Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in East London, Hertforshire and Surrey (The NEXT Chapter).
Week 154 Saturday 27thMay until Friday 3rd June 2017.
As you may know I’m looking for work, I did my apprenticeship in retail a long time ago. I never thought I would be applying for work in a shop again.
“Pizza Boy” and “Mr Monkey” who i spent all weekend with.
Last Saturday I arrived at my brother’s house bright and early, because I was looking after my nephews “Pizza boy” and “Mr Monkey” all weekend. My sister-in-law was making coffee when my phone vibrated. The connection was bad and noisy so I found it a little difficult to hear the woman on the other end. Basically I had an interview in a Coffee shop middle of the week.
Fun in Hertfordshire.
Wednesday came, it was another hot day in the capital. Because it was a retail job I didn’t go suited and booted, I dressed in a summer casual style (is that a style). This was the start of what can only be described as a farce. What follows is a scene by scene script breakdown, the situation and the emotions are 100% real, this really happened. Sit back and enjoy a mad woman’s frustration.
Opps, who had too much fun.
INT: Tube train.
A sunny hot day in London. A woman in her late 40s, casually dressed in a summer style (yes I think it’s a style) is sitting nervously and fidgeting.
I’ll never be a surgeon with stitching like that.
EXT/INT: Tube Station.
The woman rushes off the train and across the concourse, past retail unit’s one a Café Nero, the other sells a tasty combination of hot pastries and newspapers. The woman takes no notice of her surroundings and speeds past.
The next generation is hooked.
INT: Large Shopping Centre.
The woman rushes up 3 packed flights of escalators, asking a people to stand in the right so she can continue to run up two metal steps at a time. Once on the top floor with her destination Costa coffee in view, a man holding a small girls hand stops the woman.
Man: “Do you know where build-a-bear is”.
Our heroine (that’s me by the way) stops because she doesn’t want to appear rude, answers.
Woman: “It’s on the ground floor”.
This was not what the father wanted to hear from the look on his face. But the little girl is very excited.
Little girl: “Yes” (while doing a mini fist pump).
The woman rushes off, her skirt flying around her.
I thought i was being watched…
INT: Coffee Shop.
Just before the woman steps over the threshold she takes a moment to check that her clothes weren’t all over the place, she ran a hand through her hair. Then every muscle in her face tightened to create a huge smile.
The woman stepped up to the counter and noticed that the man on the other side wore an assistant manager badge. She knows that she needed to make a good immediate impression.
Woman: “Hello, I’m here for an interview, really sorry for being a couple of minutes late”.
He looks blankly back at her and said.
Man: “We don’t have any interviews today”.
A flood of emotion consumes the woman’s brain, she suddenly starts to get hot and sweaty a little flustered. The man behind the counter doesn’t react in any way his face remains completely passive. The woman pulls out her phone and dials the number that rang her Saturday.
The happy couple.
INT: Large Shopping Centre.
As the woman rushes back down 3 flights of escalators while holding her mobile to her ear. She continues to speak as she dodged shoppers who had all the time in the world to do nothing. Her brow is sweaty and her clothes are starting to stick to her. After a couple of minutes she arrives at another branch of Costa.
Once again before she goes in, she takes a moment to compose herself, grabs a napkin and mops her slightly dripping brow.
Went and saw a damn good film for a second time.
INT: Coffee Shop 2.
While walking inside she takes a deep breath ready to impress her future employer. Reconstructing her interview smile walks up to the counter. The barista who had just finished with a customer tuned to look at a slightly hot and sweaty old woman.
If i had the money i would.
INT: Large Shopping Centre.
One or two of the passing shoppers must have noticed the woman running out of the coffee shop with a phone clamped to her ear. Once the woman had been told that the second coffee shop wasn’t doing interviews she felt very confused and full of strange emotions. The man on the other end of the phone had told her she needed to be in an adjoining shopping centre. Inside the woman was screaming with annoyance, wanting people to get out of the way.
Pizza Boy and his card, he always won at snap.
The woman runs across a wide bridge which allows thousands of people to walk daily above busy train/Tube tracks and connects two shopping areas. She can feel sweat running through her hair and down her neck. She feels a mess and knows that she looks a mess. At the end of the bridge she can see the small shopping centre.
Travelling down south.
INT: Small Shopping Centre.
This shopping centre is all on one level and appears to be full of cheaper chain stores, with market stalls in the middle of the passageway. The fact that there appears to be one floor is worrying the woman, as the man on the phone had mentioned a second floor. None of this really registered in her mind because all she can concentrate on is the door to Costa Coffee in front of her.
INT: Coffee Shop 3.
Quickly grabbing a handful of napkins to mop her brow and wipe the sweat trickling down her lower back which was making her feel very uncomfortable. She attempted to rebuild her winning interview smile, which had been over used in the preceding 20 minutes. The woman stepped up to the counter.
Her life completely crumbles when she is told by yet another smiling barista that there are no interviews that day. Tears started to flood her eyes, but were not seen because they were hidden by cheap sunglasses.
I fitted in perfectly in Hertfordshire.
EXT: Road (between Small Shopping Centre and Tube Station).
Once again mumbling in to her mobile speaking to the man who is waiting to interview her, she steps out of the small shopping centre and stares at the tube station opposite. Managing not to be hit by a number of double decker London Buses she makes it across the road and ran in to the tube station.
This tasted better than it looked, honest.
INT: Tube Station.
At the ticket gate line the woman approaches a Tube employee, a young man with a ponytail. And asks if there is a Costa in the station, after a slight pause he replies no. The woman’s stomach is twisted with knots of frustration; she can’t believe what is going on.
Both the woman and the tube employee are on the internet trying to find out where this coffee shop is.
Her last resort is to ring the man YET again, a man she has spoken to so many time over the last 30 minutes much but never met. The man would will decide if she will earn some money.
The woman’s morning completely falls apart when the man says Café Nero is upstairs, she turns around and looks up (this is the unit she ran passed when she got off the train half an hour earlier). There is the unit and the man on the phone on the second floor. She has to remember to breathe, all morning she has been running in and out of Costa coffee shops. At that moment she really wanted a huge hole to open up and swallow her whole.
Time marches on and on and on.
Since this happened I have tried to work out what, where and when did everything turn to shiz. Was it the initial phone call that was difficult to understand? Maybe I just didn’t listen. I remembered that I had applied for jobs at Costa but had forgotten about Nero, so I naturally thought I knew where I was going when I heard the destination I needed to go to. I’ve learned a huge lesson.
Drinking and watching some fat bird on You Tube.
Sit rap: At the time of writing I haven’t heard anything (surprise, surprise), I think it’s safe to say I won’t be making anyone a Cappuccino at the moment.
Writing this shiz.
The Mid Life Crisis Conts……
This week I have mainly been watching: “Absolutely Fabulous, The Movie”, (2016). “Alien Covenant”, (2017). “Cabins In The Wild With Dirk Strawbridge”, (S1, ep 2). “Catching History’s Criminals: The Forensics Story”, (ep 2). “Can’t Cope, Won’t Cope”, (S1, ep 5). “Click”, (TX: 27/05/17). “Detectorist”, (S1, ep 3). “Doctor Who”, (S36/S10, ep 7). “Election Blind date: The Victoria Derbyshire Prog”, (ep 1 & 2). “Election Spy”, (ep 1 t o4). “Engineering Giants”, (ep 1). “Finding Dory”, (2017). “Fossil Wonderland: Nature’s Hidden Treasures”, (ep 2). “Go Jetters”, (S1, ep 36). “Have I Got a Little More News For You”, (S53, ep 6). “Have I Got News For You”, (S53, ep 6). “Life Swap Adventure”, (S1, ep 1). “Loaded”, (S1, ep 4). “Paula”, (ep 1). “Queer Britain”, (S1, ep 4). “Space Mistakes: How NASA Failures Furthered Exploration”, (S1, ep 3). “Springwatch 2017”, (ep 1 to 4). “Star Wars, Ep IV, A New Hope”, (1997 Special Edition). “Star Wars, Ep V, The Empire Strikes Back”, (1997 Special Edition). “Star Wars, Ep VI, The Retrun Of The Jedi”, (1997 Special Edition). “Star Wars, Ep VII, The Force Awakes”, (2015). “Star Wars: Greatest Hits”, (Sky Tv). “Star Wars The Clone Wars”, (2008). “Strange Hill High”, (S1, ep 8). “The Fifthteen Billion Pound Railway: The Final Countdown”, (S2, ep 2). “The Graham Norton Show”, (S21, ep 8). “The Man Who Lives With A Magpie”, (TX: 27/05/17). “Top Gear Vietnam Special”, (S12, ep 8).
This week I have mainly been listening to: “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Bonus)”, (30/05/17). “Iain Lee: TalkRADIO (Highlights)”, (26/05, 29/05, 30/05, 31/05/17). “LBC Podcast: Mystery Hour”, (25/05/17)(01/06/17). “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (27/05/17)(03/06/17). “Scroobius Pip, Distraction Pieces”, (ep 153, 31/05/17). “Strange Times”, (ep 152, 18/12/15)(ep 151, 14/12/15)(ep 150, 23/11/15)(ep 149, 22/11/15)(ep 148, 17/11/15)(ep 147, 16/11/15)(ep 146, 08/11/15)(ep 144, 04/11/15)(ep 143, 25/10/15)(ep 142, 24/10/15)(ep 141 & ep 140, 19/10/15)(ep 139, 18/10/15). “Strange Times: ExtraCRAP”, (ep 35, 09/11/15)(ep 32, 06/06/15). “Strange Times: Podswap 1”, (04/11/15). “The Adam Buxton Podcast”, (ep 46, 01/06/17). “The Nick Abbot Habit”, (ep 7, 02/06/17). “The Rabbit Hole”, (ep 17, 01/06/17). “These People Podcast”, (ep 25, 28/05/17) “Morrissey”, “La Roux”. “Florence And The Machine”, “The Thompson Twins”, “Lorde”, ”Lana Del Ray”, “Christine And The Queens”, “The Association”.