Misfits Mid-Life Crisis Adventures in East and West London & Surrey (The NEXT Chapter).
Week 194 Saturday 3rduntil Friday 9thMarch 2018.
After the chaos of “SNOWMEGGEDON” last week, all signs of bad weather melted quickly in the capital. I am glad the ice has gone; walking like a penguin trying not to slip over and ruining what little dignity I have was not fun. One downside of the snow melting is that fly tipping, unwanted property such as sofas or beds left on pavements or overflowing bin can be seen again. Given a choice I would rather have the snow, just without the ice please.
“Snow, what snow”.
Something else I have noticed is the amount of poo, normally dog shiz littering the golden pavements of the capital. This is not a nice subject but it has to be mentioned. Directly outside of the gate of my friend’s house “something” had left a small parcel. We actually discussed whether it had come from a small dog (one of those tiny dogs that look more like a rat, and have Small Dog Syndrome). Or could the mess have come from one of the numerous cats who visit, maybe this was a dirty protest due to not being stroked enough and feeling ignored. Its times like this I wish I had TV naturalist Chris Packhman on speed dial as he would be able identify it immediately while poking and sniffing the scat at the same time.
“These two were deffo not responsible for the poo”.
Seriously I am very pleased that the ice has gone, but snow is pretty it’s such a pity that it causes so many problems in this country. I have friends in Finland and Canada who cope with much lower temperatures for longer periods and huge amounts of snow. They laugh every time when the UK falls apart due to a few flakes ** of the white stuff (**in London).
“A pothole i love”.
And Now For Something Completely Different……
If you have read this shiz for a while you know that I cherish my breaks and lunch time due to the fact that I speak on the phone all day. Most lunchtime I sit in a local branch of a large corporate coffee establishment in a small nook that most other customers don’t appear to know about.
“Shiz from me, ideas that just didn’t work, please don’t judge me”.
One day this week a woman appeared with a drink and a plate of cheesy toast. She asked if she could sit down, of course I said “yes” pulling the table out of the her way. Once seated the woman started to talk even though I had one ear bud still inserted and had returned my gaze to my tablet.
“Drinking cold soup while eating a roll warm from sitting on top of the computer box thing”.
I am many things, but rude is not one of them. Because of this I felt I had to at least answer even if I was half watching the screen, surly that would be a hint. She asked about my tattoos, and if I lived or just worked in the area. Looking around I wondered if this was some hidden camera stunt. Then she dropped the bombshell, the metaphorical punch to the gut “Did I believe in god”. She had been grooming me, talking about tattoos and other shiz. With a smile I made it very clear that I didn’t believe in anything, but respected others who do. This was said to hopefully shut her up so she might stuff her face with cold cheesy toast. That comment made her latch on even more like one of those tiny yapping dogs which really should be reclassified a rodent because of their size. I’ve seen bigger Rats running around London Streets. It did cross my mind to say I was an off duty devil worshiper and when I’m I return to the office I’ll sacrifice a goat in her name.
“Going home, the best part of the day”.
Drinking my large cup of sugary syrupy coffee without drowning as quickly as possible, I packed up my shiz and left without looking back in case I turned in to a pile of ash. Speaking to friends later I should have been firm but polite about the fact I wanted to be left alone. Throughout the rest of the week I have been prepared for a second coming, but luckily the woman hasn’t appeared. Hopefully she realised I was so much of a lost cause it was not worth her while bothering with and has found another lost soul to try and convert.
“Got given a brand new back rest at work, im easily pleased”.
Thinking afterwards I should have ask her if she had read any of the great works by “Oolon Colluphid” such as “Where God Went Wrong”, “Some More of God’s Greatest Mistakes” or “Who Is This God Person Anyway?”. These are from the wonderful “Hitch Hikers Guide To The Galaxy” which celebrated on the 8th March its 40th anniversary of the first transmission on BBC Radio 4. Thinking about it this may have just confused her, as I don’t think she had a good sense of humour.
“And she called me an “adult/child”.
I was called an “adult/child” by a six year old. I’m not ashamed to say I don’t act my age a lot of the time. She’ll understand in years to come when she’s grown up and reads some of this shiz.
“During the annual visit to A&E.
Went with “Calamity” to a local hospital (she really shouldn’t be allowed out on her own). The Dr examining her asked if I was her daughter. This made us laugh; I’m 2 months older and about a foot and a half taller. Poor “Calamity” she’s had a tough life.
Quote of the Week……
“Shove it up your dirt box” (Poppet Colon).
“Writing this shiz”.
My Mid Life Crisis Conts……
This week I have mainly been watching:
“Click”, (TX: 03/03/18). “Big Field, University Challenge”, (S1, ep 1). “Damned”, (S2, ep 4). “Extra Gear”, (S3, ep 2, TX 04/03/18). “Greece With Simon Reeves”, (S1, ep 1, TX: 07/02/16)(ep 2, TX: 14/02/16). “Not Going Out”, (S9, ep 1). “Soft Border Patrol”, (S1, ep 1). “Star Trek : Deep Space Nine”, (S3, ep 22 to ep 26)(S4, ep 1 to ep 25)(S5, ep 1 & ep 2). “Strike: Career Of Evil”, (ep 1 & ep 2). “The Archiveoloists”, (S1, ep 3). “The Great Celebrity Bake Off For SU4C”, (S1, ep 1, TX: 06/03/18). “The Last Leg”, (S13, ep 6, TX: 02/03/18). “This Country”, (S2, ep 2). “Top Gear”, (S25, ep 2, TX 04/03/18). “Troy Fall Of A City”, (S1, ep 3). “Will & Grace”, (S9, ep 9). “Winterwatch – 1963 The Big Freeze”,(TX: 02/03/18).
This week I have mainly been listening to:
“Angelos And Barry”, (26/02/18). “Brian Gitten’s And Friends”, (ep 22, 16/08/17)(ep 23 30/08/17)(ep 31, 20/01/18). “Chasing Earhart”, (ep 18, 03/12/17)(ep 19, 09/12/17)(ep 21, 24/12/17)(ep 22, 31/12/17)(ep 31, 05/03/18). “Don’t Quit Your Daycast”, (ep 18, 19/07/12). “Iain Lee (Bonus)”, (01/03). “Iain Lee (Highlights)”, (01/03, 02/03, 05/03, 06/03, 07/03). “In Poor Taste”, (ep 67, 03/04/17)(ep 93, 02/03/18). “LBC Podcast: Mystery Hour”, (09/03/18). “LBC Podcast: Nick Abbot (Whole Show)”, (03/03, 09/03/18). “NASA: Gravity Assist”, (S2, ep 1, 01/03/18). “NASA: Houston We Have A Podcast”, (ep 34, 02/03/18)(ep 35, 09/03/18). “Soundtracking With Edith Bowman”, (ep 79, 02/03/18). “Strange Times”, (ep 251, 08/03/18). “The Rabbit Hole”, (ep 45, 09/03/18). “Morrissey”, “The Libertines”, “Belly”, “Blur”, “MGMT”, “The Foo Fighters”, “The Manic Street Preachers”.
If you ever see her again then tell her that you’re in the militant wing of the Salvation Army – special missions unit. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ll pull out my tambourine and drive her away with a tune 😂