep 7 to ep 13).  “Click”, (TX: 08/07/17).  “Destination Titan”, (TX: 10/04/11).  “Detectorist”, (S2, ep 2).  “Doctor Who”, (S36/S10, ep 4).  “Game Of Thrones”, (S5, ep 10)(S6, ep 1 & ep 2).  “Have I Got A Little More News For You”, (S52, ep 1).  “Horizon: Space Volcanoes”, (2017, TX: 23/05/17).  “Horizon: Strange Signals From Outer Space”, (TX: 16/05/17).  “Science And Islam”, (ep 1, TX: 05/01/09)(ep 2, TX: 12/01/09).  “Terry And Julian”, (S1, ep 3 & ep 4).  “The British Garden: Life And Death On Your Lawn”, (11/07/17).  “The Handmaids Tale”, (S1, ep 10).  “The Last Leg”, (S11, ep 8).  “The Life Swap Adventures”, (S1, ep 5 & ep 6).  “The Search For Life: The Drake Equation”, (TX: 14/12/10).  “The Sky At Night”, (TX: 09/07/17).  “Tokyo Girls”, (TX: 27/06/17).     

This week I have mainly been listening to:   “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Bonus)”, (07/07, 10/07/17).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Highlights)”, (06/07, 07/07, 10/07, 11/07, 12/07, 13/07/17).  “LBC Podcast: Mystery Hour”, (13/07/17).  “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (13/07, 14/07/17).  “Scroobius Pip’s Distraction Pieces Podcast”, (ep 159: pt1, 13/07/17).  “Strange Times”, (ep 227, 07/07/17)(ep 112, 02/06/15)(ep 111, 01/06/15)(ep 110, 26/05/15)(ep 109, 25/05/15)(ep 108, 18/05/17)(ep 107, 08/05/15)(ep 106, 05/05/15).  “Strange Times ExtraCrap”, (ep 32, 06/06/17).  “The Aggy Fox Podcast”, (ep 2, 13/03/17)(ep 15, 12/07/17).  “The Angelos And Barry Show”, (27/01/15)(09/02/15)(13/07/17).  “The Nick Abbot Habit”, (ep 10, 13/07/17).  “The Rabbit Hole”, (ep 19, 13/07/17).  “Morrissey”,  “Beck”,  “Moby”,  “The Killers”,  “LCD Soundsystem”,  ”The Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Once More With Feeling (OST)”,  “Sigur Ros”, “Sleeper”, “St Etienne”, “Mental As Anything”.  

*  Link for “Strange Times” strangetimesshow.com.gridhosted.co.uk

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in East & Central London, Surrey (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 159 Saturday 1^st July until Friday 7^th July 2017.

When I shuffle of this mortal coil I would like to come back as a pampered pussy.  However, if I am lucky enough to become rich can I request that I am cryogenically frozen, the idea of being reanimated in the future appeals to me.  Though a more practical and realistic way of disposing of my remains would be to place my ashes in a large firework or even better a rocket launched quickly into the air.  By escaping the atmosphere, I would in a way achieve my ambition of becoming an astronaut.  Of course, I hope that none of this will be necessary for a while, but I am told it’s better to be prepared.

  Love swinging in a sling made of Parachute material.  Calamity looking through the round window. 

As I mentioned at the top of this ramble I would like to come back as a pampered pussy, one of those cats that’s loved, hugged and squeezed.  A cat that wants for nothing and preferably lives in an area where there aren’t too many cars.  The garden of where I currently live is visited regularly by a number of cats.  A busy day usually consists of lounging in the sun before getting up and then walking a few feet to a shady patch.  The rest of the day is spent going back and forth making everything look important, stopping now and then for a stretch and a tongue wash.

 “Little Tarts” entertaining me after work. 

There is one cat that I have seen regularly over the last few years, my best friend and I call her “Little Tarts”.  This cat walks us home if were spotted, she rolls around the driveway and generally makes us smile.  When I used to have a car, she would wait and jump inside.  I was always careful to make sure that “Little Tarts” wasn’t left in the car.  I used to worry that while driving on the M25 a little face would appear in the rear-view mirror, resulting in having to turn back luckily this never happened.

  I have known this fella for 16 years, he is named after Spike from Buffy. 

There is one special cat that lived with me for 13 years, I met him when he was one day old and he definitely ruled the flat.  If I could be reincarnated and live like Spike I would be very happy.  He is now 16 and lives a happy retirement with friends, making it very clear who owns the garden he enjoys daily.  I don’t see him as often as I should, but when I do he does remember me.  I think about that kitty a lot and will always love him.  It’s at this point I should give honorary mentions to Katie and Fluffy the cats who lived with my family (at separate times) in South London during the 70s, both of them made it clear who was the head  of the household.

  The sites of Barking.

You might think coming back as a pampered pussy is boring.  When I could have chosen a top predator like a Leopard, while I enjoy running I suspect that living on the savannah dodging poachers could be stressful.  I did consider a deep-sea giant like a humpback, while I love being in sea, I thought that being bullied by Orca or pestered by boats wasn’t how I would like to live.  A pretty butterfly was a thought, but some have lifespans of only a few hours others days.  I think reincarnating many times a week would get boring and tiring.

  Delight on Sunday feeding Squirrels.

I definitely think life would be so much more satisfying and simple as a pampered pussy.  I like the idea of being fussed, tickled with the occasional gentle tail pulling.  Yes, I would like to come back as a cat, a fat but healthy pampered puss.  I don’t believe is a higher being; however if by believing in humanities first superhero I could come back as a happy cat, then sign me up?

   A prezzie for a special Aunty from a young artist..

And Now For Something Completely Different…… 

This week something special happened.  My 5-year-old niece gave me a hand-written list of things that she would like me to bring during my next visit.  Being a stupid old aunty, I completely forgot to bring stuff that I had previously promised, she never forgets.  The list was completely her idea; of course I spelt what she wanted the list to say.

 The first list.

That piece of paper has become my most treasured possession.  Even more important than my Morrissey autograph from 1992 or the 1983 DWAS convention programme signed by a whole host of Doctor Who actors, many not with us anymore.

I am now expecting to receive lists on a regular basis.  Not quite sure what will happen when I start getting lists from all my nephews as well.  All I know is I definitely won’t be able to afford to be cryogenically persevered when the end comes, someone prepare the rocket instead.

And Finally……

 Oops….

Putting on a sock in preparation for Ariel yoga, my heel went through the thin material making a ripping sound.  This entertained my limping friend hugely.  Karma bit me hard on the bum at that moment.

 I spent the class looking like this, what a numpty.

A person this week wanted to check that they were on the “Electrical roll”, this made me smile.  I think that could be considered Call-Centre humour.

 Writing this Shiz, while being distracted.

My Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:  

“Buffy The Vampire Slayer”, (S5, ep 18 to ep 22)(S6,ep 1 to ep 6).  “Click”, (TX: 01/07/17).  “Doctor Who”, (S1 (1963), ep 1)(S36/S10, ep 12).  “Horizon: The Dawn Of The Driverless Car”, (2017, TX: 29/06/17).  “Invented in….The Midlands, ….The North, ….The South East, ….The South West, ….The West Country”, (TX: 23/06/17).  “Melvyn Bragg On TV: The Box That Changed The World”, (TX: 01/07/17).  “Storyville, Oink: Man Loves Pink”, (TX: 02/07/17).  “Terry And Julian”, (S1, ep 1 & ep 2).  “The Crystal Maze (2017): Celebrity Special”, (S7/S1, ep 3).  “The Doctor Who Fanshow”, (TX: 30/06/17).  “The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy”, (BBC, ep 1).  “The Graham Norton Show”, (S21, ep 13).  “The Handmaid’s Tale”, (S1, ep 6 to ep 9).  “The Hidden Art Of Islam”, (TX: 15/03/12).  “The Last Leg”, (S11, ep 7).  “The Making Of The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy”, (Docu, 1992).    

This week I have mainly been listening to:   “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Bonus)”, (30/06, 03/07 x 2, 04/07 x 2, 05/07).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Highlights)”, (30/6, 03/07, 04/07, 05/07/17).  “LBC Podcast: Mystery Hour”, (29/06, 06/07/17).  “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (01/07, 07/07/17).  “Soundtracking With Edith Bowman”, (ep 47, 30/06/17).  “Strange Times”, (ep 117, 21/06/15)(ep 115, 14/06/15)(ep 114, 09/06/15)(ep 113, 08/06/15).  “The Aggy Fox Podcast”, (ep 1, 10/03/17).  “The Angelos And Barry Show”, (06/07/17).  “The Nick Abbot Habit”, (ep 9, 30/06/17).  “These People Podcast”, (ep  30, 01/07/17).  “Morrissey”,  “The Flaming Lips”,  “Lorde”,  “The Foo Fighters”,  “Faithless”,  ”Radiohead”,  “The Cribbs”, “P.J Harvey”, Luo Reed”.    

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in East & Central London, Surrey (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 158 Saturday 24^th June until Friday 30^th June 2017.

Last weekend I traveled into London with my bowling teammates Lunge and Calamity to see a matinee performance of Ruby Wax live in her one woman show.  At the end, I clapped enthusiastically as she danced in a hula skirt to Cyndi Lauper’s “girls just want to have fun”.  The star of the show passed within feet of me as she left the small venue, I did want a piccy and autograph but she had another show 90 mins later so I thought I better not disturb her.

  A pre show drink.  My entry for the Turner prize 2017.

Most of my bowling friends enjoyed the show; I say this as one member nodded off.  I should say that this is no way representative of Ms Wax excellent show which the rest of us enjoyed.  At least there was no snoring.  Just think how bad it could have been if Ruby had stopped the show, looking out into the audience searching for a noise louder than what her microphone was picking up.  My friend was as quiet as a church mouse if you’re wondering.

  A great way to spent a Saturday afternoon.

I have occasionally nodded off in the cinema or at a live show, when the eyes become heavy it’s very difficult to control that sleepy comforting feeling.  The worst part is suddenly being woken up with a jerk as the head snaps backwards quickly.  When that happens the first thing that needs to be done is a dribble check, is there anything on the chin or cheek which shouldn’t be there.  Then there’s a sly look either side hoping that other audience members didn’t notice anything.

  Ms Wax and myself, just before she arrived on stage.
I can totally understand why my friend felt a little robbed at the fact that she missed sections of a very funny show.  But if your body needs a nap, there’s not a lot you can do about it.  Sleep is so important and speaking for myself it’s something I don’t get enough of.  Most nights I can honestly say I sleep terribly, waking up numerous times disturbing dreams that I can fly or fighting aliens.  The rest of the bowling team (all two of us) fully debriefed our sleepy friend about what they missed.  However, our delivery wasn’t anywhere near as funny as Ms Wax, which is why she entertained a room of 400 people and we didn’t.

 My Hogwarts cloak of invisibility was a great investment. 

Thinking about it there is nothing nicer than an afternoon nap.  However, I would prefer a bed, but a large auditorium full of people will do, I’m not fussy.

 I really wanted to set these chaps free.

And Now For Something “Slightly” Different (ish)…… 

While in central London the bowling team (we really need a name), had adventures with lifts old and new.

  Attempting to be an adult.

The first was a very science fiction looking almost totally glass, circular elevator.  Calamity limped inside the futuristic capsule on her crutches, followed by a couple of elderly women also on crutches and sticks.  It was at the last moment that Lunge and I decided to walk the 22 shallow steps; we really would have looked lazy if we had used the lift as well.  During the 40 seconds that the three women were confined, they bonded over their different injuries and styles of sticks and crutches.  It would have been interesting to have watched what would have happened if the lift had got stuck, who would have bludgeoned who first to survive.  My money was on the old lady with the stick.

  Anoodle and Grandma.  Watching Doctor Who while having a late night Friday evening snack.

A little later, at the National Portrait Gallery while going through an extensive bag searches I was asked by the guard what I was looking forward to seeing.  I was too embarrassed to admit we were only there for the loo, yes, I’m a philistine.  Once we were comfortable, it was decided that it might be easier for Calamity to take the lift.  This time the lift was a traditional boring old box.  It was only when Lunge and I were climbing the stairs two at a time that we discovered that the lift didn’t stop at the next floor.  A few minutes later our limping friend came down the stairs one at a time holding her crutches in one hand, not impressed she had to struggle further than necessary.  Being told that she could hear us cackling like a pack of hyenas while she was “going up” made us laugh even more.

 Writing this Shiz.

For the rest of the day Calamity didn’t let Lunge and I out of her sight.  If she was going to get stuck in a lift we were all going to be stuck in a lift, that’s equality after all.  If this happened I have a feeling I know who was going to be on the wrong end the rubber stopper at the end of her crutches.

 In the bedroom studio recording a podcast, with Aggy Fox..

And Finally……

 I love to count.

Am a little obsessed with the BBC NEWS countdown.  I sit and watch it on the TV at the other end of the office, while humming the theme to myself.

Summer appears to have ended, after a heatwave at the start of the week.

 Does he know something the rest of us doesn’t.

My Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:  

“Buffy The Vampire Slayer”, (S5, ep 12 to 17).  “Click”, (TX: 24/06/17).  “Detectorist”, (S2, ep 1).  “Doctor Who”, (S36/S10, ep 11).  “Glastonbury 2017”, (TX 23/06 to 25/06/17).  “Horizon: The End Of The Solar System”, (2016, ep 5).  “Host The Week”, (S1, ep 1).  “Invented in….London, ….East Midlands, ….The East, ….The North East, ….The North West, ….The South”, (TX: 23/06/17).  “Loaded”, (S1, ep 7 & ep 8).  “Panorama, London Tower Fire: Britain’s Shame”, (TX: 19/06/17).  “Planet Oil: The Treasure That Conquered The World”, (TX: 24/02/15, ep 3).  “Pain, Pus And Poison: The Search Of Modern Medicine”, (TX: 17/10/13, ep 3).  “Saturday Kitchen”, (TX: 27/05/17).  “The Comets tail”, (TX: 25/11/07).  “The Crystal Maze (2017): Celebrity Special”, (S7/S1, ep 2).  “The Doctor Who Fanshow”, (TX: 24/06/17).  “The Fantastical World Of Hormones With Professor John Was”, (TX: 26/02/14).  “The Graham Norton Show”, (S21, ep 12).  “The Handmaid’s Tale”, (S1, ep 1 to ep 5).  “The Last Leg”, (S11, ep 6). 

This week I saw live on stage:  

“Ruby Wax: Frazzled”, (The Leicester Square Theatre) (24/06/17)           

This week I have mainly been listening to:   “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Bonus)”, (16/06, 23/06 x2, 27/06, 29/06/17).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Highlights)”, (22/06, 23/06, 26/06, 27/06, 29/0617).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Offcuts)”, (23/06, 29/06/17).  “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (24/06, 30/06/17).  “Scroobius Pip’s Distraction Pieces Podcast”, (ep 155: pt 1, 14/06/17).  “Soundtracking With Edith Bowman”, (ep 46, 23/06/17).  “Strange Times”, (ep 123, 30/07/15)(ep 122, 20/07/15(ep 121, 13/07/15)(ep 120, 12/07/15)(ep 119, 08/07/15)(ep 118, 29/06/15)(ep 116, 07/07/15).  “The Aggy Fox Podcast”, (ep 14, 30/06/17).  “These People Podcast, Voice Mail Special”, (24/06/17).  “Morrissey”,  “Radiohead”,  “Haim”,  “First Aid Club”,  “Black Grape”,  ”Bowie”,  “The Foo Fighters”, “Bob Marley”, The Killers”, Biffy Clyro”, Cyndi Lauper”, “Simple Minds”.    

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in East London & Surrey (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 157 Saturday 17^th June until Friday 23^rd June 2017.

When the sun comes out in London, Fox cubs can be seen playing parks.  Robins and other birds are brooding their chicks.  Carpets of beautiful flowers brighten up everyone’s day.  These are some of nature’s wonderful signs that summer has arrived.

   Look at these monsters.

A sign of summer I am not keen on seeing is the unnecessary nakedness when temperatures rise.  I’m no prude, I like to see “good looking” people flaunting what I don’t have, and then hate them for it.  I will wear less when it gets hot, but I know that other people don’t want to see all of me.  It’s the so-called “normal” people walking around the supermarket or down the high street that should cover up.  This display of nakedness means that a lot of skin, which hasn’t seen a single photon of light for months is suddenly exposed to the full power of the sun soaking up a huge amount UV radiation.  By the end of the first day those bodies do have colour, the problem is it’s a painful red which most will regret in the morning.

  It was like a zoo in Surrey.

Men tend to be the worst culprits, walking around in shorts with nothing on top.  Don’t get me wrong there are plenty of Women who show acres of flesh, most of it shouldn’t be seen by anyone other than their partner.  There have been occasions when walking up tube station stairs I suddenly decide to concentrate on where my feet are due to amount of wobbling of skin in front (Once again I need to say that I have various areas that wobble uncontrollably which appear to have their own gravitational force).

   I was bored during the hours of 8am to 4pm. 

I’m not the biggest sun lover myself, I like to lurk in the shade as much as possible and watch everyone else roast.  As soon as the great fiery ball in the sun shows its face I start smearing bottles of factor 50 on all my exposed bits.  You’ll never find me joining the unnecessary nakedness army, I don’t take orders well.

And Now For Something Completely Different……

 Cheap decorations in the office.

Karma’s a bitch.  I intended to go swimming after work one day; however this would have meant a hot sweaty journey on a bus for 30mins.  Once outside of the office I started to fry immediately.  I made a snap decision to go home, after all it’s only a couple of minutes on the tube then a short walk.

 Aunty MOZ with an original Anoodle drawing. 

At the station, I joined a packed carriage full of hot commuters all wanting to go home.  The train waited and waited, the driver kept us informed that we were being held at a signal.  The longer this went on, the worse you know it’s going to be.  Sure, enough all our fears came true when the train got cancelled.  As everyone spilled back onto the platform no one quite knew whether to stay or wait and get a bus.  This was Karma starting to fight back.

 I spent a lot of time watching this construction. 

I just wanted to be on the move; however everyone else made the same decision.  Due to the bus stop being full, I walked back to the one outside work, if I had gone swimming as planned I would have almost been at the pool at that time.  My heart sank when the mobile Scandinavian sauna pretending to be a London Bus arrived.  Due to the number of people trying to find a seat I sat down as soon as I could, and “chose poorly” sitting on the side that the sun shined directly on to.  This was Karma kicking me in soft sensitive places.

 The same again….

Karma tightened her grip when we arrived at the bus garage and were informed by an automated announcement that the drivers were changing over.  The old driver was replaced by a female driver (I need to make it very clear that woman drivers are as good as men) who couldn’t start the bus because it kept stalling, or maybe a fault occurred at that moment which is what I like to think.  This was Karma jabbing me in the side and laughing hysterically.

 A good day at work, meant i treated myself to the “Food of Kings”.  If you want my special recipe please ask.

As if by magic another bus arrived and we were instructed to transfer.  Common courtesy was thrown out of the window as everyone dashed to get on the second bus as quick as possible.  This time I “chose wisely” sitting in the shade.  By this point Karma was pulling my hair and slamming my head against the window leaving sweat stains on the glass.

 Went for a walk in the garden with this beauty.

When I stepped off the bus nearly an hour had passed, and I still had a 10-minute walk along a road where there was intermittent shade that I desperately wanted to keep under.  This has taught me a life lesson; don’t mess with Karma, she always wins.

 Has the leader of the opposition got another job.

And Finally……

Give a packet of gum to a colleague, who took the entire pack and don’t give it back.

Sitting down for lunch there was a man on the other side of the small round table.  I smiled and got no response; I eat lunch and watched my tablet.  After a while the man got up and unfolded a white stick and walked away.  I felt a real plum.

 Writing this Shiz.

My Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:  

“Buffy The Vamprie Slayer”, (S5, ep 3 to ep 11).  “Click”, (TX: 17/06/17).  “Detectorist”, (S1, ep 6).  “Doctor Who”, (S36/S10, ep 10).  “Fifteen Billion Pound Railway”, (S 1, ep 2 & 3).  “Have I Got A Bit More news For You”, (S53, ep 9).  “Have I Got News For You”, (S53, ep 9).  “Horizon: 10 Things You Need To Know About The Future”, (TX: 19/06/17).  “Life Swap Adventure”, (S1, ep 4).  “Loaded”, (S1, ep 6).  “Planet Oil: The Treasure That Conquered The World”, (TX: 17/02/15, ep 2).  “Pain, Pus And Poison: The Search For Modern Medicine”, (TX: 10/10/13, ep 1 & ep 2).  “Storm Troupers: The Fight To Forecast The Weather”, (ep 2).  “The Crystal Maze (2017): Celebrity Special”, (S7/S1, ep 1).  “The Graham Norton Show”, (S21, ep 11).  “The One Show”, (TX: 05/06/17).  “Top Gear, India Special”, (S18, TX: 28/12/11).  “Voyager: The Final Frontier”, (TX: 24/12/12).             

This week I have mainly been listening to:   “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Bonus)”, (14/06, 20/06/17).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Highlights)”, (14/06, 19/06, 20/06, 21/06/17).  “LBC Podcast: Mystery Hour”, (22/06/17).  “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (17/06, 23/06/17).  “Soundtracking With Edith Bowman”, (ep 45, 20/06/17).  “Strange Times”, (ep 226, 09/06/17) (ep 131, 31/08/15) (ep 130, 23/08/15) (ep 129, 17/08/15) (ep 128, 11/08/15) (ep 127 & ep 126, 10/08/15) (ep 125, 09/08/15) (ep 124, 05/08/15).  “Strange Times: ExtraCrap”, (ep 34, 06/08/15) (ep 33, 05/0815).  “The Adam Buxton Podcast”, (ep 47, 16/06/17).  “The Kimchi Chronicles”, (ep 17, 19/06/17).  “These People Podcast”, (ep 28, 17/06/17).  “Morrissey”,  “Air”,  “Blind Melon”,  “MGMT”,  “Beth Ditto”,  ”10cc”,  “Nirvana”.    

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in East London, Essex & Surrey (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 156 Saturday 10^th June until Friday 16^th June 2017.

I am finally a useful member of society, I have a job.  Monday to Friday between 8am & 4pm you won’t find me aimlessly wondering around east London any more.  Instead I can be found in a busy office with terrible air con.  The building has a number of automatic doors which swing outwards, not inwards as the majority of doors I’ve encountered.  I have been in the office a few days now and am still receiving body strikes or swipes to the upper arm; I’m convinced that there trying to take me out.  Luckily everyone in the office is far too busy staring at Facebook to notice.

  My new office.  I’m going to have one of those new chairs, when no ones looking. 

I feel like the new kid at a new school, the new geeky kid who doesn’t know anyone or really what’s going on.  As time passes I will get used to the job and my colleague with me.  But at this time everything is so new and a little exciting.  That’s not something someone says about working office very often.  Give me a week and I’ll be bored and hate the job like everyone else.  But I need the money, in the back of my mind I need to think that every week I get a little closer to returning to Mozambique.  Also, I’m not stuck in the office for life unlike the rest of my colleagues, there’s an end in sight.

 Writing this shiz.

And Now For Something Completely Different…… 

Have you had an imaginary friend, as a child I created worlds within worlds while playing but I never had an imaginary friend.  I mention this as there have recently been two occasions when I really questioned myself if I have one.

  Calamity and Lunge, planning there attack.

A couple of days ago I was on a train journey into deepest Essex for a bowling rematch with Lunge (her bowling name).  I was travelling with my best friend Calamity (her bowling name) which is fitting as she currently a broken foot.  We needed to get ticket extensions, so it made scene for me to do this because I can get up the stairs quickly.  Within a couple of minutes, I was holding our tickets and was back on the platform.  Immediately I scanned the faces of the people around, none of them were my friend.  After walking the entire length of the platform, I couldn’t see Calamity anywhere.

  Playing the sympathy card.

A train pulled away from the next platform; once it had left I looked at all the faces on the other side.  Once again none of these were my limping friend.  This was when I started to question whether my friend was imaginary, had a 27-year friendship really happened.  Rationally I know that this was stupid, but standing there I did have to ask myself what was real.  How can a woman on crutches vanish within the space of a couple of minutes?

 Lunge means business.

I have read that everyone sees the world differently, no two-people see exactly the same thing in the same way, I find this fascinating.  There are scientists who believe our reality could actually be a computer programme.  This can’t be true because, if I were made up of “1’s and 0’s” then surly I would look like Carrie Anne Moss from the Matrix films.  If reality is a computer programme, I’d quite like someone to pull out the plug of the supercomputer when there passing as this might give us all a well-deserved rest.

  Who’s with stupid.

Striding back down platform I must have looked a little suspicious checking each face out closely.   It was then I pulled out my phone and sure enough there are a couple of entries for my bowling friend, therefore she must be real.  I dialled and waited as I listened to the ringtone.  Deep down I was getting a little concerned about my friend on crutches.

 She wont get far without these.

While I walked and waiting for my phone to be answered, I suddenly became aware that at the other of the platform (the end I originally started at) there was a smiling face holding a phone in one hand and a pair of crutches with the other.  My missing friend stood under a large sign pointing the way to a lift.  It turned out that Calamity had been riding the lift up and down during the time I was questioning her existence.

  Late Friday evening snack.

This experience has taught me two-important life lessons. 1/ Look out for large information signs, they have been placed to make life easy.  2/ Take my friends crutches away, that way she can’t stumble far.

 Springwatch in the garden.

Maybe one day I’ll manage to find an imaginary friend, I hope we get on.

  Waterboarding has never been so much fun.

And Finally……

Overheard a woman to friend say “what a porker” as she was opening a box of cake.

  Only one of us was still dressed in work clothes.

The Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:  

“Britain’s Greatest Invention”, (TX: 15/06/17).  “Buffy The Vamprie Slayer”, (S5, ep 1 to ep 3).  “Cabin’s In The Wild With Dick Strawbridge”, (S1 ep 3 & 4).  “Click”, (TX: 10/06/17).  “Detectorist”, (S1, ep 5).  “Doctor Who”, (S36/S10, ep 9).  “Election Spy”, (ep 9).  “Engineering Giants”, (ep 3).  “Horizon: Cyber Attack-The Day The NHS Stopped”, (TX: 12/06/17).  “Horizon: Secrets Of The Solar System”, (2014/15: ep 8 ).  “Koko: The Gorilla Who Talks To People”, (TX: 15/06/17).  “Life Swap Adventure”, (S1, ep 3).  “Loaded”, (S1, ep 6).  “Paula”, (ep 2 & ep 3).  “Planet Oil: The Treasure That Conquered The World”, (TX: 10/02/15).  “Queer Britain”, (S1, ep 6).  “Springwatch 2017”, (ep ep 9 to ep 12).  “Springwatch Unsprung 2017”, (ep 6 to ep 10).  “Storm Troupers: The Fight To Forecast The Weather”, (ep 1).  “The Girls Who Talked To Dolphins”, (TX: 17/06/17).  “The Graham Norton Show”, (S21, ep 10).  “The Last Leg: Elegtion Special”, (S11, ep 4).  “The Last Leg: Re-United Kingdom”, (S11, ep 5).  “The Sky At Night”, (TX: 11/06/17).           

This week I have mainly been listening to:   “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Bonus)”, (09/06 x2, 12/06 x2, 13/06/17 x 2).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Highlights)”, (07/06, 09/06, 12/06, 13/06/17).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Offcuts)”, (07/06/17).  “LBC Podcast: Mystery Hour”, (08/06/17).  “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (11/06, 16/06/17).  “Soundtracking With Edith Bowman”, (ep 44, 13/06/17).  “Strange Times”, (ep 225, 02/06/17)(ep 133, 08/09/15)(ep 132, 07/09/15).  “The Nick Abbot Habit”, (ep 8, 16/06/17).  “These People Podcast”, (ep 27, 10/06/17).  “Morrissey”,  “The Killers”,  “The White Stripes”,  “The Couteeners”,  “Elbow”,  ”Ash”,  “Sophie B Hawkins”,  “Christine And The Queens”,   “Biffy Clyro”, “The Manic Street Preachers”.    

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in East & Central London, Hertfordshire & Surrey (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 155 Saturday 3^rd June until Friday 9^th June 2017.

I mentioned a couple of weeks ago after the terrible incident in Manchester I was not qualified to talk about incidents like that.  I’m still not, but I have to acknowledge what happened in London, the city I currently living in.  I know the London Bridge area well(ish), it’s a place I visit often.  Of course what I say doesn’t mean a damn thing in the grand scheme of life, but my heart really does go out to the families that lost loved ones, and all people that were sadly involved in something so sad.

  Congratulations to Mr and Mrs……….. seen at Regent’s Park.

There is so much more visible security around the capital, as you would expect after an incident like the one last weekend.  However if you have lived in London for any length of time over the last 30 years you will be used to more and more security whether it be CCTV or varying degrees of people in Hi-Viz clothing looking official, or bored and on their phone.  I’m not intimidated by the added security it’s there to protect everyone.  But the armed Police do scare me a little.

  Regent’s Park on a very sunny hot day.

My first experience of seeing a gun would have been sometime during 1992 to 94, I was unemployed and having to go on a “back to work” course in Brixton.  I remember walking ideally to the location because I really couldn’t be bothered.  As a man walked passed me he lifted his top slightly, i could clearly see stuffed in the top of his jeans the handle of a gun.  I didn’t look back, I started to walk double fast it was at that moment I decided that I really wanted to be on the course.

 At the hospital, this person should have looked down.

Incidents like last Saturday won’t change Londoners attitude to enjoying themselves.

 These wheelchairs did have patients sat in them, until they had to rush off to answer there phones or have a fag.

And now for something completely different….. 

 You can also get this exclusive summer look from M&S.

Sunday evening was spent sitting on uncomfortable plastic seating in a packed hospital waiting room.  I was there helping my best friend who a few hours earlier had stepped off a bus and twisted her foot.  We made it back home but both of us knew that her foot needed to be looked at.  Once at the hospital we joined the members of that elite club of people sitting and waiting to be seen.  The initial X-ray was quick and easy, it was afterwards that the fun started.

  I just couldn’t decide what colour suited me better.

The waiting room was rammed full of people, in fact they spilled all the way down the corridor.  The building is new(ish) and poorly designed as a hospital (in my opinion, of course I’m not an architect but I did technical drawing as a kid) the passageways are tiny which makes navigating a wheelchair passed row after row of bored, in pain people difficult.  If two wheelchairs meet travelling in opposite direction it can becomes a standoff, who will give in first.  We sat in that waiting room for about three and a half hours before my friend was told she had broken a 5th metatarsal.

  All touchscreens were ganging up against me.

Sitting in a packed room for any length of time has very few moments of entertainment.  I read every sign and information board scattered around.  Most of these seemed to state what would happen if a person abused staff, the building or equipment.  Of course this is a serious and an important subject, no one should be subjected to abuse when there trying to just do their job.  I didn’t realise that the problem was so bad and it needed that many signs constantly reminding patients how to behave.  The other subject on the signs was whether a patient would recommend hospital services to family and friend.  I wouldn’t recommend the waiting room experience to my worst enemy; I didn’t pick up a loyalty card on the way out.

 Anyone fancy a cup.

Another thing to take your mind off the wait, is watching other people.  Some people love to tell strangers especially in a confined room there entire life story revealing every intimate secret.  One woman who had been waiting like us for hours, did try to get seen earlier by mentioned very loudly she was diabetic and needed something to eat.  A sandwich was handed to her, after smelling it and taking a tentative bite she informed the entire room that it was disgusting.  Say what you want about the NHS, but another free sandwich was swiftly provided.  She later tried to use the diabetic card again which backfired, this amused a number of people who had also been sitting for hours bored but waiting their turn to be seen.

 Croc’s not a good look on anyone.

When we finally left around 10pm I heard that the waiting time was 5 hour.  I know it was a Sunday and that budgets are tight, but this was a prime example that more staff are needed.  There I got a little political, once again that is a subject I’m not qualified to talk about that, so I’ll keep quiet.

 Finished my sisters wedding cake.

And Finally…… 

Heard a woodpecker while in the garden hanging out washing, would have loved to have seen it.

 Writing this shiz.

The Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:  “Buffy The Vamprie Slayer”, (S4, ep 15 to ep 22).  “Catching History’s Criminals: The Forensics Story”, (ep 3).  “Can’t Cope, Won’t Cope”, (S1, ep 6).  “Click”, (TX: 04/06/17).   “Detectorist”, (S1, ep 4).  “Doctor Who”, (S36/S10, ep 8).  “Election Spy”, (ep 4 to ep 9).  “Engineering Giants”, (ep 2).  “Have I Got News For You”, (S53, ep 7 & ep 8).  “Horizon: Antarctica – Ice Station Rescue”, (TX: 07/06/17).  “Inside Einstein’s Mind: The Enigma Of Space And Time”, (TX: 14/12/15).  “Life Swap Adventure”, (S1, ep 2).  “Loaded”, (S1, ep 5).  “Queer Britain”, (S1, ep 5).  “Sgt Pepper’s Musical Revolution With Howard Goodal”, (TX: 04/06/17).  “Springwatch 2017”, (ep 5 to ep 8).  “Springwatch Unsprung 2017”, (ep 1 to ep 5).  “The Fifteen Billion Pound Railway”, (S1, ep 1).  “The Golden Girls”, (S4, ep 1).  “The Good Dinosaur”, (2015).  “The Graham Norton Show”, (S21, ep 9).  “The Last Leg”, (S11, ep 3).  “The Mystery Of Murder: A Horizon Guide”, (TX: 09/03/15).  “The Wonderful World Of Blood With Michael Mosley”, (TX: 25/03/15).  “Timeshift.  Bridging The Gap: How The Severn Bridge Was Built”, (S16, ep 1).  “Wonder Woman”, (2017).          

This week I have mainly been listening to:  “Eddie Mair”, (BBC Radio 4, 06/06/17).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Bonus)”, (01/06 x 2, 06/06/17 x 2).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Highlights)”, (01/06, 05/06, 06/06/17).  “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (04/06, 09/06/17).  “Paul Merton’s Beatles: An Alternative History Of The Beatles”, (ep 1, 29/05/17).  “Scroobius Pip, Distraction Pieces”, (ep 154, 07/06/17).  “Soundtracking With Edith Bowman”, (ep 43, 02/06/17).  “Strange Times”, (ep 224, 30/05/17)(ep 223, 26/05/17)(ep 138, 12/10/15)(ep 137, 11/10/15)(ep 136, 02/10/15)(ep 135, 28/09/15)(ep 134, 22/09/15).  “Toby Hadokes: Who’s Round”, (ep 200, 04/2017).  “The Kimanchi Chronicles”, (ep 16, 29/05/17)(ep 15, 15/05/17)(ep 14, 08/05/17)(ep 13, 24/01/16)(ep 12, 12/01/16).  “The Kimanchi Chronicles: Seriously – What?”, (#5, 22/05/16)(#4, 03/02/16)”.  “The Rabbit Hole”, (ep 18, 08/06/17).  “These People Podcast”, (ep 26, 04/06/17).  “Morrissey”,  “Delia Derbyshire”,  “The Radiophonic Workshop”,  “The Beatles”,  “Muse”,  ”The Stereophonics”,  “Jimi Hendrix”,  “SAI”,   “M.I.A”.    

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in East London, Hertforshire and Surrey (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 154 Saturday 27^thMay until Friday 3^rd June 2017.

As you may know I’m looking for work, I did my apprenticeship in retail a long time ago.  I never thought I would be applying for work in a shop again.

  “Pizza Boy” and “Mr Monkey” who i spent all weekend with.

Last Saturday I arrived at my brother’s house bright and early, because I was looking after my nephews “Pizza boy” and “Mr Monkey” all weekend.  My sister-in-law was making coffee when my phone vibrated.  The connection was bad and noisy so I found it a little difficult to hear the woman on the other end.  Basically I had an interview in a Coffee shop middle of the week.

  Fun in Hertfordshire.

Wednesday came, it was another hot day in the capital.  Because it was a retail job I didn’t go suited and booted, I dressed in a summer casual style (is that a style).  This was the start of what can only be described as a farce.  What follows is a scene by scene script breakdown, the situation and the emotions are 100% real, this really happened.  Sit back and enjoy a mad woman’s frustration.

 Opps, who had too much fun.

Curtain Up.

INT: Tube train.

A sunny hot day in London.  A woman in her late 40s, casually dressed in a summer style (yes I think it’s a style) is sitting nervously and fidgeting.

 I’ll never be a surgeon with stitching like that.

EXT/INT: Tube Station.

The woman rushes off the train and across the concourse, past retail unit’s one a Café Nero, the other sells a tasty combination of hot pastries and newspapers.  The woman takes no notice of her surroundings and speeds past.

 The next generation is hooked.

INT: Large Shopping Centre.

The woman rushes up 3 packed flights of escalators, asking a people to stand in the right so she can continue to run up two metal steps at a time.  Once on the top floor with her destination Costa coffee in view, a man holding a small girls hand stops the woman.

      Man: “Do you know where build-a-bear is”.

Our heroine (that’s me by the way) stops because she doesn’t want to appear rude, answers.

Woman: “It’s on the ground floor”.

This was not what the father wanted to hear from the look on his face.  But the little girl is very excited.

Little girl: “Yes” (while doing a mini fist pump).

The woman rushes off, her skirt flying around her.

 I thought i was being watched…

INT: Coffee Shop.

Just before the woman steps over the threshold she takes a moment to check that her clothes weren’t all over the place, she ran a hand through her hair.  Then every muscle in her face tightened to create a huge smile.

The woman stepped up to the counter and noticed that the man on the other side wore an assistant manager badge. She knows that she needed to make a good immediate impression.

Woman: “Hello, I’m here for an interview, really sorry for being a couple of minutes late”.

He looks blankly back at her and said.

      Man:  “We don’t have any interviews today”.

A flood of emotion consumes the woman’s brain, she suddenly starts to get hot and sweaty a little flustered.  The man behind the counter doesn’t react in any way his face remains completely passive.  The woman pulls out her phone and dials the number that rang her Saturday.

 The happy couple.

INT: Large Shopping Centre.

As the woman rushes back down 3 flights of escalators while holding her mobile to her ear.  She continues to speak as she dodged shoppers who had all the time in the world to do nothing.  Her brow is sweaty and her clothes are starting to stick to her.  After a couple of minutes she arrives at another branch of Costa.

Once again before she goes in, she takes a moment to compose herself, grabs a napkin and mops her slightly dripping brow.

  Went and saw a damn good film for a second time.

INT: Coffee Shop 2.

While walking inside she takes a deep breath ready to impress her future employer.  Reconstructing her interview smile walks up to the counter.  The barista who had just finished with a customer tuned to look at a slightly hot and sweaty old woman.

 If i had the money i would.

INT: Large Shopping Centre.

One or two of the passing shoppers must have noticed the woman running out of the coffee shop with a phone clamped to her ear.  Once the woman had been told that the second coffee shop wasn’t doing interviews she felt very confused and full of strange emotions. The man on the other end of the phone had told her she needed to be in an adjoining shopping centre.  Inside the woman was screaming with annoyance, wanting people to get out of the way.

   Pizza Boy and his card, he always won at snap.

EXT: Bridge.

The woman runs across a wide bridge which allows thousands of people to walk daily above busy train/Tube tracks and connects two shopping areas.  She can feel sweat running through her hair and down her neck.  She feels a mess and knows that she looks a mess.  At the end of the bridge she can see the small shopping centre.

 Travelling down south.

INT: Small Shopping Centre.

This shopping centre is all on one level and appears to be full of cheaper chain stores, with market stalls in the middle of the passageway.  The fact that there appears to be one floor is worrying the woman, as the man on the phone had mentioned a second floor.  None of this really registered in her mind because all she can concentrate on is the door to Costa Coffee in front of her.

 Nuff said.

INT: Coffee Shop 3.

Quickly grabbing a handful of napkins to mop her brow and wipe the sweat trickling down her lower back which was making her feel very uncomfortable.  She attempted to rebuild her winning interview smile, which had been over used in the preceding 20 minutes.  The woman stepped up to the counter.

Her life completely crumbles when she is told by yet another smiling barista that there are no interviews that day.  Tears started to flood her eyes, but were not seen because they were hidden by cheap sunglasses.

 I fitted in perfectly in Hertfordshire.

EXT: Road (between Small Shopping Centre and Tube Station).

Once again mumbling in to her mobile speaking to the man who is waiting to interview her, she steps out of the small shopping centre and stares at the tube station opposite.  Managing not to be hit by a number of double decker London Buses she makes it across the road and ran in to the tube station.

 This tasted better than it looked, honest.

INT: Tube Station.

At the ticket gate line the woman approaches a Tube employee, a young man with a ponytail.  And asks if there is a Costa in the station, after a slight pause he replies no.  The woman’s stomach is twisted with knots of frustration; she can’t believe what is going on.

Both the woman and the tube employee are on the internet trying to find out where this coffee shop is.

Her last resort is to ring the man YET again, a man she has spoken to so many time over the last 30 minutes much but never met.  The man would will decide if she will earn some money.

The woman’s morning completely falls apart when the man says Café Nero is upstairs, she turns around and looks up (this is the unit she ran passed when she got off the train half an hour earlier).  There is the unit and the man on the phone on the second floor.  She has to remember to breathe, all morning she has been running in and out of Costa coffee shops.  At that moment she really wanted a huge hole to open up and swallow her whole.

 Time marches on and on and on.

Curtain Down.

 Since this happened I have tried to work out what, where and when did everything turn to shiz.  Was it the initial phone call that was difficult to understand?  Maybe I just didn’t listen.  I remembered that I had applied for jobs at Costa but had forgotten about Nero, so I naturally thought I knew where I was going when I heard the destination I needed to go to.  I’ve learned a huge lesson.

 Drinking and watching some fat bird on You Tube.

Sit rap: At the time of writing I haven’t heard anything (surprise, surprise), I think it’s safe to say I won’t be making anyone a Cappuccino at the moment.

 Writing this shiz.

The Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:  “Absolutely Fabulous, The Movie”, (2016).  “Alien Covenant”, (2017).  “Cabins In The Wild With Dirk Strawbridge”, (S1, ep 2).  “Catching History’s Criminals: The Forensics Story”, (ep 2).  “Can’t Cope, Won’t Cope”, (S1, ep 5).  “Click”, (TX: 27/05/17).   “Detectorist”, (S1, ep 3).  “Doctor Who”, (S36/S10, ep 7).  “Election Blind date: The Victoria Derbyshire Prog”, (ep 1 & 2).  “Election Spy”, (ep 1 t o4).  “Engineering Giants”, (ep 1).  “Finding Dory”, (2017).  “Fossil Wonderland: Nature’s Hidden Treasures”, (ep 2).  “Go Jetters”, (S1, ep 36).  “Have I Got  a Little More News For You”, (S53, ep 6).  “Have I Got News For You”, (S53, ep 6).  “Life Swap Adventure”, (S1, ep 1).  “Loaded”, (S1, ep 4).  “Paula”, (ep 1).  “Queer Britain”, (S1, ep 4).  “Space Mistakes: How NASA Failures Furthered Exploration”, (S1, ep 3).  “Springwatch 2017”, (ep 1 to 4).  “Star Wars, Ep IV, A New Hope”, (1997 Special Edition).  “Star Wars, Ep V, The Empire Strikes Back”, (1997 Special Edition).  “Star Wars, Ep VI, The Retrun Of The Jedi”, (1997 Special Edition).  “Star Wars, Ep VII, The Force Awakes”, (2015).  “Star Wars: Greatest Hits”, (Sky Tv).  “Star Wars The Clone Wars”, (2008).  “Strange Hill High”, (S1, ep 8).  “The Fifthteen Billion Pound Railway: The Final Countdown”, (S2, ep 2).  “The Graham Norton Show”, (S21, ep 8).  “The Man Who Lives With A Magpie”, (TX: 27/05/17).  “Top Gear Vietnam Special”, (S12, ep 8).     

This week I have mainly been listening to:  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Bonus)”, (30/05/17).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Highlights)”, (26/05, 29/05, 30/05, 31/05/17).  “LBC Podcast: Mystery Hour”, (25/05/17)(01/06/17).  “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (27/05/17)(03/06/17).  “Scroobius Pip, Distraction Pieces”, (ep 153, 31/05/17).  “Strange Times”, (ep 152, 18/12/15)(ep 151, 14/12/15)(ep 150, 23/11/15)(ep 149, 22/11/15)(ep 148, 17/11/15)(ep 147, 16/11/15)(ep 146, 08/11/15)(ep 144, 04/11/15)(ep 143, 25/10/15)(ep 142, 24/10/15)(ep 141 & ep 140, 19/10/15)(ep 139, 18/10/15).  “Strange Times: ExtraCRAP”, (ep 35, 09/11/15)(ep 32, 06/06/15).  “Strange Times: Podswap 1”, (04/11/15).  “The Adam Buxton Podcast”, (ep 46, 01/06/17).  “The Nick Abbot Habit”, (ep 7, 02/06/17).  “The Rabbit Hole”, (ep 17, 01/06/17).  “These People Podcast”, (ep 25, 28/05/17) “Morrissey”, “La Roux”.  “Florence And The Machine”,  “The Thompson Twins”,  “Lorde”,  ”Lana Del Ray”, “Christine And The Queens”, “The Association”.    

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in East & Central London & Surrey (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 153 Saturday 20^th May until Friday 26^th May 2017.

This week has been a very sad one here in the U.K because of the terrible incident which took place on Monday in Manchester.  It goes without saying that my heart goes out to all the people that who were injured and especially the families who lost loved ones.  I’m not going to go on about what happened because I’m not qualified to speak about issues like that.

  Fun at the O2, watching rampaging Xenomorph’s and spotting blue bunnies.

But I do want to ramble on about us, the human race.  All 7 billion of us are living on a ball of rock floating through space; essentially we are astronauts traveling through the hard vacuum beyond our thin atmosphere.  As I write this the human race doesn’t have anywhere else to inhabit.  One day I firmly believe that we will colonise Mars and eventually travel to distant exo-planets many light years away.  Travelling to such a planet will involve long periods of induced dreaming of friends, family and hand feeding squirrels in a park in the middle of a city.  By the time the explorers have woken from there deep slumber, all their friends and family will be long dead and earth will probably be overrun by the squirrel descendants of the ones that the space travellers used to feed.  This will unfortunately happen long after I have become a pile of ash (by the way I’d like my ashes put in a firework and launched into the atmosphere.  Unless I have enough money so that my remains could be cryogenically frozen.  This could mean I might then be lucky enough to watch humans leave the confines of this ball of rock, while I stay behind and become a slave to the new squirrel overlords).

  Maybe i should go home.

I’ve been lucky to travel to a number of different countries and witness different cultures and traditions.  No matter where I have been, people are just people.  Something I have found that really helps is a smile.  A simple smile can make everything better, the manipulation of many muscle in a human face really can make a situation better.

  The garden looked pretty in the sun this week.

However I suspect that even our ancestors who lived in caves and banged rocks together for entertainment were upset and jealous of the next group of people who lived on an adjacent hill.  This could simply be because they had a bigger cave, by a nicer stream with fatter fish.  I’m no expert but I think humans have always and will always disagree, fight and just want what others have got.  Maybe my thinking is simple; I wish we could all just get on.  But that me, a simple organism.

  Multi camera shoot in Elephant and Castle.

I worry that the human race is a little like a vermin, almost a disease.  Consider how we have spread all over the planet, and what we have done to the earth and her other inhabitants.  We may have been to the moon, have super computers in our pockets and created bouncy castles.  But we are not more important than anything else that lives on this ball of rock.  This might be slightly controversial but I do wonder if the human race has passed its sell by date, maybe it’s time for another organic creature/being to take over.  I’d personally like to see how well squirrels would do once they take over.

   Standing on our mark, lights camera and action.

I feel depressed a lot of the time and do think of my own mortality.  But this week I have really felt very low and teary when I see pictures of the young people and children that were killed and injured in Manchester.  I just wonder why we can’t get on, surly life for everyone would be so much better if we smiled more at each other and agree that we might have differences, but deep down we are all the same just humans.

 Cycle rack seen in London this week.

The Mid Life Crisis Conts……

 Writing this Shiz, while being distracted a Jedi Master.

This week I have mainly been watching:  “Absolute Genius: Delia Derbyshire/Doctor Who, (S1, ep 5).  “Alien Covenant”, (2017).  “Buffy The Vampire Slayer”, (S3, ep 12 to ep 14).  “Cabins In The Wild With Dirk Strawbridge”, (ep 1).  “Catching History’s Criminals: The Forensics Story”, (ep 1).  “Can’t Cope, Won’t Cope”, (S1, ep 4).  “Click”, (TX: 20/05/17).  “Dara & Ed’s Road To Mandalay”, (ep 3).  “Detectorist”, (S1, ep 2).  “Doctor Who”, (S36/S10, ep 6).  “Fossil Wonderland: Nature’s Hidden Treasures”, (ep 1).  “Have I Got News For You”, (S53, ep 5 & ep 6).  “Horizon: Space Volcanoes”, (TX: 23/05/17).  “Life After Suicide”, (TX: 17/05/17).  “Loaded”, (S1, ep 3).  “Michael Mosley vs The Superbugs”, (TX: 17/05/17).  “Morocco To Timbuktu: An Arabian Adventure”, (S1, ep 2).  “Murder In Successville”, (S3, ep 6).  “My Big Gay Jewish Conversion”, (TX: 23/05/17).  “Our World My Child, Ect and Me”, (TX: 20/05/17).  “Queer Britain”, (S1, ep 1 to ep 3).  “Secrets Of The Super Elements”, (TX: 24/05/17).  “The Fifthteen Billion Pound Railway: The Final Countdown”, (S2, ep 1).  “The Golden Girls”, (S3, ep 24 & ep 25).  “The Graham Norton Show”, (S21, ep 7).  “The Last leg”, (S11, ep 1 & ep 2).  “The Truth About HIV”, (TX: 25/05/17).  “White Gold”, (S1, ep 1 & ep 2).     

This week I have mainly been listening to:  “Archive On 4: Sculptress of Sound: The Lost Works Of Delia Derbyshire”, (BBC Radio 4, 27/03/10).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Bonus)”, (18/05, 22/05, 25/05/17).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Highlights)”, (18/05, 19/05, 22/05, 23/05, 24/05, 25/05/17).  “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (19/05, 20/05, 26/05/17).  “Scroobius Pip, Distraction Pieces”, (ep 152, 24/05/17).  “Soundtracking With Edith Bowman”, (ep 41, 20/05/17) (ep 42, 26/05/17).  “Strange Times”, (ep 165 & 164, 19/02/16) (ep 163, 12/02/16) (ep 162, 09/02/16) (ep 161, 05/02/16) (ep 160 & ep 159, 30/01/16) (ep 158, 15/01/16) (ep 157 & ep 156, 08/01/16) (ep 155, 01/01/16) (ep 154, 23/12/15) (ep 153, 22/12/15).  “Stuart Maconie’s Freak Zone: Delia Derbyshire And The 100 Freaky Tracks”, (BBC 6Music, 07/05/17).  “Stuart Maconie’s Freakier Zone: Delia Derbyshire Eightieth Bday Special”, (BBC 6Music, 07/05/17).  “The Adam Buxton Podcast”, (ep 45, 26/05/17).  “The Rabbit Hole”, (ep 16, 24/05/17).  “The Rabbit Hole: Bonus Ep”, (23/05/17).  “These People Podcast”, (ep 24, 20/05/17) “Morrissey”, “Smiths”.  “Elbow”,  “Baccara”,  “Delia Derbyshire”,  ”Radiophonic Workshop”, “David Bowie”, “The Charlatans”, “The Specials”, “Bob Marley”, “Sarah Jaffa”.    

Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in East London, Hertfordshire & Surrey (The NEXT Chapter).

Week 152 Saturday 13^thMay until Friday 19^thMay 2017.

Homo Sapiens have been on Earth for about 200,000 years. Look around carefully and you will see that even the most confident person does the strangest things. Something happened this week which triggered a memory of strangeness from my past.

     Fun in Hertfordshire, i met the green Hedgehog (even though he looks like a Ninja Turtle).

A couple of days ago during the afternoon there was a knock on the door, I was alone in the house and not expecting anyone.  Therefore I did what any Londoner would do, ignored it.  The banging continued this person was being very persistent.  I did wonder if it might be someone calling regarding the forthcoming election, if so I definitely didn’t want to speak to them.  Due to the continued interruption, I thought I better have a look.  Walking on tip toes so as not to make a noise, I peered through the peep hole and saw a ginger kid.

  Trees around Euston Station need protecting.  Interesting stickers.

What happened next is something i can’t explain.  I stood with my back against the door, pretending I wasn’t there.  Suddenly the letter box opened at shoulder level. I froze like a badger crossing the road blinded by headlights. The longer this standoff continued the more I realised that I couldn’t just open the door with a big smile.  Ideas raced through the soggy matter I call my brain.  I could grab a towel, wet my face and pretend I had been having a shower.  Or rub my eyes continually while yawning complaining he woke me from a well-earned afternoon nap.  No I stood leaning against the wooden door hoping that he would go away.

 “Nuts” anyone.

This is not the first time something like this has happened in my life.  During the 80s I helped organised Doctor Who Conventions.  One day a couple of the friend’s visited.  For some reason myself and other members of the family decided to hide in the front room, trying not to be noticed.  I never found out if they had noticed a group of genetically related people lying on the floor, hiding badly behind furniture.  My family are NOT strange introverted inbred types who didn’t like contact with the outside world, quite the opposite in fact.  But we did live in Croydon, which might explain a few things.

  Honest, they wanted to watch Doctor Who first thing in the morning.

Later I found out that the boy had kicked a football into the back garden and just wanted to retrieve it.  Don’t worry readers; he got the ball back because another neighbour used a couple of long pieces of wood like chop sticks?

  Spike and his adopted daddy. Happy 16th Bday Spike….

What was going on inside my head is this something I should investigate further.   All Homo Sapiens are in reality, even the ones that appear to be “normal” screaming on the inside.  Thinking about it I quite like being a little weird, I don’t want to be just another sheep following the arse’s of the herd.  I find it fascinating that one ginger kid was able to transport me back to South London in the mid-80s.

  Can never have enough pictures of a beautiful 16 year old.

And Now For Something Completely Different,,,,,, 

I have a mobile like everyone, but unlike most people my phone is silent and on vibrate.  When I’m out and about all I seem to hear are stranger and stranger ringtones at full volume, this usually happens when confined on a train or bus.  Of course I realise that there are people who might not hear there devise and need the sound louder, but this is going to be a small percentage of the population.  To everyone else, TURN YOUR BLOODY PHONES DOWN.

  Paying for swimming all in change, not one of my greatest moments.  I like to think the sign say’s Boob’s.

The annoyance doesn’t end there.  Once the phone has been answered the devices owner feels the need to share their entire conversation and intimate thoughts with everyone around whose ears have just stopped throbbing from the irritation of the ringtone.  These people could save a wedge if they stood by an open window and just shouted. Why waste money on a phone.

 I revisited the hood this week.

And In Other News……

 Writing this shiz. 

Sitting on a bus at a bus stop, for about a minute all I could hear was an old lady repeatedly asking “what the next stop was”.  The driver replied continually “Romford Market”.  This back and forth exchange entertained me for a moment.  That’s how I get my kicks on buses these days.

Asked how much a very cheap pair of shoes would cost to re-sole.  I smiled politely and walked away quickly when I was told £30 would keep my feet dry.

   Enjoying Londonmidland trains.

The Mid Life Crisis Conts……

This week I have mainly been watching:  “Acquitted”, (S1, ep 4 & ep 5).  “Can’t Cope, Won’t Cope”, (S1, ep 3).  “Click”, (TX: 13/05/17).  “Dara & Ed’s Road To Mandalay”, (ep 2).  “Detectorist”, (S1, ep 1).  “Doctor Who”, (S36/S10, ep 1 & ep 5).  “Eurovision Song Contest 2017, (Results)”, (TX: 13/05/17).  “Have I Got News For You”, (S53, ep 4).  “Have I Got A Bit More News For You”, (S53, ep 4).  “Horizon, The Creative Brain: How Insight Works”, (2012/12, ep 8).  “Horizon: Strange Signals From Outer Space”, (TX: 16/05/17).  “Hospital People”, (S1, ep 4).  “Loaded”, (S1, ep 2).  “Morocco To Timbuktu: An Arabian Adventure”, (S1, ep 2).  “Murder In Successville”, (S3, ep 5).  “Pica Syndrome: The Woman Who Ate A House”, (TX: 18/05/17).  “Power Rangers: Dino Supercharge”, (S2, ep 1 & ep 2).  “Stacey Dooley investigates”, (TX: 16/05/17).  “The Day The Dinosaurs Died”, (TX: 15/05/17).  “The Golden Girls”, (S3, ep 20 to ep 23).  “The Graham Norton Show”, (S21, ep 6).  “The Truth About Stress”, (TX: 04/05/17).  “Timeshift. How Britain Won The Space Race: The Story Of Bernard Lovell And Jodrell Bank”, (S15, ep 6).  “Top Gear, Polar Special”, (TX: 25/07/17).  “Travelman 48hr In….”, (S2, ep 1 to ep 4).  “Would I Lie To You”, (S9, ep 5).     

This week I have mainly been listening to:  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Bonus)”, (01/05 no 4, 12/05/17).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Bonus Extra)”, (12/05/17).  “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Highlights)”, (11/05, 12/05, 15/05, 16/05, 17/05/17).  “LBC Podcast: Mystery Hour”, (17/05/17).  “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (13/05, 14/05/17).  “Scroobius Pip, Distraction Pieces”, (ep 151, 17/05/17).  “Soundtracking With Edith Bowman”, (ep 40, 12/05/17).  “Strange Times”, (ep 189, 19/08/16)(ep 188, 12/08/16)(ep 187, 29/07/16)(ep 186, 15/07/16)(ep 185, 09/07/16)(ep 184, 17/06/16)(ep 183, 10/06/16)(ep 182, 03/06/16)(ep 181, 27/05/16)(ep 180, 20/05/16)(ep 179, 13/05/16)(ep 178, 07/05/16)(ep 177, 06/05/16)(ep 176, 15/04/16)(ep 175, 09/04/16)(ep 174 & ep 173, 01/04/16)(ep 172, 25/03/16)(ep 171, 18/03/16)(ep 170 & ep 169, 11/03/16) (ep 168 & ep 167, 04/03/16)(ep 166, 26/02/16).  “The Adam Buxton Podcast”, (ep 44, 18/05/17).  “The Nick Abbot Habit”, (ep 6, 19/05/17).  “The Rabbit Hole”, (ep 15, 18/05/17).  “These People Podcast”, (ep 23, 14/07/17) “Morrissey”, “Lady Gaga”,  “Bastille”,  “Manic Street Preachers”,  “Haim”,  ”P.J Harvey”.