Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in East & West London and Surrey (The NEXT Chapter).
Week 250 Saturday 30th March until Friday 5thApril 2019.
Two Hundred and Fifty weeks ago I started this shiz! Originally the main purpose was that in the future my nephews and niece would read about their mad auntie’s adventures in Tofo Mozambique. However, for the last three years it’s more a ramble about life stuck in London! I see this as a weekly time capsule! Every 50 weeks (or so) I like to make an effort. This week is your behind the scenes look at how this NON-award-winning blog that struggles weekly for views is created.
“My fave kind of cinema, is an empty one”.
The process starts on a Saturday morning in the writer’s room in South London above a chippy (which is closed regularly by the local council health and safety department). The hopeful writers meet to pitch ideas for the following Friday. The overall editor listens and reject each idea by belittling everyone in turn, pointing out why their story wouldn’t even appear in a free local newspaper which ends up as cat litter liner. After the meeting it’s normal to see a once confident writer crossing the road aimlessly or standing on the edge of the roof only to have to be persuaded down by the emergency services. The editor usually asks the writers they like or are currently sleeping with to submit a first draft.
“Hamster picture of the week”.
This is when the art department get involved. The art editor is sent the story ideas, from this they decided which pictures will be needed for each section. Photographers who are quick, don’t ask questions, and more importantly don’t snore ruining the art editors sleep will be asked to work on the project!
“A good film after Brekkie. Anoodle is being taught well”.
Over the years the art team has gathered a small, reliable stable of out of work actors that appear as regular characters. Casting calls are made finding who is available. Of course, a weekly blog is always looking for fresh faces; it’s not uncommon for a scout to return with a black eye because they approached a stranger asking if they have “ever modelled”. The regular locations are checked to see if they can be used. While other properties are spied on to see if they might be suitable. The team have become very stealthy in evading CCTV, security patrols, dogs and other methods of keeping strangers out! On the day of the photo session the talent arrives early as everything must be done quickly, make up and wardrobe are usually completed in the back of a windowless van illegally parked. In fact, one wall of the editor’s office has years’ worth of parking tickets and summons pinned up with pride! Talking of money how does a blog like this fund itself? It’s very simple! All companies shown in the pictures pay in used non-concentric numbered notes in a variety of currencies. This is collected by a team of very “helpful” ex-bouncers who are extremely good at convincing people to pay! Without leaving a mess!
“No wonder my mum says to grow up!”.
By Tuesday the editor will have drafts of the ” A story”, “B storyline” and the “And Finally” sections. The editor during the day will cross everything out with a child’s red crayon, before throwing the tatty pieces of paper back at the writers. The pictures arrive on Wednesday, this is when both editors meet and lock horns, which usually ends in an argument as they continually remind each other of past glories when they worked for national newspapers and broadcasters. How have their lives lead to this, a pointless blog!
Thursday nothing happens except for an excess of headache pills and pushing the writers on to their side of the bed! Because the boss is away, this allows others to apply for paid work or report the chippy downstairs for continual health and safety violations. Friday is when everything falls into place. Due to the editor not liking anything written during the week, they are locked in their office (the bolt is on the outside) to spend the day writing. This is why the pictures rarely match the text! Finally, the TV, Film, Radio and Podcast lists arrive written on the back of a used betting slip compiled by editor’s grandmother (it gives her something to do between races). At 10pm everything is ready on a flash drive and handed to a young man known as “Bob” who sits in a well-known coffee shop using the free Wi-Fi to publish the blog for the world to read.
“Peter Rabbit 2, crew filming at Richmond station. I wish i could have given someone a script of mine”.
Or, is the reality a lot more boring! Maybe it is just a large lardy, old slightly bitter, lonely hag bashing away at the keyboard with her sausage fingers. Hoping that someone somewhere will read this! And more importantly her nephews and niece will one day understand why this! Or that happened!
“A nice view each morning and evening”.
Thank you for reading this 250th blog. If you like it please share, and spread the word. If you don’t then the smiley group of ex-bouncers will be sent round. Don’t worry they won’t make a mess!
“The 1980s all over again”.
On 1st April I spoke to a lady just after midday. I joked to her that if she had rung a few minutes earlier I could have claimed that the problem had been an “April Fool”! Luckily, she found this funny.
“Trying to write this shiz, but distracted as usual”.
My Mid Life Crisis Conts……
This week I have mainly been watching:
“14 minutes From Earth”, (2016). “Being Human”, (S2, ep 5 to ep 8). “Blue Planet Live”, (S1, ep 4, TX:31/03/19). “Click”, (TX: 30/03/19). “Dead Pixels”, (S1, ep 1 to ep 6). “Fleabag”, (S2, ep 5). “Focus: How Sesame Street Charmed The World”, (TX: 05/02/19). “Focus: Mongolia: A Toxic Warning To The World”, (TX: 26/04/19). “IZombie”, (S1, ep 1 to ep 13). “Happy!”, (S2, ep 1 & ep 2). “Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation”, (2018). “Santa Clarita Diet”, (S1, ep 4 to ep 10)(S2, ep 1 to ep 10)(S3, ep 1 to ep 10). “Space Between Us”, (2017). “Star Trek: Discovery”, (S2, ep 12). “The Great Celebrity Bake Off For SU2C”, (S2, ep 5, TX: 02/04/19). “The Last Leg”, (S16, ep 10, TX: 29/03/19). “The Limehouse Golem”, (2016). “The Unexplainers”, (S1, ep 2). “The Walking Dead”, (S9, ep 16). “This Time With Alan Partridge”, (S1, ep 6). “Us”, (2019).
This week I have mainly been listening to:
“Anti-Social Show”, (ep 71, 23/03/19). “Brian And Roger”, (S2, ep 11, 03/04 & ep 12, 05/04/19). “David Tennant Does A Podcast”, (S1, ep 10, 02/04/19). “Griefcast”, (ep 74, 03/04/19). “Iain Lee (Highlights)”, (29/03, 01/04, 02/04, 03/04, 04/04/19). “How To Burn A Million Quid”, (S1, ep 6, 21/01/19). “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (30/03, 05/04/19). “NASA: Houston We Have A Podcast”, (ep 86, 05/04/19). “Rule Of Three”, (04/04/19). “Soundtracking With Edith Bowman”, (ep 135, 29/03/19). “Strange Times”, (ep 297 & ep 298, 30/03/19). “The All New Angelos And Barry Podcast”, (01/04/19). “The Nick Abbot Habit”, (05/04/19). “The Rabbit Hole”, (ep 76, 04/04/19). “The Skewer”, (BBC Radio 4)(04/04/19). “Morrissey”, “Prefab Sprout”, “Depeche Mode”, “The Cure”, “Frank and Nancy Sinatra”, “The Cranberries”, “Manic Street Preachers”, “Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds”, “James Blunt”.